Kirsten Alberts

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Opinions are like assholes: they change over time.
Dude heroine addicts: Fuckin just pound 3 drinks and eat some peanut butter -- same effect and much healthier
I would fuck all the incels and save America from school shootings, but even they could do better.
Laxatives: the gift that keeps on giving.
Looks like David Hassehoff’s off the wagon again.
Assume: when you ass me and you together
It’s only gross if your dog doesn’t want to do it.
In junior high I got spit on by bullies which explains why I’m such a sexual deviant.
Me to my Ukrainian friend, “My life is worse than yours.” Her, “What state are you from?” -“Illinois.” -“Yeah. No war can compare to that.”
One thing I was never called in high school was a whore. And that’s cause I was fat and ugly.
Life hack! Make everything a priority!
Just saw a 10-year-old boy drop his ice cream cone on the sand and as he walked it to the trash all sad his sister yells, “walk of shame!” First of all, that boy is way too young to be having sex. Second of all, good for her.
Me when I’m experiencing euphoria from sour patch kids and then putting my hand in the empty bag without realizing the one in my mouth was the last one.
Me after I just gave the best bj
Will Smith is gunna kill me.
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