I’m so taken, my inner voice sounds like Liam Neeson
Don’t threaten me with your positivity
You wouldn’t hit a man who can barely finish a 6 inch sub would you?
What the fuck did I do to deserve Buick ads?
You know it’s high time to vacuum the house when there is a visible amount of your long hair sticking out of Fido’s ass
[the world has ended. Keith Richards walks the barren wasteland, surveying all that is left. In the distance he notices a lone figure carrying what can only be described as Excalibur]
Keith: oi! Who goes there??
Betty White: you knew it would come to this, Keith. Now, draw...
I don't use glory holes - I'm agnostic
gaston: will you date me?
gaston: can I sing all the reasons why you're wrong
ever walk up to a urinal and it looks like a god damn pube grenade exploded? wtf bruh trim your shit
I dunno, Joe Biden doesn't seem all that sleepy to me. Billie Eilish on the other hand...
You thought you had me pegged, but I was on my knees with my ass out, anyway.
Cleaned out the shower drain and found enough hair for a whole nother bush
pronouncing Paraguay like bababooey
Hera: You have a bald spot.
Zeus: *looks at Athena* I wonder why.
Athena: What?! That was 30 years ago. Stop blaming me!
So a glory hole has nothing to do with religious ceremonies?
People in movies always have that french bread stick in their grocery bag, but then they make a sandwich with regular slices, BUT WHEN DID THEY BUY IT?
With the amount of hair I shed I’m surprised I haven’t been implicated in a crime I didn’t commit.
Who called it a salad with chicken and not breast in plants?
Truly loving yourself is never settling for anything less than you deserve ever again.
Judge: how do you plead?
Pepsi: not okay
I'm 86% perfect. But that 14% is so fucked.
It’s only when you accidentally shave off a patch of hair from your head, that you realize that Time is the best healer.
Me: I just saw a robbery at the barbers
Friend: Did you get a good look?
Me: *Twirling hair in fingers* I don't know, what do you think?
Gardetto’s is just Chex Mix for fancy people
Them: Just act casual
When life gives you lemons ask why how you ended up hog tied in a Florida orchard
Nor Shia LaBeouf til like after he made Holes.
godzilla vs kong vs long boi
Buffalo Bill didn’t look all that buff to me.
Pickle Rick lights a joint with a Pickle Bic it’s absolutely just science.
i beat the first tomb raider pc game without cheats what more clout do you need.
Ladies, the open-ended pocket in the crotch of your bathing suit is so the jellyfish can escape
my fupa remembers when camel toe wasn’t cool
Do you think plants ever get bored?
Fuck it man life is too short, Im gonna start keeping spare batteries in my butt hole YOLO
You know you're getting old when your heavily plucked 90s eyebrows won't grow but that chin hair is multiplying like weeds.
gonna be health conscious today and eat a salad but it's potato salad but it's loaded cheese fries with ranch dressing
Of the 7 deadly sins which is your fave?!
Once while at summer camp, I went two full weeks without washing my hair. I was on the staff.
I'm only telling you this so that in comparison, it seems like my standards have improved, but also so you know I can get down and dirty.
I have in-laws that are:
and a Home repairman
With 1 sibling unmarried, I need to talk him into finding a nice dentist to marry.
Holidays on laughing gas would be so much better.
I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair
Is getting better looking a side effect of the vaccine or is it just me?
If you think you’re a Jim, you’re probably a Michael. If you think you’re a Michael, you’re definitely a Dwight
I texted queef instead of queen and now I must flee to Poland to live under an assumed identity
good morning, specifically to people who use their turn signals
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Sex so good you fall asleep in the middle of it
My mom keeps saying Captain Marbles instead of Captain Marvel, and I can't tell if she's serious or not
When monkeys sleep they are just catching some chimpanzees
Wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair and twice since morning I’ve put it on my nose thinking they’re my reading glasses