I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Asked my son to pack….Opened his suitcase to find 17 Lego bricks, 4 hot wheels, broken crayons and a cat toy. Looks like someone wants to learn the hard way.
Tonight I got into a fight. An all out physical brawl. And I’m really not an aggressive person, so I’m exhausted and ashamed of myself.
In any case, I’m pretty sure the duvet cover won.
*pulls cable out of drawer*
Aw this one doesn’t work.
*puts cable back in drawer*
Can I sprint across a soccer field without collapsing dead? No.
Does the fact that players can do it for over an hour make the game enjoyable for me to watch? Also no.
If you haven’t used your mouth as a wet/dry vac on a spill, are you even a parent?
Like a Columbian drug lord rubbing cocaine on their teeth but it’s just me cleaning flamin hot Cheetos powder off my fingers.
But tell me how you really feel 😒H
[son drinks from my cup, his face crumples and he spits out the sparkling water]
Me: I guess you still don’t like carbonation, eh?
Son: It tastes like water that’s really pissed off at me.
It’s been two whole days but I think we finally hit the halfway point on the story my kid is telling me.
Good news! My 8YO says she is halfway done with the story which she started telling last Monday
Which option do I press to avoid your terrible hold music and repeated attempts to direct me to your website?
If I’m being honest, sometimes my bedtime is really my phone’s battery charge.
My wife: how do I escape from a group text?
Me: but it's just the two of us.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Home Depot employees are required to wear masks to protect your from their chagrin when you ask “Where are the little thingamajigs that twist into the dealybob?”
Doc: I have bad news
Me: [sliding $20 bill across table] How about now?
Rarely have I been this jealous of a kid. Medium rare, I’m mean.
I’ve been married long enough to know that “till death do us part” can start to suggest murder.
Sure, foreplay is great, but has Amazon ever messaged you when your package was eight stops away?
My father told me a 30-min story during which he said "to make a long story short" 3 times.
I don't think he knows what that means.
After 35, there’s no way to get out of a pool float with your dignity intact.
There comes a time when humidity plays a huge part in deciding if you're going to that outdoor event.
Me: There is no try, only do or do not.
My kid: I choose “do not”
I know it’s a first world poblano, but it really feels like voice dictation should be better at this point.
We need a “Ring Out” button so we can shitcan incoming calls and continue farting around on our phone but the caller hears all of the rings before getting to voicemail.
Parenting doesn’t get easier, but it does get louder.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn't call them jeans, she calls them "weiner pants" and i wish i didn't find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m too busy and tired to have a midlife crisis. Best I can swing is a midlife predicament.
Ever have one of those dumb brain days, like walking into a Target and saying to yourself I don’t need a cart because I’m just here for one thing? Hah!
My boyfriend left because of my obsession with pasta. I’m doing well but I get cannelloni.
My husband and I have been together for 18 damn years. Last night I found out that he’s not seen a single episode of The A-Team!! I’ve never felt so betrayed in my entire life.
If you have a kid and have five boxes of cereal in your pantry, how many opened boxes of cereal would you have? Five. The answer is five.
KID: What's "kicky" mean?
ME: No idea, I don't think that's a word.
KID: Like "she's a very kicky girrrrrl."
ME, mentally cursing Rick James: It means she really likes karate.
The easiest way to identify all of the dangers in a home is to release a little kid into it for five minutes.
Ironically, never once in my life have I remembered that Memorial Day was coming.
Coffee doesn’t make me like people more, but it does make me less likely to murder someone.
Does your kid love a thing so much you’re worried they may form a cult?
We didn’t get a chalk or letter-board to commemorate our kids’ last day of school. Thoughts and prayers appreciated as we navigate this difficult season.
I remember the day my son was born, watching my wife struggle and triumph through child birth. I held my son for the fist time while the doctors went to work fixing up my wife and I just remember thinking, “yeah okay, maybe that really is worse than that cold I got last October.”
When calling, I am either PLEASE GO TO VOICEMAIL or PLEASE DO NOT GO TO VOICEMAIL. There is no in between.
I keep telling myself “I will not eat these chocolate caramels” but it’s really hard with five of them jammed in my mouth.
My hair is getting some gray, and as much as I like the sound of a silver fox, I know I’m more of a silver groundhog.
When I was a kid, and we'd all be in the car ready to leave on vacation, my Mom would always run back into the house for what seemed like forever. We would all wonder what she was doing in there. Now I know what she was doing. Everything. She was doing everything.
No one tells you that the game of Life is basically set to impossible mode.