Paul F. Tompkins

All Photos 6 hours ago
the guy in the little cesars commercial who says “and you also said some weird things about giraffes” gives such a great performance, I enjoy it every time and i’ve seen it a thousand times
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
I was going to do this anyway, it will be nice to have someone else there…
I still do tummy time and it’s the most relaxing part of my day. Time for myself!
They’re crowdsourcing the casting? Glad I’m not the only person who blows past deadlines…
We need to require that Joe Manchin stop working my gotdamn nerves.
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
MSNBC covering Colin Powell’s passing like “Man Who Voted For Obama Once Dies at 84”
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And to the news organizations waiting outside our offices for comment on these malicious stories, I say, "Go home now. You here four hour!"…
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This week’s @ComedyBangBang has the return of @dopequeenpheebs, discussing her new book & @hbomax special! Plus Intern Gino (@Gabrus), English person Kevin Attenborough (@PFTompkins), & my former DARE officer, Officer Dreary (@caseyfeigh)! Ad-free at!
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A few people are suggesting the president didn’t mean actual physical equipment but perhaps some form of training that would help improve the police and to be completely fair, that also has never worked
I’m actually ok if tv shows pretend the pandemic did not happen
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
I don’t know if you heard, it was kind of a big story, but one cop killed someone with a knee so I don’t know if equipment is the main problem with the police?…
Love it so much how when it’s time to tax the rich, 400k per year is firmly lower middle class but when it’s time to help people 60k per year is wealthy…
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
Well, the good news is, we get a break from the chant for a few days
GOD DAMN if we have to hear the chant at least stop showing these assholes doing the dumbass chop
Absolutely every detail of this tweet…
Fun to imagine how badly it would go if I attempted a head-first slide. Like I could see landing on my clavicle and my legs going so far over my head that my feet hit the ground and yes of course I am 10 feet from the base
I believe it was me who once said LET’S GO DODGERS
how is microsoft word still the best word processing app we have. where is all that american innovation i keep hearing about!!!!!
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
You put malt powder in a shake, it’s a malt. You put a tooth in a shake, the whole thing is one big creamy tooth now.
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parents: why aren't you on tv yet me: because you weren't
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I still believe Holly Hunter was the first civilian to start casually calling it “Covid”
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a few years ago Paul F. Tompkins did a live commentary for the Lon Cheney Phantom of the Opera, in character as Andrew Lloyd Webber. there's a little animated intro, and then it's the whole movie with PFT's bewildered commentary. it's a genuine joy.
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Charcuterie boards ain’t shit but bougie Lunchables
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We just gotta make it through one more Annabelle and a Conjuring and then we’re free baby
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
Minor takeaway from all the Britney coverage: LA County municipal buildings are fucking hideous. Those buildings need a conservator!
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This morning I was on the stoop with the baby drinking coffee and counting dogs and a lady came up and said IS THAT A DOLL OR IS THAT REAL? Like I might’ve just been chilling with my morning doll
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happy for you and all, but ffs, edit out the chop. play some music. don’t post the sound. SOMETHING.…
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I suppose there are worse things to saturday night drunk tweet about than how much I love box turtles
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As much as I am bummed out by the fucking chant I am even more bummed out for the Atlanta fans who are also bummed out by it
One weird thing about the "you can't say anything anymore" take is that there is a massive amount of excellent standup comedy being performed, recorded, and released all the time these days!!!
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
When I find out who is doing the voice for the crypto moon man I will ruin his life
Is the guy in the Little Caesar’s Crazy Calzoney commercial saying “You also said some weird things about…”
The part of the commercial where Eugene Levy turns to the camera and mutters “what’s in your wallet” in a serious voice is so chilling. Tacitly acknowledging that he is constantly watched by unseen visitors, no matter how late the hour
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
If I were somehow in the MLB and I ever successfully stole a base I would retire on the spot
Dodgers? Just a suggestion here but LET’S GO
hardest thing about making stuff is that even terrible stuff is hard to make
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
I have coworkers who became friends that I love deeply and who can always vouch for me that I was let go from the company because I barely did any work
Retweeted by Paul F. Tompkins
If the 1980 comedy sensibility is being “stifled” there are worse things that could happen
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