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The Onion

Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm trib.al/91WEVOm
Nation's Police Officers Now Too Heavily Armed To Go Undercover Convincingly trib.al/4vJYwBT
Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase trib.al/FCcd0Iy
Report: 15,000 People Vanish From ‘Fall Fest’ Hayride Wagons Each Year trib.al/NBlmVl0
Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too trib.al/DYpNRS4
NHL Warns Hockey Fans That Banging On Glass Scares Players trib.al/PtEFsyD
EPA Promotes Pulsating Black Sludge To Deputy Director trib.al/zu2sFDr
Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036 trib.al/NiGJCQ4
Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall trib.al/tIEIluc
Homeless Man Describes Horrors Of Sleeping In Public Park During Community Theater Production Of ‘The Tempest’
Side Salad Clearly Made From Hamburger Toppings trib.al/X6mdisk
Marvel Hints At Upcoming Death Of Stan Lee trib.al/TfTCIaU
Will The Cavaliers And Celtics Meet Again During The Regular Season?
Ice Cube That Man Couldn't Pry From Tray Lives To See Another Day trib.al/mASdsXz
Nation’s Dads Announce Plans To Trade In The Dodge For Something With A Little More Zip trib.al/khGXbjU
Most Effective Home Remedies
Horrifying Doll Sitting On Neighbor's Porch Whether It's Halloween Or Not trib.al/xZuAzuI
Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon trib.al/80cfER8
For more world-renowned reportage, visit theonion.com.
The Best Two-Sentence Horror Stories Of All Time clckhl.co/jlvGddf
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'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store trib.al/02OpO7K
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Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job trib.al/0xf5cMH
Boys Scouts Will Allow Girls To Join trib.al/7sqOQCp #WhatDoYouThink?
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