The Onion

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Most Disgusting Towel Spends Final Days Relegated To Role As Bath Mat bit.ly/3Lj9BwJ
“Just fire up the oven to 350 and pop your head in there for about 30 seconds.” — Rachael Ray bit.ly/3HRyAG8
Whether you’ve been on the lam for weeks or just recently tunneled out of a high-security correctional facility, The Onion has compiled the most breathtaking and economical vacation spots for escaped prisoners. bit.ly/3fHEHAb
Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy bit.ly/3M8xubg
Groom Admits Bride Could Have Looked A Bit More Radiant On Wedding Day bit.ly/3M4KFKk
Your waiter went through all the effort of bringing crayons to the table, so the least you could do is attempt the word puzzles or put a pair of shades on the cartoon sun. bit.ly/3zQQghS
Wistful Woman Wonders If This Could Be The One She’ll Sleep With For Few Weeks Before Losing Interest bit.ly/3N3U70E
Man To Continue Slowly Drifting Into Middle Of Restaurant Until Host Redirects Him bit.ly/3yziteH
A car seems like an amazing deal until it’s time to sign the sales agreement, and you discover the dealership is asking literally thousands of dollars for the vehicle. Thousands. bit.ly/3l5EGcn
Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected bit.ly/3wp4Wnv
8-Year-Old Can Already Tell Image Of Dad Puking Stuck In Memory Forever bit.ly/3yziFdV
"Wait, it’s not like you have an addiction you overcame or anything, you just, like, feel healthier without drinking? So, who cares?" bit.ly/3MfEl2T
Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty bit.ly/3L6i9a7
Ejected Little League Coach Forced To Stand On Other Side Of Chain Link Fence Until Game Over bit.ly/3kZq6TR
While this would be true regardless of whether you were high or not, having the realization is a good sign you have been smoking a lot of weed. bit.ly/3kTo6gE
Report: Friend Has Been Going By Middle Name This Whole Fucking Time bit.ly/3M2bVJs
Customer Who Declined Initial Offer Of Assistance From Floor Salesman Comes Crawling Back bit.ly/39cfu12
“They’d fetch a fine price on the black market.” bit.ly/3Lb8qiH
Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her bit.ly/3L1Azsl
Family Spends Relaxing Weekend Destroying Outdoors bit.ly/3hLcsAj
Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle bit.ly/3PevgJC
“When I was a freshman, you could ask the professor for a big glass of milk, chug the whole thing, and go, ‘Ahhhh!’ Now you can’t make a single noise even if it’s refreshing.” — Jameson Kirby (College Of William and Mary, Class Of 2023) bit.ly/3LfIPoG
The cost of housing is pushing Americans to more rural locations, where they’re very nearly able to make ends meet. bit.ly/3laMkCc
As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified. bit.ly/3l496M0
New Jersey: “Let’s fuck before one of us moves to Florida.” bit.ly/3wayLck
The worst part of TikTok is that other people have access to it. Watch our videos–and only our videos–at theonion.com. bit.ly/3FMY6MS
Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign bit.ly/3sujQr9
Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket bit.ly/3N7Ei9j
Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up bit.ly/3Mdu736
Home Inspector Warns That House Lacks Banister You Can Slide All The Way Down bit.ly/3wlm4KF
Sure there are plenty of allergens in the big city, but even more sniffling and wheezing is to be had in the countryside.
It Impossible To Tell What Sounds Will Freak Out Cat bit.ly/3PbXHYt
The Onion Store Sweepstakes: Enter your credit card information at checkout now for a chance to own all of the items currently in your cart. bit.ly/3FFvEMD
Biden Administration Capping Cost of Internet For Low-Income Americans bit.ly/3PfhztX #WhatDoYouThink?
Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat bit.ly/3wbbNli
“I guess I’ll just go tell Lady Liberty that democracy is over.” bit.ly/38lLyQj
Unclear Where Old Man At Coffee Shop Got Little Thing Of Rice Pudding bit.ly/3leUyJv
Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill bit.ly/3szHBhx
Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people’s health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics. bit.ly/3MdY2YO
Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss bit.ly/3lao4Aq
“I have a ton of extra Amazon boxes if you need a place to stay.” bit.ly/3N7lff6
Respectful Bear Waiting To Attack Tent Until Couple Inside Finishes Fight bit.ly/38oT5xu
No, it’s not because of you. While all your friends may be abandoning you to move to smaller towns, it’s part of a nationwide trend. Here are the top reasons why Americans are leaving big cities. bit.ly/3yB4Mw2
Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research bit.ly/3MeDXSc
Plan B Unveils Emergency Team Of Brawny Men To Shake Down Impregnator For Abortion Money bit.ly/3Ne6c3y
“I mean, yeah, she promised to check out my YouTube channel before she got out, but I could tell she didn’t really mean it.” — Teresa Cunningham bit.ly/37KQxcW
Passenger With No Flight Experience Lands Plane After Pilot Becomes Incapacitated bit.ly/3wdtrVP #WhatDoYouThink?
Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks bit.ly/3N3POT6
Stealing Tampons From Office Bathroom Currently Woman’s Only Source Of Joy bit.ly/3l3TGHU
Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet bit.ly/3l2WPrg
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