As a note:
There's a lady who's sure
all that glitters is gold,
and now she's not allowed
into any Michael's Craft Stores.
The secret to happiness is to just keep a positive attitude, treat all of life like a journey, eat ice cream sometimes, and make sure all of your friends, family, and colleagues follow my tweets because of the subliminally-inserted dopamine rush in every one.
PROTAGONIST: Oh! I do not know what to do! I love both of you!
AUDIENCE: So love both of them!
PROTAGONIST: But I must choose one!
AUDIENCE: You must?
PROTAGONIST: I cannot love two people!
AUDIENCE: But you JUST SAID YOU ALREADY DO, dammit!
Yes, it is I, the Dark Lord, the Abomination, the one who yells at you to put a jacket on OVER YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME because it's cold outside. All they see are your bright orange pantaloons and a piece of the face mask, and the'll have to guess from there.
I don't have an absinthe problem. I drink absinthe, I fall upwards, I get stuck on the ceiling - no problem!
I hit you with an egg
on a hot summer night."
is The One About The Speakeasy.
You may get a wee feel for my thoughts on hipsters.
Google has suggested that I "learn about their new terms of service". It's presented as a brief page...containing a series of nested hyperlinks. So far, by my estimate, their ToS is over 20,000 words. And I'm not done yet.
Sure, Google. We can all 'learn' this.
On a particularly dark day, I might even a espouse french fries.
This is just 1 0f 3 of my books, links below
Among Us, A Normal Child
The Book, The Quest To Save Existence
Check 'em out. ; ) twitter.com/bawoldridge/st…
Although it is reasonable to say that normal people tend to fear me.
I don't fear 'normal' people; there aren't any. But I worry about people who WANT to be 'normal'; if they lie that hard to themselves, how much will they lie to the rest of us?
Well, THAT'S a weird story. I cannot imagine anyone but me liking this thing, but I'm gonna post it later anyway.
No matter what, never lose Hope. It is the single most irreplaceable, quintessentially necessary aspect of the human spirit. So never, ever, EVER lose--
What's WRONG with you?
...have you checked the sofa cushions?
Never mind. Give up.
"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided."
Hm. Which story should I try to post tonight - the Speakeasy one, the Angry Druid one, or the Barbarian's Son one?
And regardless, do you want to be tagged when I put it up?
What's your favorite thing about being an unquestioned evil despot?
For the record, if you want to read my tweets properly, you should play Tomoyasu Hotei's "Battle Without Honor Or Humanity" faintly, but distinctly, in the background, slowly increasing the volume until, at the end, the tweet explodes.
Foes fear my rapier-like wit and my wit-like rapier.
There are none so blind as those who will not see, although those who have looked upon your unspeakable Visage and torn out their own eyes or a pretty close second.
Would you mind pretending this is something dark and witty, and retweeting the heck out of it? I would like to be famous, but I'm very tired right now.
I find it unbelievable and frankly disgusting that even now, even in 2020, when we really should know better, a proven 94% of all tweets with percentages in them are lying to you.
"The crops are only so-so, the peasantry exceptionally surly, and this castle is draftier than most. Why not let her fight the dragon?"
Make myself a monster. The journey is half the fun.
Would you rather be born a monster, or make yourself into a monster?
I thought I was dressed impeccably; but I underestimated how hard certain people peck.
It may be better to die on your feet than live on your knees, but personally, I chose to live by stomping the feet of those who want me to kneel.
If you want others to change their behavior, quit standing on the roof shouting about your own virtues. Eventually, all the people who disagree with you will just start listening to better roofs.
Aw! It's #LoveYourPetDay
"THE DARK LORD'S CASTLE IS FILLED WITH ALL MANNER OF GEMS, JEWELS, MAGICAL ITEMS, AND RARE ARTIFACTS."
There. Tonight, my pets will eat well. <3
is a small meditation on improperly prepared princesses.
I'll leave it to you to guess whether I mean "untrained" or "insufficiently marinated".
Holler if you want to be notified when it hits Reality.
Life is full of hard battles. But don't let your inner demons get you down.
Let MY inner demons get you down. They'll enjoy it way more.
To reiterate, my pronouns are:
[unspeakable horror from beyond human comprehension of time and space] / [unspeakable horror from beyond human comprehension of time and space]
What Villains ought I follow next?
One Apocalypse, small fries, bottle of precious water, extra cheese, please.
What's more romantic than a cemetary?
If you've ever wondered what I look like, wonder no more.
Uh-oh. I appear to have fallen into the rabbithole of "No Country For Old Men" explainer videos.
Granted...I STILL seem to be the only person who thought that film was a comedy.
I'm really enjoying my adventure in the West Village. My friend took me to a lovely little cafe called Wendy's, where they serve pieces of meat between large lumps of what appeared to be something similar to bread.
*ominous music intensifies*
Can a single heroic being defeat the combined forces of Evil?
It's in all the books.
PLEASE keep throwing VERY SMALL NUMBERS OF HEROES at our ENTIRE ARMY.
It totally always works.
We TOTALLY don't blow them to bits and then LIE about it.
The greater the villain, the more foolish the foe.
Dark Lords do not live by bones alone. Every once in a while, it's also nice to drink a little blood for variety.
1. Marlowe wrote all of Shakespeare's plays.
2. Bacon wrote all of Marlowe's plays.
3. Shakespeare writes all the tweets for this account, which is why they're all in iambic pentameter.
I knew that some thing was in store
that might even lead to a war
t'weren't as bad as I'd thunk
just a cool #villainpunk
had meandered his way from Mordor