Is it too early in the year to expect an offer of a mince pie with every cup of tea?
What British garages are for:
Barbecues when not in use
What they’re not for:
Being told “I think it’s somewhere in the garage” when inside the garage looks like a bomb went off in a charity shop
Well, happy October to you all 🎃
May your chocolate treats be spooktacular and may your heating not have to be turned on much.
You know the person sending the email is absolutely outraged when you see the word “per” has been wheeled out.
Life at the moment is like Monopoly, except the only squares are utilities, free parking doesn’t exist, there’s no extra £200, mortgages aren’t on offer, Monopoly money is worth about as much as real money, you’re not allowed to stop playing and there’s absolutely no chance.
Ways to miss a delivery:
1. Leave the house for seconds
2. Go to the bathroom
3. Stay in all day and wait by the front door in silence
4. Open the delivery company’s app and press anything, thereby changing your delivery preference to “never”
Oh god it’s October tomorrow. Sounds ominous.
Waking up every day playing “covid or cold?”
"You should pop round sometime" - Meaning: If you knock on my door unannounced I will stay very still until I hear you leave.
Well, the 20s have been a bit of a downer so far, haven’t they?
“Have you seen the news?”
”Let me guess, everything’s really, really bad?”
”That’s pretty much word-for-word what they said, yeah”
“It’s next on my list!”
There is no list.
“Sorry I’m not really a morning person…”
Or an afternoon person, or an evening person for that matter. More of a bed person.
“I’m really stressed, it’s proving to be a very hard day, I don’t know how to cope, I’m so tired”
A British person: “I think you need a mug of hot brown leaf water”
“Have you had a chance to read my email?”
“When did you send it?”
“Well… I guess we’ll have to go with ‘no’ in that case, won’t we?”
“I’m not sure I follow” - Translation: What on Earth are you going on about?
“I’ve actually got quite a lot done today” - Translation: I did two whole things.
Things that happen 1 minute before a Zoom meeting:
1. Your software decides it’s time to update itself
2. Your headphones will cease to exist
3. You develop a cold
4. Vigorous door knocking - delivery!
5. You forget how to communicate like a normal human
6 When your food hasn’t arrived but everyone else’s has
7 When someone’s talking far too close to your face
Times when it’s hard to concentrate on a conversation
1 When there’s one roast potato left
2 When someone’s making tea like an amateur
3 When a guest sits in your usual sofa spot
4 While noticing a table in a busy pub is about to become free
5 When someone has food on their face
The most excited you’ll ever be before winning £2.
A British person as they’re being shot from a giant space cannon, directly into the centre of the sun:
“It is what it is”
Best thing to do after mowing lawn:
Stand inside and stare at lawn.
What would be a Very British name for the next Bond film?
"Okay, everyone happy?"
No, but if I say so this meeting might not end.
“How are you?”
“You’re not meant to ask that”
What do you want for Christmas?