Stephen Colbert

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I’m footloose and Covid free! See you tomorrow.
It's Stevie Wonder's birthday and Friday the 13th. I hope he's not very superstitious.
“Okay, now let’s do a silly one.”
Fortune* Favours** the Brave*** *crypto currency **deeply screws ***retail investors
I'm surprised Jose Altuve got hit in the groin since his testicles were told in advance what pitch was coming.
I can’t believe how gullible Susan Collins is. But Susan Collins can.
I’m attending the Mr. Met Gala. (Rihanna’s wearing a giant baseball head, and Jared Leto‘s eating ice cream out of a tiny batting helmet!)
.@JKCorden Congratulations, James, on what will be eight incredible years at CBS. 12:30 won’t be the same without you. But looking forward to your exciting adventures as the new Doctor Who!
Always trust Eric the 2nd’s instincts 🐝  See the fate of my honorable bee companion in our adventure this Thursday 4/28 with@CriticalRolee &@RedNoseDayUSAA at 7pm Pacific ontwitch.tv/criticalroleL You can donate NOW to our campaign atcritrole.com/rednosedayDf
So, are tweets self-driving now?
Yep! I tested positive for Covid, but basically I’m feeling fine- grateful to be vaxxed and boosted. Thank you for the well wishes. This just proves that I will do anything to avoid interviewing Jason Bateman. twitter.com/colbertlatesho…
To my European fans: Happy 20/4!
The MTA says all riders still have to wear masks, but pants are still optional.
I hope I’m not setting a precedent here by using social media for self-promotion, but please vote for us in the Webbys! twitter.com/colbertlatesho…
I’m three episodes into “Moon Knight,” and he has yet to moon a single person.
It was my honor to have met and interviewed and done bits with one of the greats. Rest In Peace, Gilbert Gottfried. #hardblackwax
Our friend @chancetherapper performs his new single, #ChildOfGod, in front of an incredible piece of art by Naila Opiangah. #LSSC
Retweeted by Stephen Colbert
Relieved Elon Musk isn't joining the board of Twitter and that its rational, even-keeled reputation will be preserved.
A man in Germany got 90 vaccines. But they were Johnson & Johnson, so he’ll need a booster.
So proud of and happy for my beautiful friend. @JonBatiste
TFW someone talks about Bruno.
Tomorrow, I will celebrate St. Patrick's Day as I always do: by drinking until "Finnegans Wake" makes sense.
Thanks to Putin’s media censorship, Tolstoy now wrote, “and Peace.”
Tom Brady got one taste of what it's like to help kids with math homework and decided to return to being tackled by the largest men in the world.
Baseball is back. And no one is more excited than the Ice Cream in Tiny Baseball Hat industry.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
"Look for the helpers." Here’s some ways you can help the people helping Ukraine. twitter.com/colbertlatesho…
This is exactly what The Joker would say.
In Spanish, "The Batman" is called "El Hombre con Problemas Psicológicos."
I'm gonna be so mad if I find out “Chernobyl” was a prequel.
Happy March 4th, Star Wars fans! May the March be 4th you.
Looking for ways to support the people of Ukraine? Here's how: World Central Kitchen wck.org/relief/activat… Razom for Ukraine razomforukraine.org/razom-emergenc… Nova Ukraine novaukraine.org United Help Ukraine unitedhelpukraine.org/about-us Global Giving globalgiving.org/projects/ukrai…
Retweeted by Stephen Colbert
Putin likely won't be watching Biden’s SOTU speech, according to the Kremlin spokesperson, adding, “He liked the old host.”
Tonight! The international taekwondo organization strips Putin of his black belt. Good! No belt makes it easier for Ukraine to spank him.
On #LSSC tonight: @StephenAtHome recaps the weekend's events in Ukraine with TWO monologues, and we learn what getting kicked out of SWIFT means for Russia's finances.
Retweeted by Stephen Colbert
Mask restrictions are easing just in time for us to see each other’s expressions when World War III starts.
Forget Papa John’s CPAC speech. I‘m waiting for Little Caesars' TED Talk.
The US is closing the embassy in Kyiv. But it will soon reopen as a Spirit Halloween.
I assume the Gazpacho Police specialize in cold cases?
He said, in an interview.
So America really COULD run on Dunkin’.
Tune in tonight to “Fairview” on Comedy Central! It’s the "Euphoria" of animated half-hour comedies about insane small town government. twitter.com/HelloFairview/…
Canada's police are fining the truckers for "excessive honking," and yet Canada geese continue their lawless mayhem.
Can't wait to get a letter from the IRS saying that I incorrectly filed my face.
I don't care what Minnie Mouse wears, but we need to talk about how Donald Duck just parades around with his cloaca hanging out.
If you leave a Boris Johnson lockdown party without saying goodbye, that's known as an Irish Brexit.
“Ethereum is Collapsing” sounds like the most boring Philip K. Dick novel.
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