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I made a series of short films with @thatlot for my book 'Seven Ways to Change the World' to cover the key themes: climate change, economy, education, global health, displaced people, tax and nuclear arms. Here they all are in one thread. #changetheworld Climate Change
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The kiss was all I feared: a brutal assault on innocence and freedom, in the form of a playful moment of affection between two adults in a loving relationship. I threw soda on my children to distract them.
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Those of you avoiding #BuzzLightyear are doing the right thing. I saw it in a theater last night and I’m still processing my horrifying experience.
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Happy 150th birthday to my beautiful friends at @CuckfieldTownFC. We have the joint 23rd best claim to fame ever. Honoured to be a whitebelly today. x ⚽️
My favourite thing about using eye drops is applying them without thinking and only double-checking that they’re eye drops and not acid or whatever *after* I’ve poured them into my eyes.
Every lower league football team has one player who brings a full shower gel to every game and you can play for decades without finding out who it is.
It wasn’t to settle a salary dispute. He had gotten a big raise and just divided it amongst the cast. He was one of a kind.…
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Happy 11th birthday to this tweet, which means happy *mumbles* birthday to @MooseAllain. 🥳…h
we really need to change the name of Annual Leave so it sounds less like a forced Bank Holiday and more like your basic human right to NOT WORK THE ENTIRE TIME
seriously how can anyone think the world is making progress when TVs are still being sold with two separate remote controls
Wait, the manager of Hartlepool is called Paul Hartley? Absolutely beautiful.…
Heartbreaking to think we’ll never again be match-fit and hyper-prepared for pub quizzes like we were mid-2020.
I feel like driving abroad is far more impressive than people give you credit for. I tell people I drove to France and they say oh right that’s nice but I want and think I deserve a standing ovation.
“Well it never did *me* any harm.” - a clearly damaged person
There are also dozens of dads walking around wearing t-shirts which say things like The Dadalorian and The Incredible Dad (but with a picture of The Incredible Hulk lol). Are we just letting people like this roam freely among us now? Is this how it ends?
So I’m in Disneyland and there’s an alarming number of *entire families* wearing fully matching outfits. Have I drifted through life unaware this was a thing or is it yet more evidence of the impending apocalypse?
🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷@RMcElhenneylhenney may very well be Wales’ greatest ever ambassNsHinoO
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idea for a tv show: we call it *method actor* and the main character is preparing to play the part of a normal person in the year 2022 and to fully get into the role he spends all day every day being a total arsehole on the internet
remember the early days of the pandemic when people started tipping *every* delivery driver then quickly realised hahaha nope that level of basic manners is never going to be sustainable
Twitter help please. A schoolfriend’s sister has been given the tragic news she has terminal cancer. She’s a huge theatre fan and we’re trying to get her a backstage tour as well as tickets to a West End show. Does anyone know someone who could make this happen? Feel free to DM x
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I saw a tweet that said for dogs sniffing things is like reading a book and that’s so beautiful but god help me it’s adding *hours* to every walk because my dog seems to think bird shit and stinging nettles are libraries
Hard to accept the world just keeps on turning when so many of you forget to wash your legs and feet in the shower
People are 70% water. Their personality depends on whether it's still or sparkling.
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I'm aging like fine wine (in a basement, untouched)
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Inspired by Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the Year, I painted a portrait in under 4 hours today. Gabriel Clark (oil on canvas paper) (#118 in 2022) #Hollyoaks #actor #LGBTQ #LGBT #queer #portrait #oilpainting Check out the video of me painting it here:…
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The five stages of grief, as represented by butter substitutes.
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‘Niamh’ not being pronounced how it’s spelt is my pet piamh
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No one: Me: 2022 Oscar Outfits as Public Health Graphs
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tweeting like i’m 100 years old tonight, sorry about that.
every time someone tweets a screenshot of a whatsapp exchange they have at least 50 unopened messages and honestly I don’t understand how you all know so many people
literally everyone under 25 has stopped using the word “to” - “I’m going work, I’m going gym, I’m going pub” etc - and the rest of us are just pretending it‘s ok
I’m sorry facebook I can enter *what* code?!
🚨 Brand new episode 🚨 Episode 4 of Career We Go is out now! - How many appearances did Winston Bogarde make for Chelsea? - Did Johan Cruyff play for the Washington Diplomats? - Which Premier League manager has been texting Andy Gray? Listen &
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Performing classic adverts as serious drama: Birds Eye Steakhouse Grills (1982)
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My Mum doesn’t know she’s signed into my Google account on her iPad. Every morning I have an enlightening butchers at what she’s been Googling the night before. Gives me a little insight into her state of mind.
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If you’re wondering what you can do on March 11 & 12 at 7pm, holy flip, have I got the perfect solution for you?!…
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every quarter i give my students an extra credit assignment to make a meme about something we covered in class. this quarter i taught US History from approx 1815-1920(ish), and the kids had some spicy takes (thread of memes)
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Grammar is the difference between helping your uncle wank off a horse and helping your Uncle Wank off a horse. I think that's right.
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fascinated by the energy of a conversation between President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who is in Kyiv & facing down Putin, with Boris Johnson, who hid in a fridge from Good Morning Britain
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Spaghetti hoops are basically Alphabetti Spaghetti for backing singers.
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blocking and reporting literally everyone who retweets this slander…
⚠️ PLEASE RT ⚠️ IZZIE NEEDS OUR HELP! She is just 13 years old and has TWO life-threatening blood disorders. She urgently needs a blood stem cell donation, but no one on the worldwide registry is a match. 😢 Request a swab kit to join the register
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New to my twitter? Behold, my many masterpieces…
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If you'd like to watch Ben Whishaw playing me on television then I've got some good news. THIS IS GOING TO HURT is coming to @BBCiPlayer and @BBCOne on Tuesday 8th February. And here's a trailer to prove it.
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