Recipe 1: Grilled Cheese. Clang 2 pots together for 5 minutes while reassuring your family you do not need their help. Once you’ve made enough noise to alert everyone you are cooking, bring opening every drawer.
what kind of lunatic actually WANTS any notifications turned on
My true power as a mother comes from being the household candy dealer.
If my husband wrote a cook book, it would be called How to Make a Meal Using Only Every Dish in the Kitchen.
I woke up super early on a Saturday and all I got was this coffee stain on my shirt
My parents have been married for 40 years and I just noticed my mom's contact info for my dad in her phone has his first AND LAST name I'm crying
Turned the thermostat up on the water heater and your mom won't stop texting me.
Be honest. Do these commas, which I use extensively, as instructed by my English teacher in the late 70s, make me look old?
*Phoning from the bakery
Me: "Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?"
Wife: "Surprise me!"
Me: "One time I was drunk in college, and I killed a man"
If you don’t have a child who you have to hide the tape from, then you don’t know my struggle.
serious question: how long do I have to leave my left blinker on until I’m eligible for retirement
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I'd like to get to the grocery store today but my going out sweatpants are in the wash
might become an all lower case no punctuation account
Parents just want one thing and it’s to sleep in on a Saturday
96% of cleaning is avoidance
My mature skin is the only thing about me that acts my age.
I'm sorry I messaged you forty-five times at 3am. It was a supply chain issue.
Young people who are now into cassette tapes are going to find out why we quit using them and I am here for it.
Just when I think my marriage is going smoothly my husband starts wearing necklaces.
It's incredible to me that a whole generation of office staff will never experience alphabetically filing massive charts in hulking file cabinets.
My 9yo son took one look at the new stuffed animal in his sister's hands, then turned to me and said, "you had a moment of weakness, didn't you?"
me, waking up on my 30th birthday: So this is what 30 feels like.
me, waking up on my 38th birthday: So this is what 97 feels like.
You want fashion tips? *tightens the Velcro straps on my shoes* You were right to come to me.
I stopped my cat from knocking over a pile of papers for the eighth time and somehow I’m the asshole.
Time can't change me and I can't change the time in my car.
Finished off a roll of wrapping paper so I bonked the nearest family member on the head with the tube because them’s the rules.
Wine from ikea but it’s just a box of grapes with an Allen wrench
My kids are twelve and fifteen years old. The cutest thing they’ve done recently is not ask me for money
When I forget about the little makeover my kids gave me and leave to run errands
Obgyn: *persistently calls and emails me about scheduling my annual check up
Also Obgyn: *booked solid for 6 months
me: what's in it for me?
Tortillas are just edible napkins.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m still eating Halloween candy for dinner.
the only things holding me back from becoming a millionaire are motivation, determination, and $999,999
How many calories does exasperated sighing burn?
my 4yo is having an emotional day so therefore I’m having an emotional day
Friend with baby: so when does the really stressful phase end
Me: HAHAHAHAHAAAA *cries*
My daughter has her Halloween candy hidden in a locked box under her bed.
I’ve taught her well.
My background is in being a wife. I can make anything sound like it was your idea.
Things you never find once lost
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Pete Davidson? Pshaw. More like Pete Ladiesman.
"Sorry if I lose you. My phone's about to die."
"We're speaking face to face."
When you were a kid, someone with a trampoline immediately became your best friend
[every time I encounter a difficult person] ah yes. maybe THIS is my final boss. at last.
My husband is slower than doordash. And there is no one i can complain to to get a refund.
It’s not having a baby that I find scary, It’s raising one
Sorry can’t, I’m busy watching my front porch and street on my phone through my Ring doorbell.
Pro tip: Marry someone who’s not afraid to ask for a refund.