Jessi Smiles

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Had my anatomy scan today - I was SO nervous but thankfully everything looks perfect. 🥺💛 She had her hand in her mouth for 99% of it loAu
I want to say before the video goes public - I am very emotional and angry in it. I’m usually much better at composing myself. I really did try to stay calm, but I’m sorry in advance for any parts where I just couldn’t.
Video is processing - it’s up to youtube when it will be ready. Soon, hopefully. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Sorry guys - pushing the upload to 4PM EST. Video is over an hour long and is taking forever to export and upload.
The video is long, so it will be up tomorrow. I’ll share an exact time later today. Please don’t worry about me or the baby. I’m okay and just need this to be over.
I want to throw up. Filming tonight. This needs to end.
Btw - I’m feeling much, much better. I made the decision a few weeks ago to get back on medication. I had to. I was unable to eat or sleep and my doctor said that the benefits outweigh the risk in my case. I am finally, just in the last few days, starting to feel okay again. 💛
Deleted Twitter for a few days - did I miss anything?
I’m not scared, I’m tired. Since last summer, Gabbie has tried to get me to do what SHE wants or she’ll “talk about our past” which consists of, quite literally, things that are stupid and embarrassing for us BOTH. So no, not scared. Tired. twitter.com/Ambre24777994/…
I have been physically ill every day. EVERY day wondering what she’s going to say. If she’s going to present situations with context or without. If I’m going to be harassed over it. I just want to fucking crawl in a hole. I’m so beyond the point of over this. twitter.com/October0756115…
And she put this clip over audio of her talking about people who tried to put a “target on her back.” I get it, Gabbie. We had a toxic falling out after our friendship ended. Please leave me alone now.
Gabbie - idk if your plan for me in this “series” is to follow through with your threats from last summer of talking about our past. I do, however, sincerely BEG you to leave my trauma out of it. Stop using the clips of me crying. You’ve done enough. Leave this out of it.
Barely eating or sleeping. Anxiety sucks 😞 my body just completely shuts down. I want to feel “normal” again.
It’s okay to ask for help. This time around was the hardest for me because of the pregnancy. I felt like I needed to control my mind for my baby’s sake but I couldn’t. And I needed help. And that’s okay. Please ask for help if you feel you need it. You don’t deserve to suffer. 💛
I became an aunt this week and my niece is so perfect. I had a doctor’s appt today and everything is good with the baby. Noah starts pre-k soon. Just trying to breathe and constantly remind myself of the beauty of life 💛
I’m in a bad place mentally and I don’t say that for pity. I just cannot continue this back and forth with Gabbie without sacrificing my sanity. I’m logging off. I won’t make this situation “go away” for her, but I will gladly leave her alone if she TRULY does the same to me.
I know I made a public video calling Gabbie out in 2019 - I understand that. I don’t, however, understand how that warrants Gabbie being able to bring up my rape/rapist consistently in order to “defend herself” against things that she...actually did. It’s beyond triggering.
TW/Suicide - The Ultimatum Pt. 2
TW/Suicide - The Ultimatum Pt. 1
Pt. 2 (note: call has been edited for brevity but in no way that affects context)
Gabbie and I had a phone call last summer. I never planned to release it. In fact, there’s nothing I want more than to never talk or think about Gabbie ever again. But her continued lying about my trauma has officially broken me and I don’t know what else to do.
TW/Rape - I was quiet after Gabbie harassed me online last summer. I was quiet when she went on Drama Alert and spoke about me, and when she started teasing an exposé docuseries on all of her “enemies.” 4 days ago, Gabbie’s Buzzfeed article came out. I will no longer be quiet.
Is recurring panic attacks and anxiety seriously dangerous to a pregnancy? I feel like there’s no safe way to regulate anxiety while pregnant - but then they also say stress is bad for the baby. What’s the solution, is there any?? Any tips welcome, I’m desperate lol 😞
My pregnancy hormones really got me like this right now
My patience is....running thin.
What is the easiest way to learn another language?? My attention span is SO short, none of the language apps work for me, and I find it very difficult to retain any info which is why I still don’t know French 4 years after marrying Nassim 🥴
So grateful to be able to announce that I'm pregnant with our rainbow baby!! Due November 2021 💛youtu.be/PgmHNJgXqXkP
We’re not good with dates. Or remembering things. Or being on time for anything.
FML we forgot our 4 year anniversary too 🤦🏻‍♀️ better late than never twitter.com/jessismiles__/…kDJ
Me every time I decide to open Twitter
thinking of george floyd’s family ♥️ no guilty verdict will ever bring him back, there is no justice. this is accountability and we have a long way to go
Retweeted by Jessi Smiles
I’ve had a really beautiful day and have a lot of positive things to look forward to. Going to log off and focus on that. Love you guys. 💛
Unfortunately, it’s been almost 8 years. 8 years since I was raped. And people with large audiences still come out every year, like clockwork, to tell people that I wasn’t. It’s discouraging and an absolute representation of why women stay quiet. twitter.com/lara_widger/st…
Someone please remind me to never logon to Twitter again, thanks 💛
Uploaded a new video where nassim picks my makeup 🤦🏻‍♀️ loyoutu.be/HEtU77cebrcqG
Watch me talk shit about nothing for 16 minutes: youtu.be/w9ipFx-3y30
Brb about to go part my hair in the middle because gen z said so
I’m drinking wine and am in the mood to film but WHAT do I film? This is my constant dilemma lmao
Finally posted a video on my makeup channel! It’s a GRWM/kind of a life update on how I’m feeling: youtu.be/3aPZa4nUoSg
also made this lyric video where I messaged strangers on Grindr w/ the lyrics. thanks @jessismiles__ for helping me and blurring an unsolicited dick pic like a champ <3 youtube.com/watch?v=doKGgB…
Retweeted by Jessi Smiles
Had many “will I ever fucking feel okay” days this month but I noticed today...that I feel okay. Love you guys.
It is such a weird and exciting day. I really do believe we have all faced immense trauma from the last four years, and to feel hope because of basic decency feels weird. But I really am so excited for this administration and the change/diversity we are already seeing.
Retweeted by Jessi Smiles
I’ve been dreading having to share this news, but here it is. I unfortunately miscarried on Monday at 14 weeks pregnant. Here’s the full story. youtube.com/watch?v=iYAuIf…
Thank god I can now tweet about my irrational baja blast cravings at 3AM in peace
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