HowToBeADad
176,406 followers
human_not_bees 
Adar Poonawalla 
sma_04 
Autocorrectile Dysfunction: when you misspell a word so badly autocorrect doesn’t even know what to do with it
At this point in my life I just call the vegetable drawer the Land of Make-Believe.
having a teenager is fantastic if you ever wanted to experience what it's like to live with Gollum
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“I hear your kid’s kind of a dick.”
- me making small talk at the PTA
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The adult version of the floor is lava is if you get off the couch someone is going to ask you to get something.
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Whether it’s because they ruined or lost the costume you already bought them, most of us have been here.
Why you should eat your kid’s Halloween candy:
• cavity prevention
• they’re bad at counting
• you paid for it (in some way)
• you ARE the boss of them
I wanted a cheeseburger for dinner and my wife wanted pizza, so we got pizza like we both wanted.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad My son and I do this thing when the nav loses track and our car is shown barreling through city blocks and buildings, we look at each other and go AAAAHHHHHHHH! Because that’s showbiz baby
My son doesn’t tend to eat all of his dinner. Tonight was the same and it was his favorite. I’m slowly becoming suspicious that he’s saving room.
For snacks.
My wife can wear leggings out to dinner but I can't wear sweatpants?
Leggings are just less baggy sweatpants.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad One time I tried encourage my son by saying “c’mon, it’ll put hair on your chest!”
Horrified, he said “D-dad… I’m 10.”
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad so anyway it turns out failure is an option
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Really tired of autocorrect making me sound dumber than I am. I never typed "thunk" (before now) but apparently I thunk a lot in the past.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad As of today the panda stuffy will no longer be known as Panda. It is now Panda The Panda. Do not make the mistake of calling it Panda like I did.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Anyone else wondering which forgotten musical act is going to hit the pop culture jackpot next?
If you're in your 40s and you sit on the floor to play with your children getting back up is sometimes not an option.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad My son woke me up to say Happy Father’s Day and presented me with a bottle of wine and a card with a touching message. Then he gave me the best gift, saying “You can go back to sleep now.”
Him: if you had no kids right now, what would you be doing?
Me: enjoying a house that rarely requires cleaning.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad My wife gets at least one package delivered to our house almost every day.
I got a delivery today and in a judgmental tone she said "What did you order?"
Retweeted by HowToBeADad My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Saying to visitors “we’ve been making memories” is the nicest way of warning people your place looks like someone carpet bombed a landfill.
Ever look at your baby and think “you knew exactly what you were doing”?
12yo: So Dad… did Amber Heard really poop on the bed?
Me: Apparently.
12:
12:
12:
12:
12: I bet she didn’t even wipe.
The first rule of Encanto is: we do not talk about Bruno.
The second rule of Encanto is: we DO NOT talk about Bruno!
Third rule of Encanto: if someone yells “stop!”, goes limp, or taps out, you have to stop singing We Don’t Talk About Bruno.
Nothing in life ever prepared me for how many boxes I’d have to break down as I got older.
Please send me some thoughts and prayers as my 3 year old enters the “me do it” phase.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Walking into a store and Girl Scouts are out front selling cookies. My son says “don’t make eye contact with them” and just like that I have a new life coach.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don't think it's an act.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad For every "I'm pregnant" April Fools' Day "joke" I'm replying "It looks like you put on weight."
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Any burrito can be a breakfast burrito if you just believe
Retweeted by HowToBeADad People say they get super frustrated when their grocery store changes the layout, but have you ever had your kid rearrange the apps on your Home Screen?
I have self-confidence but it’s realistic.
I know I’m not all that and a bag of chips. I am the bag of chips.
Me: Go to your room, you're grounded.
Child: Okay. If you need me I'll be alone, in my quiet room, napping.
Me:
Child:
Me: man that sounds nice
Retweeted by HowToBeADad wife: what's wrong?
me: I dropped a piece of food on the floor then ate it
wife: everybody does that
me: it was in the kids' room
wife: you disgust me
Retweeted by HowToBeADad I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that's October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
Retweeted by HowToBeADad The walk of shame, but it’s me returning to the car for the groceries I couldn’t do in one trip.
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