What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hey man. do you have about three hours to answer some questions about your shirt
Toothpaste is shampoo for your bones
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If you're not happy single, you won't be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from making bizarre impulse purchases online, not from another person.
The phone charger be right there and I still don't feel like plugging it in 😂
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and have eye contact
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
triscuits would be three sided. these are quadscuits
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
her: baby shower sunday, can you make it?
me: I’ll try
Home Depot guy: this is the smallest tile we have buddy