.:RiotGrl:.

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I’m so taken, my inner voice sounds like Liam Neeson
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Don’t threaten me with your positivity
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You wouldn’t hit a man who can barely finish a 6 inch sub would you?
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What the fuck did I do to deserve Buick ads?
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You know it’s high time to vacuum the house when there is a visible amount of your long hair sticking out of Fido’s ass
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[the world has ended. Keith Richards walks the barren wasteland, surveying all that is left. In the distance he notices a lone figure carrying what can only be described as Excalibur] Keith: oi! Who goes there?? Betty White: you knew it would come to this, Keith. Now, draw...
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I don't use glory holes - I'm agnostic
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gaston: will you date me? belle: no gaston: can I sing all the reasons why you're wrong
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ever walk up to a urinal and it looks like a god damn pube grenade exploded? wtf bruh trim your shit
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I dunno, Joe Biden doesn't seem all that sleepy to me. Billie Eilish on the other hand...
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You thought you had me pegged, but I was on my knees with my ass out, anyway.
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Cleaned out the shower drain and found enough hair for a whole nother bush
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Hera: You have a bald spot. Zeus: *looks at Athena* I wonder why. Athena: What?! That was 30 years ago. Stop blaming me!
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So a glory hole has nothing to do with religious ceremonies?
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People in movies always have that french bread stick in their grocery bag, but then they make a sandwich with regular slices, BUT WHEN DID THEY BUY IT?
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With the amount of hair I shed I’m surprised I haven’t been implicated in a crime I didn’t commit.
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Who called it a salad with chicken and not breast in plants?
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Truly loving yourself is never settling for anything less than you deserve ever again.
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I'm 86% perfect. But that 14% is so fucked.
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It’s only when you accidentally shave off a patch of hair from your head, that you realize that Time is the best healer.
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Me: I just saw a robbery at the barbers Friend: Did you get a good look? Me: *Twirling hair in fingers* I don't know, what do you think?
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Gardetto’s is just Chex Mix for fancy people
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When life gives you lemons ask why how you ended up hog tied in a Florida orchard
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Nor Shia LaBeouf til like after he made Holes.
godzilla vs kong vs long boi
Buffalo Bill didn’t look all that buff to me.
Pickle Rick lights a joint with a Pickle Bic it’s absolutely just science.
i beat the first tomb raider pc game without cheats what more clout do you need.
Ladies, the open-ended pocket in the crotch of your bathing suit is so the jellyfish can escape
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my fupa remembers when camel toe wasn’t cool
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Fuck it man life is too short, Im gonna start keeping spare batteries in my butt hole YOLO
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You know you're getting old when your heavily plucked 90s eyebrows won't grow but that chin hair is multiplying like weeds.
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gonna be health conscious today and eat a salad but it's potato salad but it's loaded cheese fries with ranch dressing
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Once while at summer camp, I went two full weeks without washing my hair. I was on the staff. I'm only telling you this so that in comparison, it seems like my standards have improved, but also so you know I can get down and dirty.
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I have in-laws that are: Doctors Mechanic Hairstylist and a Home repairman With 1 sibling unmarried, I need to talk him into finding a nice dentist to marry. Holidays on laughing gas would be so much better.
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I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair
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Is getting better looking a side effect of the vaccine or is it just me?
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If you think you’re a Jim, you’re probably a Michael. If you think you’re a Michael, you’re definitely a Dwight
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I texted queef instead of queen and now I must flee to Poland to live under an assumed identity
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good morning, specifically to people who use their turn signals
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply: Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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Sex so good you fall asleep in the middle of it
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My mom keeps saying Captain Marbles instead of Captain Marvel, and I can't tell if she's serious or not
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When monkeys sleep they are just catching some chimpanzees
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Wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair and twice since morning I’ve put it on my nose thinking they’re my reading glasses
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