Santa Claus, CEO

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The first week the vaccine was available they should’ve sent a Music Man-style conman to every town in America, and insist that the vaccine was “more of a Shelbyville thing”, and they “wouldn’t be interested.” Build the monorail, feed Bitey, all of it. 🚝…yE
This headline should read, “Police Reform Takes Positive Step By Losing Bad Officer”…
"Rob Zombie's The Munsters." Up next: "Gilligan's Island of Dr. Moreau" "Leave the Remains for Beaver" "The Brady Bunch of Maniacs" "Father Knows Best Places to Cause Pain" "Humanskincoat Junction"
Me, reading about all the delayed Marvel release dates:…
There are people who see Colin Powell’s death even though fully vaccinated (despite blood cancer that weakened his immune system), as evidence that vaccines don’t work …which is completely ironic that even in death, Colin Powell is still being used for a false “smoking gun”.
Tell me you’ve never spoken to a woman without actually telling me that you’ve never spoken to a woman.…
By the way, if you actually know how to use MS Office Macros, you are literally an insane person.
I’m a professional TV editor and I hate using the editing functions of Instagram Reels… But then I realized that’s like a Final Draft screenwriter complaining about people writing scripts with MS Word Macros.
“Thank God Trump started Space Force, otherwise we’d never be able to handle enemies attacking us from space.” Me: “Yes, how incredibly necessary that we needed an entire new armed FORCE that fights threats that come from the AIR.” 🙄
And the Air Force couldn’t handle this becauuuuuuuse…? 🤔…a
Come for the “I got dumped for being unvaccinated,” stay for the “I tricked my husband into being unvaccinated by threatening him with life insurance payments because that makes sense somehow” And don’t miss out on the, “wear two condoms so you don’t get vaccine STDs” Morons 🙄n
This is probably “too soon”, but… Did anyone else hear about the Norway bow and arrow attack and think to themselves, “We need to talk about Kjurvin”?
Goddamn, Bowen Yang kills it. Between the Titanic iceberg and this, I just want an endless cavalcade of Bowen Yang as minor movie characters talking shit.…
I hadn’t watched “Cloverfield” since it first came out, and I’m realizing that everyone dies because the guy who was moving to Japan wanted to make sure his ex-girlfriend was still ok, despite showing up to his going-away party with a new guy. Also, TJ Miller is the cameraman?
No matter what the IKEA website tells you, the Ültron is not compatible with the Jårvis system.
Retweeted by Santa Claus, CEO
“Call it what you like… but it wasn’t a REAL gallows.” —The Hangman’s disapproving mother-in-law 😒…X
[extremely Mel Gibson in "Ransom" voice]: "GIVE ME BACK MY MOM!"…
No matter what the IKEA website tells you, the Ültron is not compatible with the Jårvis system.
Trump: “I’m not into golden showers…”
I saw the QAnon documentary… this dude lives in Japan, and his weird porn server thousandaire dad lives in Thailand or something.…
In the American version of “Squid Game”, Player 456 is handed a fried chicken cutlet and has to extract a dino-nugget. #SquidGame
Retweeted by Santa Claus, CEO
“Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg is on paternity leave during a global shipping crisis! This is a scandal!” “So you want a government takeover of the shipping industry?”
Dear Tucker Carlson, Babies are notoriously bad at taking care of themselves, they usually need a parent, and not all of them are breastfed. Also some women who can still produce breastmilk donate to other families. It seems like you’re painfully unaware of these things. 🙄…J
Oh, Pie-O-My… 😭3
“I’m not into golden showers… also Tony’s sister Janice wanted to stick a dildo up my ass and pretend she was pimping me out, but I definitely didn’t do that either…”
No, Trump’s not INTO golden showers. He’s *UNDER* golden showers. It’s a matter of prepositional phrasing.…
You know how companies generally like to hire people who are going to stick around for more than a few months, so they don’t have to retrain new workers? Well, with vaccine mandates, there’s fewer workers to replace, because they’re not dead.
Hello Avengers fans. Honest question here (as I fully support your decision to watch “Endgame”), how do you feel when you post Thanos memes knowing it excludes people?…
I love how April and October come around every six months to remind me that I don’t give the slightest shit about baseball. 😑
“Oh you want 2 regular adult-sized mugs worth of coffee? Ok, so fill the carafe with water to the line where it says ‘7 cups’…” —Every coffeemaker in the world for some reason
Flight Attendant: “Sir, could you put your tray table up? We’re about to take off.” Kyrie Irving: “Why you trying to make me do something? It’s not like I’m part of a collective group with a common goal/destination! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m researching the Bernoulli Effect.”
I’m beginning to think that Kyrie Irving was the fiancé in Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s story. 🤔
Wasn’t “Goth Hospital” one of the American Horror Stories seasons? 🤔
"I miss my Droopy Balls..."
At Goth Hospital, The Pain Assessment Chart is just 6 different photos of Robert Smith. 😐😕🙁☹️…UwbXr
William Shatner: [goes into space] Uncle Owen: “Maybe next year…” @HamillHimself
Specifically, dog-size medium. 🐶
You guys, Halloween is coming up and I need to know where to buy a Trent Crimm The Independent wig. #TedLasso
[William Shatner press conference] “Ah yes, Mr. Shatner, isn’t it true you could’ve gotten a better deal on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic shuttle if you had used Priceline dot com?” #WilliamShatner
Greg Abbott, being defied by Southwest and American Airlines: “Interstate Commerce and Travel, how does it work?” 🤡r
Ok, why did they send William Shatner into space and not James Cromwell? You people know nothing about Star Trek.
Blimey! That bloke Joe Biden’s gone and taken me Vicar’s Pudding and me Tinned Teabicuits and me Chesterfield Chezzwicks! Wot’s a poor flower girl like me to do, guv’nor?? 🇬�…Xd
So Archbishops can refuse orders from the Pope (who already said there are no Catholic vaccine exemptions), and can then tell soldiers to refuse orders from the Commander-in-Chief? Do I have that right?…
Pitch a movie with 2 pictures. No caption.
Everyone who is losing their minds over a bisexual Superman is basically Brodie from "Mallrats" if he never had a girlfriend at the beginning.
Pitch a movie with 2 pictures. No caption.
Retweeted by Santa Claus, CEO
Trump’s gold-encrusted VIP animal mask is shaped like a slug. #SquidGame…
Goddammit, when will England and France stop fighting the fucking Hundred Years’ War?…
God I hope Buzz McCallister married his girlfriend, and I hope she’s played by the art director’s son again too. #HomeSweetHomeAlone
Ok, I really enjoyed Archie Yates in “Jojo Rabbit”, so I actually am curious to see him in “Home Sweet Home Alone”.…
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