The Onion

All Photos Twitter.com 15 hours ago
Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead bit.ly/3ZYwwWA
20h
Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier bit.ly/3WrKs8l
22h
Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley bit.ly/3wyLmFO
23h
Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter bit.ly/3XH6bum
23h
Avoid looking back on your deathbed and wishing you'd spent more time accumulating material possessions. Carpe diem. Shop the Onion Store today. bit.ly/3VBX11r
Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million bit.ly/3XK9dOE
Dianne Feinstein Receives Primary Challenge From Buzzard Currently Circling Her bit.ly/3XEABxn
Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies bit.ly/3ww57xs
Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks bit.ly/3XIbhXx
Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed bit.ly/3WIXGOh
Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less bit.ly/3JhOOfi
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know bit.ly/3HaBg2D
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know bit.ly/3HaBg2D
Our Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered bit.ly/3Hytdhu
If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things. bit.ly/3j3GeX8
“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.” bit.ly/3WU0HMj
Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers bit.ly/3R7rWB6
Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes bit.ly/3kEpMg9 #WhatDoYouThink?
With no Amazon rainforest to devastate, clearcutting a local park was his only other option. bit.ly/3Hy9min
Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears bit.ly/3HmfKbx
Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats bit.ly/3Hpmeax
The next generation of time-squandering is here. Join The Onion on TikTok. bit.ly/3JgLUHY
Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals bit.ly/3XyIkwZ
Man Who’s Been In A Bunch Of Buildings Figures He’d Be A Pretty Good Architect bit.ly/3Wz7M42
Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television bit.ly/3XLEj86
Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion bit.ly/3H1AdCe
‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown bit.ly/3DcApNJ
Order now and get a free piece of sticker-shaped paper that peels off the back of your sticker. bit.ly/3XUqcgQ
Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think bit.ly/3j0Wg3U
Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’ bit.ly/3R236mr
Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight bit.ly/3WFYTpz #WhatDoYouThink?
Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood bit.ly/404vB72
Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin bit.ly/3Wwcjo2
Google Employees React To Company Layoffs bit.ly/3HffWt4
Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan bit.ly/3De8Kfx
Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date bit.ly/3XUwMEb
Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers bit.ly/3JfIBAH
Far-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL. bit.ly/3WEsG1Z
Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence bit.ly/3R7apsL
Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza bit.ly/3Rl6VTX #WhatDoYouThink?
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