FMyLife

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Today, my water pills are almost identical to my sleeping pills, so not only did I not get any sleep, I had to get up every 15-30 minutes to go to the bathroom. FML fmylife.com/article/diuret…
Today my wife told me she really wanted to have sex, and to wait in bed while she got ready. Turns out get ready means do the dishes, feed the dogs, clean the cat's litter tray, phone her sister, make coffee, shower, and wait for the dryer to... fmylife.com/article/wait_3…
Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML fmylife.com/article/make-i…
Today I was sent to the hospital after being hit by a car on my bicycle. The police officer said it was my fault for not looking when the car pulled up without looking. I now have a small herniated disc in my neck and abrasions on my thigh. FML fmylife.com/article/alexa-…
Today, my teenage daughter came out into the living room and began belting out a song. When I cleared my throat, she screamed, turned beet red, and said, “I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE!” She’d been hiding all day, and to say I'm judging her wou... fmylife.com/article/judge-…
Today, I came out to my parents. Now my dad only refers to me as "Nancy Boy", and not in a nice way, that’s if he even bothers to speak to me at all. Mostly he just pretends I don’t exist. FML fmylife.com/article/this-i…
Today, my mom argued with me that I should have went to an emergency room a further 18 minutes away from me, during a near fatal allergic reaction, so I would've received "better care." FML fmylife.com/article/emerge…
Today, my newly ex-boyfriend, who is also my co-worker, threw me under the bus about our relationship, except he claimed it was a one-sided relationship. I offered to show the consensual texts between us, but he insisted it’s “Photoshoppe... fmylife.com/article/the-be…
Watching the papers learn “hot make fire” in real time
Retweeted by FMyLife
Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML fmylife.com/article/oh-by-…
conservatives in 1800 be like: "the radical left wants us to wash our hands after shitting"
Retweeted by FMyLife
Today, not only did my ex-wife take everything in our divorce, my most recent lottery ticket was off by only one number, I would have won millions and she wouldn’t have been entitled to a penny. Oh well, back to sleeping in my caravan, whic... fmylife.com/article/so-clo…
Today, my girlfriend dressed as Black Widow in a professionally-made skintight suit for our anniversary and even dyed her hair red. I was so turned on I did something I’ve never, ever done before: I orgasmed in my pants before she even touc... fmylife.com/article/love-c…
Today, my youngest son, for the third time, decided that the toilet is not where he wants to go to the bathroom. This wouldn't be an issue if he wasn't also squatting in the yard to take a dump. FML fmylife.com/article/when-y…
Today, I decided it was a good day to get my first tattoo since turning 18. Today, my parents decided it was a good day to make me homeless, because they are religious nutjobs that still live in the 19th century. Oh, and they’re no longer p... fmylife.com/article/permis…
Today, I was sitting down to do my homework when I severely sprained my ankle. I live on the third floor and can’t walk far without severe pain, and I'm broke, so a compression bandage is out of the question. I can’t wait until the first ... fmylife.com/article/health…
Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML fmylife.com/article/priori…
Today, I was feeling sad and lonely. I got a message from my father-in-law asking how I was. I instantly felt great that someone was thinking of me and wanted to chat. It soon became clear that the account was hacked. The hacker said more to ... fmylife.com/article/take-w…
Today, I have two options: 1. Use powder deodorant and don't have body odor for at least two days but get a rash, or 2. Use non powder deodorant without aluminium and not get a rash but get body odor the same day. FML fmylife.com/article/itchy-…
Today, at a family gathering, I gave my toddler my phone to get a moment of peace. After assuring my nosy, judgemental aunt and cousin that I wasn't worried about it because I have dropped it myself numerous times over the last two years, and... fmylife.com/article/never-…
Today my idiot son joined the army flew out on deployment then flew straight back home again after accidentally shooting himself. His squad leader said it was the most bizarre accident he’s ever seen while still being considered an accident... fmylife.com/article/soldie…
Today, I tried convincing my friend that his casual long-distance girlfriend, who won't meet him and never video/voice chats, is in all probability a guy catfishing him. He refuses to listen to me because her Facebook profile looks "legit". S... fmylife.com/article/legit_…
Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine. It wasn't, and someone had put their cigarette out in it. FML fmylife.com/article/cockta…
i was trying to take a video of fox playing with a dog and i got his owner saying “what’s your dogs name?” and i said “i’m katie”. i can’t believe how fucking stupid i am all the time for no reason.
Retweeted by FMyLife
Today, I called my coworker by the name of another coworker, and now he won’t speak to me. They’re both bald and roughly the same weight and height, so it’s not like I can easily tell them apart. FML fmylife.com/article/prosop…
Today, it’s my birthday. I woke up with a raging hangover and my house being completely trashed from the party I didn’t really want, and can barely even remember, since I got so drunk from the nerves of having to host it. FML fmylife.com/article/the-ha…
Today, I have horrible diarrhea because of IBS. If I was at home, this wouldn't be that big of an issue, but I'm at work and I don't have access to a bathroom all the time. I also found out I have about 10 mins to get to the toilet or else I'... fmylife.com/article/walk-d…
Today, I ordered pizza for dinner and left cash by the door so my son could pay for it, in case it arrived before I got home. I told him they should get all the money, but I just found the tip. Apparently he thought I'd miscounted. I'm a serv... fmylife.com/article/did-i-…
Today, I realised I'm one of those people who can talk without caring if anyone is listening. I was telling my husband about something, and noticed he was asleep. I checked our living room camera. He was asleep when I got home and I just star... fmylife.com/article/the-on…
Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML fmylife.com/article/corpor…
Today, I cleaned my closet a few nights ago and my sisters decided to take all of laundry I'd folded for the family and threw it in the closet, instead of actually taking it to the rooms of who it belonged to. Nobody in the house can find the... fmylife.com/article/organi…
Today, I was out camping with my boyfriend and his friends. I asked my boyfriend to give me a roasted marshmallow, asking him if it was cooled down and he said yes. I put it in my mouth and it was piping hot. They all laughed to the point of ... fmylife.com/article/sick-b…
Today, I was at a party and saw this girl who used to be overweight. She'd lost a significant amount of weight and looked so good, I went to chat her up. She immediately told me to get lost. According to her, if I "didn’t appreciate her at ... fmylife.com/article/that-l…
Today, I found out why my husband hasn’t invited me to his company’s summer social. Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want me to know of the fling between him and his attractive young coworker. Her age is the same number of years we’ve bee... fmylife.com/article/the-ca…
Today, I got a bartholin cyst drained. The doctor told me to keep it clean and dry, no pain meds given, just swelling and a catheter. I almost passed out a short while afterwards so I went to the ER. Now I’m drugged up and sitting in one sp... fmylife.com/article/we-re-…
WE DIDN’T LEAVE THE EU SO OUR KIDS COULD GET SENT HOME OR WEAR PE KIT TO SCHOOL. LET THEM BURN TO A CRISP IN FULL UNIFORM. BREXIT MEANS BREXIT.
Retweeted by FMyLife
Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML fmylife.com/article/okaaaa…
Today, at work I had to handle two selfish parents returning their adopted 6 year-old daughter to foster care because, “She doesn’t, like, fit with our lifestyle, and my mom is, like, too old to babysit her anymore and we, like, can’t a... fmylife.com/article/social…
Today, I introduced my friend to a show I really like. I told her that I’m only halfway through the second season, but she should check it out. Since she’s on leave from work, she decided to binge watch every available episode, then text ... fmylife.com/article/spoile…
Today, and ever since my parents started watching "Love on the Spectrum", they've have been trying to play matchmaker with me and the women on the show, since I'm autistic and single. Unfortunately, they've been unsuccessful. The universe is ... fmylife.com/article/loneso…
Today, I found out the rumors are true: my girlfriend is in fact cheating on me. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that she got busted for sex in a public park, or the fact that they’ve met up there several times to play Pokémon Go. ... fmylife.com/article/good-q…
Today, after our in-laws begged us to go, we drove 350 km each way to attend a birthday party on a Sunday. Upon arriving, they informed us the party started at 5 pm, not lunch time, leaving us to drive 5 hours in the dark. Our reward? My husb... fmylife.com/article/waste-…
Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML fmylife.com/article/close-…
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