The ParentNormal

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Neighbors: (Boom, Boom, Blast) I could do fireworks all night! This is the best! Parents: The kids are gonna be awake all night. This is the worst!
Happy Independence Day! I'll be celebrating with kids who dictate everything I do or even think of doing.
You can search the entire internet faster than a kid can search their room for a pair of shoes in the middle of their room.
If you think texting and driving is dangerous, you don’t want to know how dangerous it is to be parenting and driving.
Threenagers talk like everything they say is a "reply all" message to everybody in the room with them.
The only thing kids hate more than getting in a bath is getting out of a bath.
It's impossible to pick up after kids. Seriously. You can’t pick up after people who never pick up anything the first time.
A toddler's arch nemesis is a closed door.
Kids do follow the five-second rule. It’s just that they believe five seconds is a VERY long time.
Toddlers always go the extra mile... when they are running away from you in a public place.
Toddlers dance the same way they cry: without inhibition.
Never throw away empty toilet paper rolls. That's wasting completely good telescopes. - Kids
Kids can hear the opening of a pantry or refrigerator from 250 miles away.
Toddlers are great at whispering if whispering means talking as quietly as they shout.
A consequence of having kids is always having rotten bananas too. There is no way to buy the right amount of bananas for kids.
Booster seats are excellent for helping toddlers who aren’t quite tall enough to crawl onto the kitchen table.
You will always know if your kid was playing in a sandbox because the sandbox will fall out of their shoes as soon as they take them off.
When a toddler has a crumby day, it’s been a great day for them.
When you catch a toddler red-handed, it’s usually ketchup.
People who say don’t sweat the small stuff have never tried to pick up a thousand goldfish crumbs from between the couch cushions.
Nobody: Kids: Why? What? When? Where? How? Who?
When your kid is crying loudly in their room, be concerned. When your kid is being quiet in their room, be VERY concerned.
Kids are more afraid of getting shampoo in their eyes than anything you warn them about that can actually poke out an eye.
I need a five-year plan to figure out what to do during the time it takes my kid to go to the bathroom.
Fish are a good first pet, but they still have challenges. The challenges aren’t life and death – just death, indescribable-to-a-little-kid death.
Threenagers talk like everything they say is a "reply all" message to everybody in the room with them.
Watching a threenager for two hours is like watching a theatre production of Die Hard.
If there's ever a moment of silence in your car, you are destined to blow it by pointing at something your threenager will somehow not see.
You will legitimately want to know if it is called a high chair because of its height or because your toddler acts like they’re on drugs in a restaurant.
A consequence of having a toddler is always having rotten bananas too. There is no way to buy the right amount for a toddler.
Toddlers are great at whispering if whispering means talking as quietly as they shout.
A bedtime routine for a toddler mostly consists of parents saying “close your eyes” without success until sunrise.
A Toddler's Complete Bucket List: 1. Dump it out.
Wherever you are, wherever you go, remember, your baby is plotting to grab the sunglasses off your face to make it clear there is never a time when parents are cooler than their kids.
If you've never done an army crawl inside your house, you've probably never put a cranky baby to sleep and escaped the room successfully. Start practicing.
You won’t know what a baby’s real bedtime is until they fall asleep, wake up and fall asleep again for the second, third and fourth time.
Never wear corduroy pants and try to put a baby to bed. You might as well be carrying a boombox playing Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.
When you get teary-eyed as a parent, you could be thinking about the good times or the hard times, but most likely it's the smell.
Babies are like little sharks. They try to eat everything, you don't want to make them mad and they can't go backward.
Don’t bother saying, "You're going to wake the baby." Before you finish the words, your baby will already be awake.
A kid’s favorite food topping is whatever is on top of your plate.
Baby clothes come in three sizes: a.) too small b.) fits for a day c.) can grow into it
Babies are like whoopee cushions. As soon as you sit down, they make a crappy noise.
Forget taking a yoga class. Once you’ve taken 30 minutes to exit a baby’s room in slow motion, you’ll know every position well enough to teach a yoga class.
If you've ever said something easy is like taking candy from a baby, you've never tried to take candy from a baby. A baby will cut you.
People without kids have mornings, afternoons and nights. People with kids only know bedtimes, past bedtimes and in need of naps.
Babies can act exactly the same whether they are clean or have poop in their diaper if you're wondering why you should be afraid, very afraid.
Baby hands are so small and gentle and clumsy and cute and armed with razorblades for fingernails. So approach with caution.
Changing a diaper that doesn't need to be changed is an example of parenting being as good as it gets and as bad as it gets.
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