Jessie

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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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First child: Path of least resistance. Second child: I don’t like the path. Third child: What path?
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Tonight, I read the story I'm writing to my girls, and they were both asleep before I finished the first page. And like, wow. If my fiction has this effect on every kid, I'm about to be a very rich woman.
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Today I am thankful for all of you. Okay, some of you. Most of you are weird.
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Me, 5 hours before company arrives: Cool, calm, collected Me, 15 minutes before company arrives: I NEED TO PAINT THE BASEBOARDS
I hate when people show you a video clip longer than 7 seconds long. Like, how long am I suppose to watch this thing
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My 13yo said she was sick of relatives asking her “how’s school” so I asked what she WOULD like them to ask and she said she wants a quirky aunt to ask if there's any drama at school, so you can use that today at Thanksgiving.
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Me [walking in]: Happy Thanksgiving what's your wifi password
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ME: Can you keep a secret? FRIEND: No ME: Me neither. So get this…
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Those big coffee mugs that are the size of soup bowls? They make good soup bowls.
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Now accepting your: thoughts, prayers, spells, donations, good vibes, best wishes, listening ears, charity, hugs, high fives, leftovers, and loose pills from the bottom of your purse
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I need to get in shape. Tomorrow, I'll walk to Dunkin Donuts.
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Life comes at you fast. One day you’re a teen embarrassed that your mom is asking your friends what their thanksgiving plans are and the next you’re the mom asking your teen’s friends what their thanksgiving plans are.
According to Facebook, Stacy G., who was mean to me in 8th grade, now has a gray front tooth and looks rough for her age.
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Many millennials are grandparents now. Happy Thanksgiving
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Welcome to my home. This is the rug I trip on.
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Why didn't any of Spider-man's enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I'm going to change the subject by announcing I'm pregnant.
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1st glass of wine: Nice to meet you. 2nd glass of wine: We should totally get matching tattoos.
The holidays are upon us so remember, the perfect popcorn drum combination is 1/3 caramel, 2/3 cheese, 0/3 that red cinnamon shit. Is it so hard?
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Other people, drinking wine: Classy, sophisticated, civilized Me, drinking wine: We all should get matching tattoos.
I’m a mom. I’m not buying shit that isn’t machine washable and dishwasher safe. I barely have time to hand wash my hair.
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Alright, Mr. "In good times and in bad" I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let's go.
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My 5yo told me that she can finally relax because her husband took their baby to the park. Then she whispered in my ear that she actually can't find her baby so she's pretending he went with his dad lol
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There needs to be a super express line at the grocery store for those of us who have less than 10 items and are wearing slippers.
No parent has all 5 1. A clean house 2. A home cooked meal 3. A job outside the house 4. A thriving child 5. Sanity
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Emotionally I am at Costco the day before Thanksgiving.
Packing your kid’s lunch is just sending the fruit in your fridge on a field trip for the day.
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Good luck to everyone who has to do Thanksgiving tomorrow wearing business casual.
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I’ve made some stupid decisions in my life and going to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving is in my top 5.
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Pre-Thanksgiving reminder that the kids’ table is actually the best. No one at the adult table has ever asked how fast I can run or what the best lizard is
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My wife asked me to go to the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I guess this is goodbye.
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me: I think some people are birds in disguise friend: lol can I tweet that me: *narrows eyes* can you what
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If Apple earbuds fit perfectly in your ear, it means you're a witch
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Came home from a work trip to discover my neighbor had raked all of my leaves. Now I have to go thank them. This is a disaster
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I feel so bad for this generation of teenagers. The current price of gas is so high, they can't even afford to drive past their crush's house fifty times
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there is no such thing as "unlimited" breadsticks. you will eventually die
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When I’m on a tight project deadline I do all my housework before I start working on it to make it a real challenge
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The sound of parental desperation: Goddammit, buddy, SANTA IS WATCHING
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I told my one child to take dinner out of the oven. I told my other child to not chew on a plastic bag. They are 18 months apart.
[waking up] brain, gently: we’re allergic to grass now
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy. Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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Those who are like, “So I bought a home security network with the latest technology” and those who are like, “So I bought 5 cows.”
There are two types of people in the modern age: those who are like, “I downloaded an app for that” and those who are like, “I’ve started churning my own butter.”
There’s never been a more confusing time for women to buy jeans.
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You never know the secret battle someone fights. Like the person who hasn’t eaten bread in a year and their insides have turned to coal. You. Don’t. Know.
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I am making a breakfast pizza for dinner. Things have gone off the rails.
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we were watching dateline last night and i looked over at my wife and she was taking notes??
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I'd like to thank The Today Show for giving me SOME GREAT money saving tips for Thanksgiving like "see if you have food in your pantry" and "get your catering orders in now". So helpful, very relevant stuff.
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7-year-old: Alexa, fart 10,000 times. Me:
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