Keith Chegwin

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Still not right. I will be back - But not for a bit yet. I’m so sorry
Apologies for not tweeting. Back as soon as Xxx promise
If you say the word ‘gullible’ very, very slowly - It sounds like orange
Gentlemen: Examine your prostate by wiping your bottom with Tesco value toilet paper
Taking up scuba diving - I’m using a Walkers crisp bag - which has enough air in it to last for three hours
If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue
Glastonbury crowds. Looks like one big audition for the ‘Walking Dead’
Nicola Sturgeon…….Alex Salmond - I think there’s something fishy going on there
Brekkie thanks to our neighbour Danny. Goose eggs are bloody huge!!
Dad, who’s a road worker, has been stealing from his job. Didn’t believe him but when I got home all the signs were there (sorry)
Mates in hospital - Got hoover stuck up his arse -Doctor says he’s picking up nicely
Bought a pair of Nike's off a drug dealer - Been tripping all day
Someone (Ellie) doesn’t want to be ridden & even the doggies (Harry & Poppy) are knackered!!
Mrs wanted to try sadism in the bedroom. I said no but she twisted my arm
Gonna have a Brexit themed Sunday lunch this weekend - No Brussels
Mrs left me because of my Beatles obsession. Yesterday
My sincere best wishes to Ant @antanddec I know just how hard it can be. Be proud - you’re a very brave & honest man. Good luck x
Father’s day in Essex - where cards are sold in packs of five
A Good Old Singing Competition on Saturday night TV. Pitch Battle. Just when you thought BBC had run out of ideas. FFS
Old lady in Tesco said ‘I’ve dropped my purse & can't bend down 2 pick it up’ I said ‘OK, I’ll go in front of u while u keep trying’
Was concerned garage was gonna rip me off but it’s OK - I only need indicator fluid
Help stop piracy. Stand up every 15 minutes in the cinema & shout ‘Arse’
Mate’s got an obsession with feet. I didn’t believe him at first, but then I realised he was pulling my leg
Mrs said ‘Do I look fat in these knickers’ – I said, what knickers
My dogs swallowed some coins - I’m keeping any eye on him - No change yet
Remember - It's not the winning it's who you beat
Cabaret @LadramBay Thanks those who took part on stage. Huddersfield 2day hosting Knockout Huddersfield Town FC. Wey Hey!!
Excited: Only 1825 sleeps till the next General Election
I asked my prison mate how long are you in for. He said - Until I come (Very naughty - sorry)
My dog keeps digging holes in the garden - so I’ve taken away his spade
What type of berries do fat people love - Cad Berries
Mrs said ‘If u throw enough shit some will stick’ - I said ‘Can’t we just paint the kitchen’
Met Mother In Law outside a pawnbroker picking her teeth - then she went in & bought them
Said 2 my mate ‘Dogs are like their owners’ But he was too busy sniffing his arse
I don’t mind watching Desperate Housewives - It’s all part of my job as a window cleaner
Politics - Show business for ugly people
Tekken 7 IS BRILLIANT - Battling with the great man @TimmyMallett A worthy opponent & a nice bloke
Got a waterbed 2 spice up our love life. Doesn’t work we’ve drifted further apart
After winning the match, I threw the ball into the crowd - which is not the thing to do in crown green bowling
Mother In Law was struggling to open the freezer. Eventually she gave up & froze to death
WiFi at work stopped working - People started talking and I didn’t know who they were
DO NOT spell part backwards. It's a trap (Oh dear that's bad!! Sorry X)
Recipe said put the casserole in 180 degrees - Now it's all over the bottom of the bloody oven
God Bless the daredevil and a lovely man John Noakes. Miss Ya Tons
Always remember my Dad buying me a jigsaw for my 5th birthday - He even plugged it in for me
When one door closes another opens. I bloody hate this IKEA wardrobe
Said 2 landlord ‘This beer’s like watered down piss’ He said ‘that’s odd - there's no water in my beer’
My cat spends half the day sleeping and the other half making YouTube videos
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