TWO YEARS LATER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARKER LENNON HANEL.
food is getting freaky deaky expensive.. thinking about quiting it for awhile to save some money
they should rebrand takis demon twigs
just thinking about how when i was i kid, i used to think Alzheimer’s Disease was actually called “Oldtimers Disease”.
am i a sick fuck for liking the taste of pepto bismol
real romance is when your girl asks you to pick the wedgie out of her ass (and you do it)
the only time i’ve truly been heartbroken was when my cat died
SOMETIMES I LOOK A PIC OF MYSELF & THINK “DAMN JOHNNY, I REALLY DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE.. BUT YOU DID IT AGAIN BUD.. YOU GOT EVEN BETTER LOOKING”
when someone says the beatles suck... i know it’s safe to ignore everything else they say about music
who the fuck invented the green bean casserole??? nasty bitch. i hate whoever that is
ONE YEAR LATER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARKER LENNON HANEL
yo.. season 2 of Cocomelon slaps way harder than it should. straight bangers front to back honestly.
man… i just wasted so much of my life listening to that new Kanye record
THIS IS WHAT SEX APPEAL LOOKS LIKE
WENT INSIDE & I WAS EASILY THE HOTTEST GIRL IN THERE
you mean to tell me.. that garlic salt.. isn't just for salting garlic
girls will say you can’t turn a ho into a housedad yet here i am
bro i honestly feel bad for anyone who outlives me… bc ya of course the world has moved on without some mildly important people like Gandhi, Einstein, Steve Jobs.. etc. but without me??? good luck lol
just told my wifey that she better knock our daughter over or some shit like that if she tries taking her first steps when i’m not in the room.. i’m not trying to miss that moment no sir
you just can’t help but lose faith in humanity when you get through a huge back up in traffic… & realize it was backed up because there was a car accident on the OPPOSITE SIDE of the highway & people on your side just couldn’t help but slow down & stare at it
dead ass serious if i were Bill Gates (and i’m not) but if i were Bill Gates.. i would change my name to Billion Gates
POV: YOU TRY TO RUN MY POCKETS & SHE POPS OUT MY SHIRT WITH A SLOBBERY ASS SWITCHBLADE WHAT YOU DOIN
why does my family keep buying my daughter shoes!!! not even 3 months old. she can’t walk!!!
i need to go on a mf diet.. i literally weigh like 17 times more now than i did when was born
yo these covid masks & my hot ass breath really do be havin my face warm & toasty in this foolish winter weather
unfortunately guys i have to report that i just tested 100 percent positive for being a hot ass DILF 😔heard it’s not contagious tho so please no one panic
i feel bad for keto people. not only are they fucking stupid.. but they’re missing all the pleasures of carbohydrates
i think baby Parker was poopin in our family xmas pic.. the face says it all
YES I AM ON STROLLER DUTY
THIS PARENTING SHIT TOO EASY
dear god why must gorgeous & perfect guys (me) have so many exes who just can’t get over them???
my daughter Parker Lennon Hanel was born this morning. i can’t even describe how scary and amazing it all was.. lots and lots of tears. i seriously owe the world to you Erin. thank you so much. i love you. P.S. shouts outs to Whole Foods for the piece of vegan carrot cake
ppl who don’t like guacamole disgust me. i would literally eat guacamole off a mop bucket