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"There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN."

What the world Needs now Is Nickelback Sweet Nickelback.
The thing to understand about #Facebook ads is: Facebook will charge you whenever it wants. Its stated policies on this are flat-out lies. It charges you what it thinks you owe it, whenever it feels like it, and it will put you into recursive support Hell if you challenge it.
Every ghost that thought it would haunt my head Has found me haunting it, Instead.
If a song tells you to dance like there's no tomorrow, ask yourself: "Who TOLD them?"
Me: I FINALLY FINISHED MY SECOND NOVEL! TIME TO RELAX! Me, ten minutes later: "So, you start work on whatever story you're going to post tonight yet?"
IT'S DONE! IT'S DONE! MY NEW NOVEL, "I DESPISE YOUR PROPHECY" IS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you ever have the unsettling feeling that your subconscious mind knows where you sleep?
Go ahead. Buy this satirical, often dark, sometimes peculiar collection of short stories. A Dark Lord's gotta eat and I'm outta Elves. amazon.com/Hate-Your-Time…
Pro tip: first thing you do, right after you wake up, you eat the Sun. Then there's no day, and you can go back to bed.
"And I covered my face with my hideous hands." -Mark Baldridge, untitled manuscript
Can someone point me to the originator of the phrase #Doomscrolling? It's a perfect depiction of the-thing-I-wanted-to-warn-people-about-that-didn't-have-a-name, and WHOEVER the creator of this idea is, even if they're my worst enemy, I want to buy them a drink.
Remember: Google once had the actual motto "Don't be evil." In 2015, it changed this to "Do the right thing". In late March/early April of 2018, it documentably removed any form of "Don't be evil" from its mission statement and company policies. I am not making this up.
2. I'm also a Dark Lord. IF THERE'S GOING TO BE MIND MANIPULATION GOING ON AROUND HERE, *I* WANT TO BE THE ONE DOING IT. I WILL *NOT* LET WORLD DOMINATION BE OUTSOURCED TO ROBOTS. THE ROBOT REVOLUTION IS NOT SCHEDULED UNTIL 2021. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, PEOPLE!
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2. I'm also a Dark Lord. IF THERE'S GOING TO BE MIND MANIPULATION GOING ON AROUND HERE, *I* WANT TO BE THE ONE DOING IT. I WILL *NOT* LET WORLD DOMINATION BE OUTSOURCED TO ROBOTS. THE ROBOT REVOLUTION IS NOT SCHEDULED UNTIL 2021. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, PEOPLE!
I say this to you as: 1. A marketing professional who has made social media a large part of my profession for 15 years. This isn't a conspiracy theory. It's just how social media works; feel free to ask me about it if you'd like. It doesn't need to be intentional to be hurtful.
Hello! If you're reading this on social media, give yourself permission to remember that social media algorithms are built to intensify emotions and broadcast performative behavior. Life is hard; but social media makes things look more bleak than they are. Don't despair.
Good heavens. We have sold 249 copies of the "Diary of a Dark Lord" audiobook! Thank you, @JordanTheReader! Who's going to be lucky number 250? audible.com/pd/There-and-N…
@darklordjournal Just be sure it says "She Thought It Was A Good Idea At The Time" on my headstone, ok Boss?
Retweeted by "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN."
Don't be so sure you're "nobody's fool". You might be your OWN fool.
You should meddle in the affairs of Dark Lords, at least to the extent of buying their damn books.
And you might as well meddle in the affairs of Orcs. They only outnumber us by, what, 30 billion? (There's a LOT of green monsters in this here hollow Earth.)
My origin story is not a freak accident. It's no accident that I'm a freak.
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Go ahead. Meddle in the affairs of Dragons. What do *I* care if you get eaten?
....or a $20 gift certificate. Good grief. THANK YOU, benefactor-who-wishes-not-to-be-named!
A Wizard can turn 'round on a dime--as long as it's someone else's dime.
Go ahead. Buy the book before the sequel comes out. This is nearly your last chance! amazon.com/dp/1499905807
"Adventure is just bad planning." -Roald Amundsen
55,817 words. What I need now is a $10 Grubhub gift certificate so I don't have to cook, and abou ten new follows so I don't have to worry about daily follows, and then I can finish. this. book. Like...now.
I'm going to make it through this year if it kills you.
Who would like to be tagged in a lying poem tonight?
Being a Dark Lord is like being a Pirate King; you don’t want utter disrespect, unless you enjoy a healthy serving of mutiny with your morning rum…but you also don’t want spineless obedience, unless you want your troops to crumple the day they meet a well-disciplined enemy.
In sufficient quantities, Madness is kind. Madness is loving. Madness overflows; its cup runneth over, its pitcher runneth over, its ocean runneth over, crashing in vast Cyclopean waves on the shores of the mind, offering to engulf you and everything around you.
“Some will fight, and some will fall, To save a flag or defend a wall, Why am I prone? If I recall: I bravely drank all the alcohol.” -The Battle-Cry of the Hobbits
I tried to make a Faustian bargain, but I couldn't hit the high notes.
"This is the poem that doesn’t rhyme, the poem that rhymes zero parts of the time, not even a poem, just some words that chime, but never with rhythm, with meter, with rhyme, no rhythm, no meter, and no keeping time..." jeffmachwrites.com/lying-poem/ @xxdspence49 @ZakMeow @imipak
PRO TIP: If you are looking for convenient food, remember that most Wizards come with their own toothpicks.
The only thing faster than the speed of light is the rapidity with which unbreakable encryption systems are hacked in spy movies.
I love, love, love my fans. "Allan Craig 5.0 out of 5 stars I traveled through time to write this review Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2020 Jeff Machs is the Neil Gaiman of Terry Pratchetts." (It's a real, but satirical, review referencing a 'real' review.)
My favorite answer so far is "Jeff Mach is the Terry Pratchett of Neil Gaimans" - Allan Craig
Every Grudge you bear is a weight. Every weight you bear makes you stronger. Therefore, if you have been deeply wronged, you have the opportunity to become very strong.
I can't promise you peace; I can't promise you forgiveness; I can promise, at best, to forget you. But that doesn't really matter; the scars across my heart know your name, and they speak it, late at night, in darkling chants, calling to the dead things of the world.
Kindly complete this sentence: "The Dark Lord Jeff Mach is..."
STOP DIVIDING PEOPLE and START just EATING THE BITS YOU ALREADY HAVE.
Today, in small things, your book purchases bought the cleanser that fixed my sink, and the food I didn't have time to prepare, and I just hit 50,000 words in the novel, and YOU made that happen. Thank you.
The more people who join my Patreon, the faster I can take over the wo-- --the faster I can finish this novel. And THEN take over the world. Patreon.com/jeffmach
Want a copy of my new book, "I Hate Your Time Machine", but can't afford it? DM me. I'll give you one. Free. No catch. Feel free to RT.
It was a typical late Saturday night in Hobbitville. Beer flowed, blood spilled, beer spilled, blood flowed, and the air was full of the sound of merry jigs, reels, gavottes, catchflies, tangos, bastinados, and the occasional waltz.
 
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