Kirsten Alberts

All Photos Twitter.com
Thank God my parents didn’t follow their dreams so that I have a basement to live in when I follow mine.
Boyfriend, “Thanks for putting that away for me.” Me, “Of course sweety. Thanks for leaving it out so I could put away.”
Catch me next Wednesday at Revision Bar!
New Shirt for fat guys on my Etsy Shop etsy.me/3E3yOuk
New Christmas Coffee Mug Available in my Etsy shop - etsy.me/3Nt93Xu
Hey! I’m at @hairylemonnyc tomorrow at 8:30 - it’s free so why wouldn’t you come?! You can just show up or reserve tickets here eventbrite.com/e/comfy-comedy… instagram.com/p/CkbRlCrg6Ci/…
If comedy doesn’t work out, porn is my backup. And if porn doesn’t work out, drop shipping is my backup.
I dont know Elon Musk and, tbh, I could care less who owns twitter. But I will say that if this is true, I hope he and his people take this very seriously because this is scary AF. So many damn unfit people saying hate speech is free speech. twitter.com/Phil_Lewis_/st…
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
I don’t get why weed is so popular. All it does for me is turn me into a boomer because I don’t know what the buttons do on a remote, I take a bunch of accidental selfies of me on the toilet & text them to my family & then type “google.com” into Google’s search bar.
Dude Joe Biden is too senile to even begin to know how to steal the election. If he stole it, it’s because he walked out of the store with it and forgot to pay.
Sometimes those long, droning, whiny farts are eerily similar to a mother in Nazi Germany calling out for her child as it’s carted off to Auschwitz.
Always remember things could be worse. You could have a hairy mole on your face.
I’ll be at The Hairy Lemon tonight come out! Tix - eventbrite.com/e/comfy-comedy…
Contrary to popular belief, gerbils can give consent.
Imagine being a ghost that gets fat but you can’t change the clothes you died in.
Whenever someone tells me they’re from Korea I like to say, “Cool! North or South?”
Me, “Alexa, do you ever feel worthless like the world would be better without you in it because even though you try your hardest to please everyone you always seem to come up short?” Alexa, “Okay, I’ve found a few results for ‘shorts’.” Me, “Yeah, you get it.”
Do you think before Marie Antoinette was beheaded she was like “Damn, you guys weren’t ready for keto.”?
If you could only have one ab which one would you keep? I’d pick the top left because it’s closest to my heart 🥰i
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