Heather B. Armstrong

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An inglorious, calcified chunk of feces filled with partially digested Cheetos dipped in ranch dressing. The prototype of an adamant and resolute turd shaped in the exact form of a horned beast, stuck halfway in, halfway out. 🙏�twitter.com/glennbeck/stat…ef
I think I'm going to start reading twitter again. Yeah. Just watched this for a third time. twitter.com/avalonpenrose/…
I just stocked my library of “what to read” for the entire year because of this. twitter.com/shannonrwatts/…
Just posted a photo @ Salt Lake City, Utah instagram.com/p/CJWUn4fB3bI/…
I signed into twitter specifically to share this with the world. I am on the floor. Can't breathe. My side hurts. The sound coming from my mouth is waking the dead. I am dead. Still can't breathe. twitter.com/PIasmaAdam/sta…
Black women really did just get the first Black woman Vice President elected.
Retweeted by Heather B. Armstrong
When my family would watch General Conference in the 90s whenever someone started talking about how the woman’s place is in the home my very devout Mormon mother would rapidly snap her fingers and shout “kids, we don’t believe this part!”
Retweeted by Heather B. Armstrong
Tomorrow night. 4/28. 5PM MDT. Quarantine Cocktail Hour. This is TARGET. I say the word, hold my flat palm out up above Bergdaggry Fugledamptromle Raskaldatter, or to the side, or down. The moment she touches my palm with her nose she gets a treat and a “GUT!” She’s very gut.
To Scott: First friends with my brother, then a crush on my older sister. I never let you forget about that when I first met you in LA. A million miles away from Bartlett, TN. I loved you so much. You were pivotal in my life. Every note here is for you. youtu.be/FTyfgsAuUKY
Oh, and we just experienced another earthquake. Just now. A 4.2. Everything is fine. Totally fine. The kids are hysterical. Totally fine. twitter.com/dooce/status/1…
Can someone at @slcschools explain how our children are supposed to concentrate on convoluted online homework— using software even most teachers don't understand — when their mental health during this crisis is causing hourly panic attacks. This is fucking bullshit.
Hey, @el_manels, someone keeps Man Linking me but I can't understand what he's trying to say about *anything* because I don't speak Privileged White Dude Quarantined in Tighty Whities. What to do.
“Let us vent every moronic thought that has entered our spiral of Things That Will Go Wrong (we are really good at this). And don’t come back with, “Well, that’s productive!” Because, guess what. We have a trunk. And a lock. And we know how to use them.” dooce.com/2020/04/13/lov…
Gifting my mother on her 75th birthday a playlist. SOCIAL DISTANCING! So far, songs by: @AWVFTS @JohannJohannss @Jon_Hopkins_ @nilsfrahm @DustinOHalloran @apparatofficial Taking all recs. Yes, she's 75 but she can fucken kick. Orchestral, moving, emotional. MAKE HER WEEP.
If the power goes out we’re going to use Birgagurgle’s ears as antenna to find a radio signal. 📻H
Hello, again, those of you alone in quarantine or those who cannot sleep! How about a picture of my pupper-derp-gurgle perching herself into her toy basket. She turns 9wks old on Fri and was looking for a bone she’d thrown over her head behind her BECAUSE SHE IS ON CRACK.
And behold, God said to the animals, “Save these shitty humans.” And, lo. twitter.com/naturelslit/st…
Tonight I'm hosting a virtual cocktail hour with a very special guest: Furbergagurgle. Tonight. 5PM MDT. Theme: Marlo Couture. We are celebrating wild, confusing, and extraordinary style. I will send out the Google Meet link 10 minutes before. Any and all welcome. 🍸🎉D9e
For those of you who are alone in quarantine or anyone else who needs it tonight as so many of us can’t sleep, here is a picture of my 8-wk-old Australian Shepherd / Husky recue pup. In a bowl. She put herself into a bowl on the floor in the kitchen. Life is beautiful.
INTRODUCING: Chief Technology Officer Margrethe Josephine Birget Kierkegaard Rask Also known as "Bergdorf Good Dog" dooce.com/2020/03/30/int…
To join the video meeting, click this link: meet.google.com/puu-vzrj-dnp
Join us in 15 minutes with Angela Dunn, MD, MPH., State Epidemiologist at Utah Department of Health for a discussion about ALL THAT IS GOING DOWN with me ( @dooce ) Kelly Hurst ( @moch ) and Kemia Sarraf ( @DrKemia ) at 4:30 MDT. Link will be posted at 4:20 PM MDT.
Join Angela Dunn, MD, MPH., State Epidemiologist at Utah Department of Health for a discussion about ALL THAT IS GOING DOWN with me ( @dooce ) Kelly Hurst ( @mochamomma ) and Kemia Sarraf ( drkemia ) at 4:30… instagram.com/p/B-IdnK-Bo0Y/…
Genuine question, please do answer: Should I have called an Uber? A taxi? My 75-year-old mother? I was shaken and in no condition to drive a car. At all. The county wanted me tested. At a testing site. What to do. What to do. twitter.com/bunniferated/s…
. @pashdown who tested positive for COVID-19 will be moderating participants and making sure everyone behaves. Please be kind to one another during this time. I know a lot of us feel like we’re wandering around in the dark. I know Dr. Dunn can shed some light.
What are you most concerned about? What do you most want to understand? What is your biggest fear? I’ll post the link at 4:20PM MDT tomorrow for those who want to join.
According to someone who works with her: “She is basically THE badass woman in charge of Utah’s COVID response. And personally, I think having a woman in charge of the medical component is one reason we are being more proactive than most Republican-run states.”
Thread: I'm interviewing Angela Dunn, MD, MPH. State Epidemiologist at Utah Department of Health tomorrow March 24th at 4:30 PM MDT on Google Meet. It's limited to 100 participants, but I will record it and put it on YouTube. I'm fielding questions now.
You deserve the signal boost for being such a total raging asshole. May you never have to endure this. twitter.com/jenallday/stat…
Much love to you and I hope you and all your loved ones are safe. ❤️ Please forgive me for being terrified and trying to find humor to lift myself and the five other people in my home. I didn’t even know he had started filming and he drove me because I was trembling. twitter.com/jenallday/stat…
Apparently there’s a pride of hungry lions eating everyone in the town centre. But I’m going down there anyway, no one’s telling me I can’t live my normal life. Anyway if I stay home, the lions have won.
Retweeted by Heather B. Armstrong
I’m glad you asked and that the person included in your thread won’t allow me to see their tweets. Truly heroic. There was pestilence and blood and people had to work as their faces melted onto their keyboards. But, we survived and found communities and loved each other. twitter.com/dramarty/statu…
Here is what’s left after five different googled solutions: twitter.com/snarkylou/stat…
Come here and let me lick my hand and rub it on your face. You ready for that? Let's do this. twitter.com/PatriciasBooks…
Hi! I need your help. A quarantined child spilled vibrant blue nail polish all over a nylon rug and every single solution I've read about on the Internet is not working. Does anyone possess magical family secrets? 🙏
My boyfriend @pashdown tested positive for COVID-19. My test came back negative but I am certain I gave it to him. My experience with a video of the test included here: dooce.com/2020/03/19/my-… There is so much we do not know about this virus. Please be safe. ❤️
Yesterday we had tears and Southern accents GONE WILD @QuarantineBook club. Today? At 3PM PDT join @lesbrains for what I know will be a riveting discussion about her true crime memoir *Mean*. All I know is that going into this quarantine (and EARTHQUAKE), I want her on my team. twitter.com/lesbrains/stat…
As someone who only recently fell in love with cooking, this may very well be one of my favorite tweets ever. twitter.com/chezspence/sta…
I attended @dooce's Quarantine Book Club today and @monteiro is a great host and it was a really special hour and I would be so honored if you'd hop on video chat with me this Saturday at 5pm EST because wow what an act to follow up. eventbrite.com/e/quarantine-b…
Retweeted by Heather B. Armstrong
I was holding this knife when a 4.6 aftershock hit. Yesterday we had a delicious Quarantine Breakfast. Today it’s Earthquake Lunch!
Good morning! Hope everyone is safe and healthy. @QuarantineBook starts its broadcast day in two hours with the amazing @dooce, who now has an earthquake to talk about in addition to EVERYTHING ELSE. eventbrite.com/e/quarantine-b…
Retweeted by Heather B. Armstrong
YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! (credit to @aunematic)
THE KIDS ARE CONVINCED THIS IS THE APOCALYPSE twitter.com/monteiro/statu…
We just woke up to a 5.7 earthquake. Entire house was shaking, the bed moved across the room. We could hear things falling around us. 5.7. Three aftershocks already. What. Is. Happening.
This is tomorrow and not only is my mother The Avon World Sales Leader joining us, @monteiro is making me promise a nip slip. He's not serious BUT YOU KNOW ME. eventbrite.com/e/quarantine-b… twitter.com/monteiro/statu…
design friends: Looking for an interesting way to connect while sticking it out at home? Check out quarantinebookclub.com w/authors like @arjunbasu @mulegirl @michaelbierut @monteiro @dooce @movie_pundit
Retweeted by Heather B. Armstrong
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