The Sassiest Semite

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The moon is so full & bright over the water right now & I’m whisper screaming all my wishes from the sand, straight up to the sky.
I appreciate a Friday when the only filter needed is pizza grease & sunscreen. Bon weekend 🖤9
Babe are you okay? You’ve hardly touched your charbooterie
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I do not hug. I take them into my welcoming embrace and drain their life force.
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cdc says go head and eat the silica packet
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Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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2 years & countless doses of heavy duty pills & potions later, my skin is FINALLY back to normal. First pic in ages where I didn’t feel compelled to use lighting to hide it. And yes, that’s a smile line. No, I won’t be filling it ever again. I love smiling. I earned that line.
Out of office for a week. The excitement is palpable, covered in peroxide & probably should have worn a bra for this. Oh well, it’s vacation time🎉f
Roadtripping to the beach. I’m a traveling Siren. 🧜‍♀️
I don't want self-driving cars and trips to Mars, I want a planet where we don't get headlines like "all the rain is now toxic"
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I’ve had social anxiety my whole life. I’ve also refused to let it stop me, my whole life. So, before I go somewhere I have to psych myself up. I’ll dance, sing, drum, twirl - whatever it takes. Several weeks ago it got caught on tape & made me smile. Whatever it takes🖤a
love being off twitter a couple days, logging back on and immediately seeing takes like "bookshelves are performative." It's like remembering why you stopped hanging out with that one friend who always tries to fight the bouncer
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I’m so very ready to live in a bikini & pretend to be in a 60s Jean-Luc Godard film for a week.
No one, except Dolly Parton, is above the law.
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You can find me where the wildflowers grow
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i’m an absolute menace to society 3-5 days of the month
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2018 <———————> 2022
Edward Gorey's Dracula. Different productions starred Frank Lagella, Raul Julia, & Jermey Brett
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This is my little brother and his girlfriend 😂😂😂�twitter.com/liipochaco/sta…4T6bYW
When a listing starts with “Do you love Natural Bridge Caverns” you know it’s going to be great. Currently listed for $875,000 in San Antonio, TX.
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Can someone bring me a thunderstorm please?
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Le créateur de mode japonais Issey Miyake est mort à l'âge de 84 ans. « Mon regard se porte toujours vers le futur, jamais vers le passé. J’ai la conviction profonde que le bonheur et la joie résident dans cette perspective positive. »
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I want a SILENCE OF THE LAMBS spinoff about the crosseyed entomologist. Just him solving bug-centric murders.
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Extreme modesty and purity culture is sexualization. I wonder when we’ll be able to talk about that.
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For the Fox News viewers, the Director of the FBI—who approved the raid on Trump’s home—was appointed by him five years ago this week.
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Saw this and can’t stop thinking about how much better I am at making plans than God
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“Would it be too childish of me to say: I want? But I do want, theater, light, color, paintings, wine and wonder.” ──Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.
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Shoutout to everyone whose home isn’t being raided by the FBI right now.
Michael Keaton is 400x more of a babe at 70 than he was in his 40s. Gentlemen, this is what happens you live an unproblematic life.
It’s never a good idea to put me on speaker phone without telling me I’m on speaker phone.
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Pizza topping compatibility is crucial.
This one hurts deeply. My inner 11 year self is shattered. Farewell Olivia Newton John.
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My birthday is in two weeks & once again I have forgotten to give myself ample time to procure the blood sacrifices to offer the gods in exchange for my immortality & for my boobs to remain at their current altitude. I’m gonna have to wing it.
i am not a bad person but if i had a grappling hook gun i would 100% use it for crimes
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A lot of people need to hear this: It’s PER SE, not per say.
Sigourney Weaver testing a flamethrower during the production of ALIEN.
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I unhinged my jaw and ate an entire bagel in 3 bites this morning. I can only hope my ancestors are proud.
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