The Onion

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Study: 90% Of Plane Landings Just Barely Pulled Off
Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage
Susan G. Komen Foundation Launches Deep Space Probe To Bring Breast Cancer Awareness To Rest Of Galaxy
10 Morally Reprehensible Turtles Who Deserved To Get Their Heads Stuck In Plastic Rings
How U.S. Schools Are Staying Safe From Covid:
Just because they’re your mom and dad and they bought you a place in the city, doesn’t mean they have your love and respect
Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep
Inspired Film Executive Has Great Idea For Budget Of Film
Pay us money for the privilege of becoming a walking advertisement for The Onion
American People Hire High-Powered Lobbyist To Push Interests In Congress
Millionaire Robert Durst Found Guilty Of First-Degree Murder #WhatDoYouThink?
How To Lose Weight Fast
Hospital ICUs At Capacity With Reporters Covering Anti-Vaxxers Dying From Covid
Capitalist Heroes! This Vape Company has Found a Way to Monetize Sadness #sponsored #onionlabs @truthorange
Celebrity Sighting! The Raccoon Sly Cooper Was Based On Just Made A Public Appearance For The First Time In Years To Bite A Child
Signs Your Landlord Is Definitely Taking Advantage Of You
This Week's Editorial Cartoon:
Hundreds Of Migrating Songbirds Crash Into NYC Skyscrapers #WhatDoYouThink?
"'Can you please state your full name for the record?'"
Study: Marijuana Ranks Among Best Treatment For Persistent Existence
Grown Men Inspired By Stupid Little Sign Hanging In Locker Room
Neither Boss Nor Employee Paid Enough To Deal With Each Other
Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary
Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day
Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation
Just the right amount of mug, every time
What Your Therapist Is Actually Thinking About You While You're Talking
Report: All The People, Living Their Lives, Where Are They Going
Relieved Ecologists Announce Rising Sea Levels Were Due To Clump Of Hair Clogging Drain At Bottom of Ocean
Study Finds First 72 Hours Crucial To Determining Whether Missing Person Case Goes Viral
Beneath Veneer Of Perfect Suburban Life Lies Pleasant Family With Several Fun Lawn Games
U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties
Here are several questions every couple should ask each other before saying "I do."
British Courts Seal Prince Philip’s Will For 90 Years #WhatDoYouThink?
So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch T-Shirt
Archaeologists Discover Neolithic People Took Couple Weekend Trips To Get Feel For North America Before Deciding To Migrate Across Land Bridge
Signs Your Partner Is Not Sexually Satisfied
"The officials in charge of the jury selection process would never dream of interfering with someone who is busy."
Seal Lying In Sunbeam Could Be Depressed And You’d Never Know
Scientists Identify Key Conditions To Set Up Creative ‘Hot Streak’ #WhatDoYouThink?
T.J. Maxx Recreates In-Store Shopping Experience With New Website That Randomly Scatters Products All Over The Place
Disney World Forced To Euthanize Character That Attacked Visitor
10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet
Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints
Ticketed Motorist Pointing Finger Just The Green Light Cop Needed
Michael Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discuss ‘Buick Keys To Success’
Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing
Woman Who Had Almost Formed Healthy Sense Of Self Rejoins Social Media
Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips
A Look Back At The Career Of Peyton Manning: The Greatest Of All Time, Depending On Who You Ask, At Least Based On Passing Numbers
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