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The Onion

Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm
Nation's Police Officers Now Too Heavily Armed To Go Undercover Convincingly
Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase
Report: 15,000 People Vanish From ‘Fall Fest’ Hayride Wagons Each Year
Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too
NHL Warns Hockey Fans That Banging On Glass Scares Players
EPA Promotes Pulsating Black Sludge To Deputy Director
Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036
Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall
Homeless Man Describes Horrors Of Sleeping In Public Park During Community Theater Production Of ‘The Tempest’
Side Salad Clearly Made From Hamburger Toppings
Marvel Hints At Upcoming Death Of Stan Lee
Will The Cavaliers And Celtics Meet Again During The Regular Season?
Ice Cube That Man Couldn't Pry From Tray Lives To See Another Day
Nation’s Dads Announce Plans To Trade In The Dodge For Something With A Little More Zip
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Horrifying Doll Sitting On Neighbor's Porch Whether It's Halloween Or Not
Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon
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