Jessie

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I grew up swimming in creeks and in "pools" with brown water. You can't hurt me.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing Me: what is it TB: does it matter Me: no I'll take 3
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Took kids swimming and there were loads of people there. My 5 year old squeezed my hand and said “Daddy, I don’t do busy” and I’ve never related to him more
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With the price of gas, and since I own an electric car, my smugness has increased by 88% in the last quarter.
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Just be thankful that it's not snowing. Imagine shoveling a ton of snow in this heat!!!
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My audition tape to Survivor is just me trying to drive while there’s a bee in my car.
Just want to be an old man with an old wife who corrects all the factual errors in my stories
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Him: we should make some friends Me: [hissing noises]
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🚨 trigger warning �cQ
I thought I was a chill person until I witnessed my husband open a new gallon of milk when there was one already open.
I still haven't found what I'm looking for is my favorite song about trying to locate things in the kitchen after my husband unloaded the dishwasher.
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Someday, God willing, I will attend my children’s weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets.
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Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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Four is a magical age of testing boundaries*, acting out*, boundless energy*, and emotional growth* *being an asshole *acting like an asshole *running around like an asshole *emotional manipulation
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Once again finding myself in need of something cappier than all caps
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The child’s urge to yell “look!” about something you’re staring directly at
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My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher’s name was Mr. Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing. Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms. Derpanis.
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Similar fitness routine: 1. Do absolutely nothing 2. Panic download fitness apps 3. Repeat
Welcome to middle age. You know how tired you feel when your alarm goes off in the morning? That’s the least tired you’ll feel all day.
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My skin care routine: 1. Do absolutely nothing 2. Panic buy skin care products 3. Repeat
my podcast is 30 minutes of me walking head to toe in corduroy
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"YOU'RE RUINING MY YOGA CALM!" I yell at the woman cutting in front of me at the coffee shop.
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if we're gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.
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I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.
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*left on read for 6 years* Me: are we still boyfriend and girlfriend?
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I have a math problem for you. If you go on a walk with 2 kids how many steps will they take before you have to hold their scooter?
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Parenting hack: If you fart as you kiss your kids g’night they tend to get mad and immediately kick you out of their room and boohoo I’m so sad Imma drink wine about it… Work smarter not harder, folks.
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being gen x means finally embracing trends just as they go out of style
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The punishment for sneaking someone else's kid into the children's museum is that now you're in the children's museum with someone else's kid.
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A problem came along so I whipped it, and I whipped it good, but it's still a problem
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Should I contribute to a 401k or just die young I literally can’t decide
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*the sound of me falling down the stairs* My husband: Is my computer ok?
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On Sundays, the stop sign in front of the Hobby Lobby is optional.
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I wear the same thing everyday. I am basically a cartoon character at this point
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That, is some beautifully worded bullshit.
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That awkward moment when your friend posts something subtly revealing that it’s their birthday, so you feel obligated to *at the very least* comment ‘Happy birthday!’ on their post. Don’t worry, you won’t catch me doing something so childish today… because I’m 31 now.
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[THE APOCALYPSE] Dads: *mowing the lawn*
Just returned from vacation with the kids. I’m broke, exhausted, and afraid to weigh myself.
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I was at a stoplight and I actually saw someone who wasn’t on their phone. They were flipping me off. So refreshing.
I’m still listening to what you’re saying but I’m also scratching my back with a wooden spork.
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Traffic Signs: Don't text and drive Also Traffic Signs: Text *SAFE for traffic conditions
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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I call the shirts I just folded "folded." My wife calls the shirts I just folded "what the hell is that?"
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Hi, bonafide Italian here. I know a thing or two about keeping cool in hot weather. Thought I’d share my wisdom with you.🧵
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I just want to live as free as my coworker who eats an entire Taco Bell family meal on their lunch break. I also want to be further away.
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Hey, I mean this with love and respect, but can you get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sandwich?
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I just accepted a Friend Request from nine years ago. Killin it.
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I can see you're upset. Would 50 loose Nerds™ from the bottom of my purse help?
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I thought it was funny. A memoir.
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