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Autocorrectile Dysfunction: when you misspell a word so badly autocorrect doesn’t even know what to do with it
At this point in my life I just call the vegetable drawer the Land of Make-Believe.
having a teenager is fantastic if you ever wanted to experience what it's like to live with Gollum
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“I hear your kid’s kind of a dick.” - me making small talk at the PTA
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The adult version of the floor is lava is if you get off the couch someone is going to ask you to get something.
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Whether it’s because they ruined or lost the costume you already bought them, most of us have been here.
They will try to eat your brain. 🧟‍♂️👶IE1
Why you should eat your kid’s Halloween candy: • cavity prevention • they’re bad at counting • you paid for it (in some way) • you ARE the boss of them
Camping, when you can say you slept great but also like shit.
I wanted a cheeseburger for dinner and my wife wanted pizza, so we got pizza like we both wanted.
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Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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My son and I do this thing when the nav loses track and our car is shown barreling through city blocks and buildings, we look at each other and go AAAAHHHHHHHH! Because that’s showbiz baby
My son doesn’t tend to eat all of his dinner. Tonight was the same and it was his favorite. I’m slowly becoming suspicious that he’s saving room. For snacks.
My wife can wear leggings out to dinner but I can't wear sweatpants? Leggings are just less baggy sweatpants.
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One time I tried encourage my son by saying “c’mon, it’ll put hair on your chest!” Horrified, he said “D-dad… I’m 10.”
Kids don’t have selective hearing, they have strategic deafness.
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
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so anyway it turns out failure is an option
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Really tired of autocorrect making me sound dumber than I am. I never typed "thunk" (before now) but apparently I thunk a lot in the past.
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As of today the panda stuffy will no longer be known as Panda. It is now Panda The Panda. Do not make the mistake of calling it Panda like I did.
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Anyone else wondering which forgotten musical act is going to hit the pop culture jackpot next?
If you're in your 40s and you sit on the floor to play with your children getting back up is sometimes not an option.
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My son woke me up to say Happy Father’s Day and presented me with a bottle of wine and a card with a touching message. Then he gave me the best gift, saying “You can go back to sleep now.”
Him: if you had no kids right now, what would you be doing? Me: enjoying a house that rarely requires cleaning.
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My wife gets at least one package delivered to our house almost every day. I got a delivery today and in a judgmental tone she said "What did you order?"
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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Saying to visitors “we’ve been making memories” is the nicest way of warning people your place looks like someone carpet bombed a landfill.
Ever look at your baby and think “you knew exactly what you were doing”?
12yo: So Dad… did Amber Heard really poop on the bed? Me: Apparently. 12: 12: 12: 12: 12: I bet she didn’t even wipe.
The first rule of Encanto is: we do not talk about Bruno. The second rule of Encanto is: we DO NOT talk about Bruno! Third rule of Encanto: if someone yells “stop!”, goes limp, or taps out, you have to stop singing We Don’t Talk About Bruno.
Nothing in life ever prepared me for how many boxes I’d have to break down as I got older.
I’m the opposite of lactose intolerant. I’m lactose reliant 😌
Please send me some thoughts and prayers as my 3 year old enters the “me do it” phase.
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Walking into a store and Girl Scouts are out front selling cookies. My son says “don’t make eye contact with them” and just like that I have a new life coach.
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today? Me: I don't think it's an act.
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Don’t do the Krispy krime if you can’t do the Krispy time.
For every "I'm pregnant" April Fools' Day "joke" I'm replying "It looks like you put on weight."
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Any burrito can be a breakfast burrito if you just believe
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People say they get super frustrated when their grocery store changes the layout, but have you ever had your kid rearrange the apps on your Home Screen?
I have self-confidence but it’s realistic. I know I’m not all that and a bag of chips. I am the bag of chips.
Me: Go to your room, you're grounded. Child: Okay. If you need me I'll be alone, in my quiet room, napping. Me: Child: Me: man that sounds nice
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The science of snot.
wife: what's wrong? me: I dropped a piece of food on the floor then ate it wife: everybody does that me: it was in the kids' room wife: you disgust me
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I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was.
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Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that's October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
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No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
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The walk of shame, but it’s me returning to the car for the groceries I couldn’t do in one trip.
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