Nothing in life ever prepared me for how many boxes I’d have to break down as I got older.
I’m the opposite of lactose intolerant. I’m lactose reliant 😌
Please send me some thoughts and prayers as my 3 year old enters the “me do it” phase.
Walking into a store and Girl Scouts are out front selling cookies. My son says “don’t make eye contact with them” and just like that I have a new life coach.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don't think it's an act.
Don’t do the Krispy krime if you can’t do the Krispy time.
For every "I'm pregnant" April Fools' Day "joke" I'm replying "It looks like you put on weight."
Any burrito can be a breakfast burrito if you just believe
People say they get super frustrated when their grocery store changes the layout, but have you ever had your kid rearrange the apps on your Home Screen?
I have self-confidence but it’s realistic.
I know I’m not all that and a bag of chips. I am the bag of chips.
Me: Go to your room, you're grounded.
Child: Okay. If you need me I'll be alone, in my quiet room, napping.
Me: man that sounds nice
wife: what's wrong?
me: I dropped a piece of food on the floor then ate it
wife: everybody does that
me: it was in the kids' room
wife: you disgust me
I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was.
Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that's October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
The walk of shame, but it’s me returning to the car for the groceries I couldn’t do in one trip.
That moment when someone tells you (a painstakingly non-judgmental person) something so stupid that your judgment travels 10 times faster than the speed of light and you’re left with forcing the strongest poker face of your life.
Welcome to your 40's. One of your neighbors has a tree you can't stand and you fantasize about something bad happening to it.
What the hell is this even an ad for?
-everyone watching the Super Bowl
DOOT DOOT DOOT… DOOT DOOT DOOT… DOOT DOOT DOOT…
-every song any kid played on a recorder ever
Too bad they taste like chalk and broken promises.
In my opinion, the most unrealistic thing in the Harry Potter universe – where there’s magic, countless fantastical creatures and fireplaces that provide public transport – is kids being sorted into Hufflepuff and wearing a delighted smile on their way back to the table.
My kid has never had potato pancakes so I made some yesterday. He still has never had potato pancakes.
Doing laundry is a never ending pain, but what truly sets off the operatic internal screaming is having multiple kids who change clothes 2 or 3 times a day and turn every damn single solitary thing inside out before dropping them absolutely anyfuckingwhere but the hamper.
Me: No worries.
Narrator: But there were many many worries.
Kids when they dip their nuggies into multiple sauces
I wish I had the persistence of my toddler, who still asks for his chocolate advent calendar every morning.
If toddlers chose their own diet, they’d feed primarily off ketchup and chaos.
i grew up with a younger sister so obviously as the oldest i was always mario. now that i have kids they make me luigi. i was not prepared for this bullshit
She’s seen the pizza light
Happy Death to 2021, folks!
12 was eating dinner with a fork tonight.
We were eating soup.
Kids: I made a snowman!
Other kids: I made a snow fort!
My kid: I made a snow chair so I can watch the tv from outside!
It got really really difficult for me to continue using the expression “slept like a baby” once I actually had a baby.
Finding wrinkled laundry you forgot in your dryer has the opposite energy of finding money in a pocket.
I’m the kind of procrastinator that sets myself reminders with swearwords in them.
The leading cause of death for parents today is being a character in an animated kid’s movie.
Do other leaves shrink to a thousandth their size when you cook them or is it just spinach?
My son has reached the age where the way I type on my phone is painful for him to watch.
I made dinner for five tonight. Three of them are 12, so I’m now doing dishes for thirty.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Asked my son to pack….Opened his suitcase to find 17 Lego bricks, 4 hot wheels, broken crayons and a cat toy. Looks like someone wants to learn the hard way.
Tonight I got into a fight. An all out physical brawl. And I’m really not an aggressive person, so I’m exhausted and ashamed of myself.
In any case, I’m pretty sure the duvet cover won.
*pulls cable out of drawer*
Aw this one doesn’t work.
*puts cable back in drawer*
Can I sprint across a soccer field without collapsing dead? No.
Does the fact that players can do it for over an hour make the game enjoyable for me to watch? Also no.
If you haven’t used your mouth as a wet/dry vac on a spill, are you even a parent?