Burgess & Basil

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According to Psychology Today, eye rolling is a form of contempt. Nonsense. I only roll my eyes when forced to deal with stupid people.
guys what if dinosaurs had massive ass but we dont know because all they left behind was bones, not ass
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Depp v Heard is actually just a multimillion dollar game of "I Know What You Are ~ But What Am I"
I'm going to catch you in a cup and put you outside.
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"is it pronounced Windgardium-levy-OOH-sa?" cashier: no, pronounced 'card declined due to insufficient funds'
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Me: *frantically searching for car keys* You: Did you lose your keys? Me: Nope. I just have to figure out where they are.
How can you NOT be passionate about cheese?
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I’d like to think of myself as a lone wolf but I’m really more of an irascible woodchuck who likes Steely Dan
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
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"What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me" -guy who invented sports
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Sometimes you want to say something about Antarctica it froze you so bad but Pangaea always said if you aren't having anything reconnective to say so you talk about ices brought back together with a little water and no scars as you stand in front of your cracked penguin like fire
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent me: can you tell my boss that
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Throw this mortgage in reverse and let’s get the Hell out of here
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They call it critical thinking cuz nowadays that shit’s on life support
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asking the Mothman to say the prophecy again because he said something that made me think of something else and i stopped listening.
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surround yourself with people who don’t realize you want to be alone
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Pranking the doctors who are conducting life saving surgery on me by replacing my failing liver with cake
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Our dishwasher broke yesterday. Home Depot said they could not sell me a new one due to Critical Race Theory. I tried Lowe’s, but they said they no longer sell home appliances, just the book “Gender Queer.” This is President Biden’s America
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Back when I was a kid, you could get murdered as many times as you wanted as long as you were home before dark
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Twitter coming together to celebrate Jesse Williams
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Remember when a small stream in the forest could occupy your entire day?
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[ Joining a work Zoom meeting ] Please enter the meeting code: *sighs loudly twice* Thank you.
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Twitter is ephemeral. But so is life. We are all dust on the floor of a derelict shed in an overgrown orchard a few miles east of Leighton Buzzard. Don’t take my word for it, go and look.
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If you are a Democrat in the House or Senate, get off Twitter and do something. We elected you to legislate, not tweet.
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You put your legs thru the sleeves, but it's still a shirt.
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its not that the dogs in costa rica know spanish, it's that the dogs in costa rica know more spanish than me
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I am 106 years old living in an arctic cabin with no electricity I mail these messages to my nephew and he puts them on this World Wide Web for me somewhere and well I would just like to say hello to you all.
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The fundamental problem I'm having right now is that I don't have a tunnel
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I'll tell you, some days it's very difficult being the unofficial mayor of Twitter
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I like the phrase "keep your shirt on" because it hearkens to a time when common social parlance of expressing impatience was "I will get naked right here in front of you, motherfucker."
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like "wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years" and it's like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn't know
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Ronald Reagan holding a block of Government Cheese after the passing of the Agriculture and Food Act of 1981 which makes the government stockpile 2 pounds of cheese per American.
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[another tweet bombs] fuckin Elon.
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9 out of 10 doctors agree- I escaped from that straight-jacket way too fucking fast.
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Anytime I've ever said "duly noted" I really didn't even remotely make the slightest attempt to note that shit duly.
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The trick is to procrastinate so long and hard, that the space-time continuum folds into itself and the universe just gives up and forgets you were born.
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A hotdog launches out of the ocean and lands beside me. I scan the beach quickly before taking the hotdog in hand. “Maybe just a nibble” I think. But nibbles turn into a bite. I suddenly feel a hook piercing my cheek as I’m then violently dragged into the surf.
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the internet is great because where else can u read a perfectly worded synopsis of the philosophical works of Kierkegaard written by 420_PUSSY_CRUSHA
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You ever cringe so hard that a piece of the universe bends in half and swallows you into hell?
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me: *trapping spider under a cup* I'll open the door and let it out submarine captain: no
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people in the midwest rn are like “might just go ahead and open up the house”
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I'd bury my head in the sand but the fuckin' wind would uncover it.
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"I'm not reading that." - Me when your tweet is longer than this
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phoebe bridgers fans will be like “let’s fucking gooooo” and then play a song about crying at pasadena city college
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The central image on my coat of arms is a coat with many arms.
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[in the back of a police car] the light’s green you can go
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i give my eggs a one-hour head start to make the hunt more challenging
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
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