I’m pretty excited. Our loan was approved. We close on a full tank of gas come Thursday.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself. It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now.
Scars remind us that the past was real..
My friend used to be addicted to flashing their bum in public... but that was many moons ago.
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked... now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I am at that stage in life, where I need a full day to recover from the previous one.
Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn't the world's responsibility to tiptoe around you...
If the people in the movies listened to me, they would all still be alive.
I love that sound cats make when you touch them but they didnt expect it. You know… the activation sound.
I eat two gummy bears at a time... no one should die alone.
I know right from wrong... wrong is the fun one.
Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a four year old wearing a batman t-shirt.
Your beliefs do not make you a better person, your behavior does.
The reason Santa Claus doesn’t work from both the North and South poles: Because that would make him bi-polar.
There is a difference between who is in your corner and who is in your business.
Sure you can get your wife jewelry, an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas. But she will never forget that one Christmas you got her a mop... Never.
One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can't change.
I was going to take over the world today. Then I realized how tired I was.
If bacon does not solve the problem, then more bacon must be added.
Finish the sentence. I dip my fries in _________.
Having a dog will give you unconditional love. Having a Cat will remind you that you are unworthy.
Henceforth a 30 day ban on Facebook can no longer be referred to as Facebook jail, it’s now Metapause…
A work colleague told me she would not eat beef tongue because it came out of a cows mouth, so I gave her an egg...
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on I-75 in Atlanta. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
It’s pretty rude that it’s not Friday yet, but ok.
If roosters can start out the day screaming, then dang it, I can too.
Behind every man who thinks he wears the pants, is the woman who told him what pants to wear…
Bumper cars teach road rage at an early age...teach them young.
Feeling a bit paranoid? Remember... you are not alone.
I am in need of some new haters! The old ones are starting to like me!
An invisible man and invisible woman married. I'm not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.
Welcome to the assumption club. I think we all know why we are here.
It's nice to be part of the solution but there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
I've been told that Life is a Highway...just don't get run over...
I watched a flock of chickens cross the road ahead of me this morning.
It was Poultry In Motion.
I remember when I was in school the teachers used to always say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go." Well, we sure showed them...
Life is about perspective. To an English teacher, a double negative is a bad thing. To a Math teacher, it is something positive.
I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick. She is still not talking to me.
“That’s good enough!” - first uttered by Greek philosopher Mediocrates.
Diarrhea awareness week starts on Monday and runs though Friday.
We used to experiment by launching monkeys into space. Now it is CEOs. This is progress.
My life is based on a true story.
I once saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that says "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
Gather friends and feed them, laugh in the face of calamity, and cut out all the things––people, jobs, body parts––that no longer serve you.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you’ll hit a billionaire’s rocket ship
I saw a microbiologist yesterday, he was much bigger than I expected.
What if UFO’s are simply billionaires from other planets?
You know, back in my day there were nine planets.
Never forget those that ignored you when you needed them, and those who helped you before you even had to ask.