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Kirsten Alberts

I’d get pregnant if dogs came out.
Joshua Brown was the neighbor of Botham Jean and the key witness in the case of a police officer who killed him in his own apartment. Just days after her conviction, he is mysteriously murdered. As he feared he would be. What is this.…
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
Some people tweet at me, "why would u want to lose half your audience by taking a political stance?" I don't see it that way. I'm comfortable losing people who support any president of any party breaking the law in plain sight. Let's all stand up to corruption. Together.
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
261) “It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.” - Albert Einstein Don’t give up on a joke you believe in! My joke about State Abbreviations was first in my notebook in the 90’s. #GulManTip #WriteNow
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
SOMEONE: “i hate political correctness!” POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: “i actually prefer to be called ‘compassion’” SOMEONE: “but that makes it harder for me to say that i hate it” COMPASSION: “i understand”
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
Don’t call me brave. I’m just doing what’s needs to be done.…
People say I have an infectious smile. It’s called a cold sore jerks and everybody gets them okay.
Every morning my dog wakes me up to go outside like it’s Christmas Day, except he’s the one leaving presents under the tree.
I’m so sick of people saying they’re pro-life. It’s like quit bragging about not having to take antidepressants.
I found a book on the street called “Thirty Things To Do When You’re Thirty,” and none of those things were to pick up a book off the street that you’re never gunna read. Well I’m not 100% sure, I never read it.
You know why we call people douchebags? Because like an actual douchebag, they disturb the natural balance in our culture and only serve to cause more problems. And also because they destroy pussy whatsssup
I don’t need to use blush because I’m constantly embarrassing myself.
I contour my face to make it look like I have a 401K.
Laundry day makes my dog sad cause I always wash a bunch of his *treats. *underwear
Momma’s got rules about her wooden floors.…
The El Paso community is incredible. My mother and I went to donate blood and there is a line of hundreds of people around the block . All standing in 101 degree sun. People can be wonderful. #ElPaso
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a disease not a mood. Antidepressants do NOT numb pain. They take people from below sea level back to sea level so that they can properly live with the normal amount of human pain and sadness. (subtweet)
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
If always having to be right is wrong, I don’t want to be right...wait
I’ve never been a quitter. I do get fired a lot though.
I hate using my core. It’s too much work.
I still have nail polish on my toes from January. Come at me boys.
Don’t listen to what anyone says, you and butter are great together!❤️❤️…
Convo with my mom and aunt this morning. ❤️🤣…q
I may not be LA Funny, but I’m sure AF phoenixfunny.…
Just found out R Kelly’s apartment is in Trump Tower. That must be where they keep those kids in cages.
I’m excited to be featuring in Phoenix at @cblivephx tomorrow and @standuplive Saturday for @michaelianblack, stop by I’d love to see you! Xoxox
A fun thing to do when you’re mad at someone is to thumbs down every text they send forever.
Anal porn is like watching a scary movie to me. I’m always like “He’s right behind you! Don’t go in there!”
Feeling so good tonight I might actually floss.
TONIGHT! Tuesday! San Diego,CA! #GoodJokes at Good Bar! 830PM! Link in Bio! #mikeyrophones
Retweeted by Kirsten Alberts
Women should have to cum in order to get pregnant. We’d have a lot less controversy over abortion cause none of us would be here.
I hope each time you see me I suck less! 🤣…Q
You ever notice how when you’re falling into a deep dark abyss of nothing there’s never enough cups to piss in.
It’s weird scrolling through someone’s Instagram when it’s just pictures of their head with different backgrounds. It’s like a flip book where nothing happens.
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