Santa Claus, CEO

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I'm just saying, Luke Skywalker should've gone back to Hoth to give that Wampa a prosthetic robotic arm like him and his father have.
I just learned there was about 40 years between the invention of the telegraph and the invention of time zones when guys were just telegraphing back and forth, “Fuck you [stop] it’s not dark outside [stop]”
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"--rejected by family, runs away into the cold until he meets a wild Canadian who helps him find a home with other "misfits"--is basically the same story for Rogue in "X-Men". #RudolphTheRedNosedReindeer
People who correct what the "AR" stands for in AR-15: "No, Mr. Bond, it stands for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation!"
Sorry but to me, every Schnauzer, Scottish Terrier, and Wire-haired Dachshund is a male, and specifically voiced by Billy Connolly.
“You see that chicken?” “Yeah…” “I’m gonna shove it up a duck’s ass.” “…Gerald, I’m leaving you.” “SHARON, LET ME FINISH…” —The Invention of Turducken 🐓🦆�#HappyThanksgivinging
Joy-Ann Reid: “I choose abortions.”…
I bought a personal insult machine. It literally insults me all day. I didn’t want to buy it, I just said I would as a goof, but I don’t understand how contracts work, so I’m stuck with it. It’s CONSTANTLY insulting me. I keep kicking it, more insults. Damn thing cost $44B.
If you were a real alpha male you’d submit this complaint as an op-ed in the publication of record—Maxim magazine. 🙄…a
White House correspondents who weren’t on the guest list to Naomi Biden’s wedding:
This numbskull still doesn’t know how “agreements” and “deals” work on the most basic of levels 🤦🏻‍♂Pc
“I was born a rich African child…”
Somewhere outside Twitter HQ tomorrow:
“Pay… to the order of… at IAmTimotheeChalametParodee… Eight dollars and ZERO ZERO CENTS!!!…”
God I hope he doesn't have a bowling alley right now.
The only bright spot in any of this is Jonah Hill’s eventual Oscar-winning portrayal of Elon in a movie called “Deadbird” or something like that
If this is it, I feel as though I should tell you all, I am not Santa Claus.
Very, very accurately.
The “Cartmanland” episode of “South Park” very accurately predicted what’s happening with Twitter right now.
Yo, if a bear doesn’t phase him, that dog has SEEN SOME SHIT in his life.…
I get it now… It’s a SINK-ING!
Sending your kid to the Donda Academy should be an NDA on its own. You should be EMBARRASSED to admit that you made such a terrible decision as a parent.
“My kid is studying parkour at the Donda Academy.” “So your kid’s as big a dumbass as you.”
Also, a “hidden location in Simi Valley” is what LA people call “a rattlesnake nest”
I’m sorry, but if you thought your kid would benefit from a $15,000/year hidden private school with NDAs and designer uniforms being run by a guy whose first album is called “The College Dropout”, you’re a dumbass parent.…
"Hello, 9-1-1? I'd like to report the entire death count at the end of 'Commando'..." 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀…�💀
"Surely I can't be racist if I've shoved a black guy on stage!"…
It's like watching one of those episodes of "Flip Or Flop" when Tarek and Christina were divorced, and then Tarek started carrying fixtures around to seem more "handy" and "masculine". She ain't comin back.…
I can’t believe Kanye’s plan was “we’re gonna go to Skechers headquarters and surely they’ll give us a new billion dollar shoe deal” and yet he still has a crew that was willing to drive him there and go in with him. 🙄
Thy, thy, thy poker face, Thy, thy poker face… 🎶…w
When “local political leaders” make women’s healthcare decisions: #PASenateDebate
Headline: “Local Political Leader Makes Healthcare Decision For Woman” #PASenateDebate #HOTD
When “local political leaders” make decisions about women’s healthcare: 💀 #PASenDebateeQ
Here’s a visual aid to the “local political leaders” that Dr. Oz said should be making women’s healthcare decisions:
Too bad for Candace Owens. She was just a few days away from selling her husband’s social media company to Kanye, turning “Parler” into “Sprechen”…
Like, three people are going to get this joke—maybe Patton Oswalt and two other very shaken people.
The availability of the McRib in the US has historically been tied to the pork futures market, sooooo……
Even the ghost of Jam Master Jay has denounced Adidas
Even if it is Mike Pence, it’s crazy that just saying, “I might vote for someone other than the guy who just lost the presidential election,” is somehow shocking in today’s Republican party…
It’s “Wakandan”, and those are “Black Panther 2” commercials, you idiot. 🙄l
Omg this fuckin company… 🤦🏻‍♂️ DID YOU NOT GET THE MEMO ABOUT NFTs FROM LIKE 6 MONTHS…45
They should just have Kenan play Liz Truss this weekend on SNL, it’s not like Americans even got to know what she looks like yet
This is like watching “a very special episode” of Abbott Elementary because Val Demings is taking Marco Rubio to SCHOOL…
Marco Rubio: [reaching for the entire water cooler jug]…
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