The Onion

All Photos 15 hours ago
Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead
Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier
Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley
Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter
Avoid looking back on your deathbed and wishing you'd spent more time accumulating material possessions. Carpe diem. Shop the Onion Store today.
Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million
Dianne Feinstein Receives Primary Challenge From Buzzard Currently Circling Her
Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies
Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks
Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed
Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know
Our Annual Parenting Edition: How Much Wine Is Too Much Wine For Your Infant And Other Questions Answered
If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things.
“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”
Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers
Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes #WhatDoYouThink?
With no Amazon rainforest to devastate, clearcutting a local park was his only other option.
Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears
Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats
The next generation of time-squandering is here. Join The Onion on TikTok.
Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals
Man Who’s Been In A Bunch Of Buildings Figures He’d Be A Pretty Good Architect
Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television
Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion
‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown
Order now and get a free piece of sticker-shaped paper that peels off the back of your sticker.
Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think
Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’
Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight #WhatDoYouThink?
Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood
Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin
Google Employees React To Company Layoffs
Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan
Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date
Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers
Far-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL.
Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence
Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza #WhatDoYouThink?
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