ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I'll need 4 French horns or 5
Is it just me, or are these new Animoji’s a little on the creepy side? 😜6
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My kid’s music teacher got married over the summer and changed her name. Then she trolled her students by wearing a wig and fake glasses every day until they figured out who she was.
It took two months.
CornNuts are great for a quick snack or for when you want to hear the sound of a hundred coffee mugs shattering in a washing machine inside your head.
Suggested Waze “Reported Ahead” Notifications
Crazy floating plastic bag...
Super gross roadkill...
Shitty vehicle belching toxic smoke...
Sudden soul-punishing wall of traffic for absolutely no reason...
Once you have kids it’s not a season, it’s a cold and flu life.
When women have a mullet, can we call it a mullette?
I think I need some sleepy time now.
Kid: Why did they name a planet URANUS?
Me: It’s named after a Greek god. There‘s a bunch of them.
Kid: Are there any other gods named after buttholes?
Motherhood is mostly looking at your kids and thinking to yourself, "I can't believe I MADE that!" but also sometimes thinking, "I can't believe I made THAT."
First we blamed teething. Then we blamed developmental leaps. Now, we have no choice but to admit this is not a phase.
Our child is just an asshole.
Does your wife ever look at you so angrily it almost feels like it should have a sound effect?
My 10yo: I want to be a master detective when I grow up.
Also my 10yo: *peering closely at my face* Dad, you have BLUE eyes. I thought they were brown.
Ramen waiter: How spicy?
Me: So spicy I’ll need to visit a burn victim unit to go the bathroom.
Kids are cute little monkeys. Outbreak monkeys. Everyone is sick because of my sweet little virus lord.
Most mom’s eyes light up when they see dad wrestling with the kids.
But it’s those red demonic rage lasers because it’s bedtime.
How do you say “strangle the day” in Latin?
Who else goes on a such a jumped up raging rant that you start laughing your ass off at your own fury?
I don’t need three cameras on my phone, Apple. But I would not mind a WHERE TF DID I PARK feature please.
Someone was lookin Oktoberfierce this weekend. 🍻r
I’m almost 36 years old and I’m not sure if I’ve ever made my dad proud. Meanwhile I’ll gush with pride at the sound of my own kids farts.
I may be gross but the world is a better place because of dads like me.
I love my kids more than anything in the world, but if someone offers to babysit them for a few days, I ain’t saying no.
Wife: You really should get rid of that rag of an old t-shirt.
Me: A t-shirt saved is a t-shirt earned.
Wife: It doesn’t work like that.
Wife: our son was confused about sex so I told him the penis goes in the vagina, something happens, and a seed grows into a baby.
Me: Seed? Why didn’t you say egg?
Wife: Our son eats like 5 things, I’m not about to risk ruining eggs for him.
It’s almost Fall and the end of days. Apparently.
Last night, my oldest drew a picture of a sun with a sad face. I asked him why the sun was sad and he said, "Because the moon was going to be here soon and the sun had to leave." It was such a deep thought.
Especially for someone who was eating his boogers as he drew.
3-Month-Old: I AM VERY TIRED!
Me: Why don’t you sleep?
3-Month-Old: *eyes welling with tears* How fucking DARE YOU
Adding "write to-do list" to my to-do list level of procrastinator
As a newlywed: I love the sounds you make when you sleep
After 20 years of marriage: The way you yawn makes me want to vomit
Me: Christ it's been a long week.
Coworker: It's Tuesday.
Lady with newborn: I can’t believe that in just 18 short years my kids will be independent adults and won’t need me for anything!
Every parent with an 18-year-old: *laughs hysterically*
Someday I know I’ll be on TV.
Sure it’ll be Snapped but that’s showbiz baby.
Whoever decided to put cocktails in Mason jars is a beast. 32oz? Legend
Is fullmoonsomnia a thing? I guess it is now.
When I forget to eat anything all day I like to tell people I’m saving money AND losing weight. But I say it really loud and pissed off because I’m cranky af when I’m hungry.
Welcome to parenthood. You now have 845 pencils in your house, but can’t find a single one that has both a point and any eraser left.
The first rule of Tantrum Club is *pterodactyl screech crying*
The second rule of Tantrum Club is *even louder pterodactyl screech crying*
My son grew up with “I’m going to count to three!” So one day he saw a mom struggling to herd her demons and said to herself “just count to ten.” And my son, scared, goes “What happens at TEN???”
Crazy how fast my 4yo can find the “x” in a pop up ad but not the large toy in the middle of the floor that I asked her to pick up.
me apologizing to my husband:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:02
me apologizing to my kids:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:08
me apologizing to my dog after I stepped on their paw and they made that little *arf* noise:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:27:19
Apparently, we like to play a fun game in our house where we ruin our kid’s life every day but always for a different reason.
Most adorable argument eveeerrrrrr.
Target employees the week after Labor Day
5yo: am I helpful?
Oh wow... ummm... how do I put this... you can’t even find your shoes...
Parenting hack: start telling your kids to find their shoes 3 hours before you have to leave so you’re definitely still late because hahaha there are no hacks you idiot
The walk of shame, but it’s me headed to the car, leaving the grocery store knowing full well that I probably forgot an important item.
The Ripeness of Kids Clothes Described Like Wines
GIVEAWAY ENDS TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT! Win a copy of Avengers: Endgame (available on Blu-ray now and this metal Infinity Gauntlet movie replica.
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