Paul F. Tompkins

All Photos Twitter.com 15 hours ago
she sent me this then put her phone on silent
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He skipped a debate focused specifically on homelessness this week: twitter.com/GustavoArellan…
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FELLAS is taking your beloved out to watch two old trains crash into each other a date??? twitter.com/silentmoviegif…
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The person sitting in front of me during MEN (2022) reading the Wikipedia for MEN (2022) on their phone…an icon.
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don’t act like you haven’t given this exact speech to your ex twitter.com/cher/status/15…
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POV these are the execs watching you at a yogurt commercial callback.
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I hope that young people Balencia-go to the polls
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Arghhhh!! I can’t tweet videos. Sorry guys!! Trying to sort it
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like 80% of that was from covid. how many people did they infect before they bit it, could we get a memorial for them too twitter.com/amyklobuchar/s…
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shoutout to the uber eats driver who showed up and left 31 cheeseburgers with a baby like “this is not my fuckin problem” twitter.com/CTVNews/status…
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not me being rude to tesla owners while i'm over here buying raw emeralds by the bucket...
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Hi there, I only drink mushroom beverages, have a cat named “Etherium,” and sleep in nine 88-minute snooze modules, and I think the richest man in the world, Elon Musk’s life is being threatened by a cabal of communists with pink hair
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Amazon has informed us that this is the week that will determine if the AI Known as Lord Metric Algorithm will grant us a new season. So it’s very important that people watch it in droves this weekend. FYI a drove is an abandoned car but you can watch it anywhere. #KidsInTheHall
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What if everyone leaves SNL tonight and they come back next year with the 1985-86 cast: Joan Cusack, Robert Downey Jr, Randy Quaid, Nora Dunn, Anthony Michael Hall, Jon Lovitz
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Due to The Most Wicked and Relentless Virus, our special guest, @PFTompkins cannot join us tonight😭However, Chicago’s very own BOB DASSIE is bringing his saxophone and mad mad skills! Tickets still available! Rainbows still getting Climbed On!🧗🏻‍♀️🌈🎵🌈🧗twitter.com/pftompkins/sta…mgvNno9OeO
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if a demon ever came to me and offered me a deal like “10yrs of ur wishes coming true but then i own ur soul” i would immediately say no…. u’ve just proved there’s an afterlife and i’m gonna spend it smelling judas’ piss in hell bc i wanted the lead on a cw show?? babe…?
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He’s going to give the flowers to an even bigger bouquet twitter.com/internetkendra…
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A dodo showed up but whatever
I planted 2.6 million trees in 19 years all alone, but I guess I can go fuck myself twitter.com/Dr_TheHistorie…
Covid voice helping impressions
Finally got the go-ahead to post my rejected rap break for the theme song to “BOSCH: LEGACY” IT’S THEIR LOSS
Watching The Baby and the reaction shots of the baby in The Baby are making me laugh every single time
Netflix laid me off earlier this week, which means my BF is losing his health insurance, which means we’ll no longer be able to afford his cancer treatment. Please consider donating and/or RTing so we can get things back on track 🤘�gofundme.com/f/rob-is-fight…jP
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After 13 years in the podcast business, @ComedyBangBang is going on tour! See @ScottAukerman, @PFTompkins and friends perform live on stage at @masseyhall on August 28 at 7PM! Tickets on sale now at masseyhall.mhrth.com/tickets/cbb!
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Oh also I feel okay, just a little intermittent cough
Was this fun to read two years later
Just ran into my octopus teacher at the mall, it was embarrassing for both of us
Think about a bunch of pearls falling on the ground and then I smear black stuff around my eyes put on a dumb hat and go out and violence everybody twitter.com/batmancontent/…
I Photoshop @paddingtonbear into a movie or show until I forget: Day 436
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the start to an extremely cursed buddy comedy
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Jordan Peterson should not have been allowed to leave Twitter unless he read ALL the comments
Had the best time with the notoriously nice and pleasant Big Chunky Bubbles 🥣🫧twitter.com/PFTompkins/sta…miE
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sincerest congrats to @PFTompkins im 2 minutes into his Big Chunky Bubbles podcast and i can already tell hes created the most unpleasant hour of audio ever produced
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On this week’s episode of CBB Presents, Big Chunky Bubbles hosts “I’ll Cry If I Want To!” CBBWorld.com
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Such a sad realization that everyone who was in a movie before 1980 is now dead.
@PFTompkins, per 🍎: "Tap Settings > General > Keyboard > Text Replacement. , then enter your phrase and shortcut. When you're done, tap Save. To remove a text replacement, tap Edit, tap the Remove button, tap Delete, then throw your iPhone into a lit chiminea."twitter.com/PFTompkins/sta…s
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I make keyboard shortcuts on my iphone’s text replacement setting to swap in correct words instead of wrong ones like ducking and shiv. …for, y’know… if you actually wanna know and not just post a good funny tweet. I can’t help it. twitter.com/pftompkins/sta…
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How do I tell my phone that I meant “and” because I always mean “and” because I will never mean “abs”
We did it Joe* *made this shirt** **and had sex twitter.com/earwolf/status…
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