daniel tosh

All Photos Twitter.com 8 hours ago
new shows added to my world tour! “the big 3” san antonio, huntsville, and chattanooga!! tickets on sale now, password tosh!!! bit.ly/3B28UCT
as a floridian it’s hard to understand why they don’t want to close the state for good. it’s just empty strip malls with sad chain restaurants where sweaty people order blackened mahi-mahi sandwiches.
as a floridian my only childhood dream was to get the fuck out.
world tour presale starts now! shows in reno and temecula only!!! password - tosh bit.ly/3BJzL89
vegas reopening isn’t official until i take the stage! tickets on sale now! bit.ly/3wyBGcJ
new shows added to “the mgm properties las vegas strip tour.” (working title) see you this summer! tickets on sale now!! bit.ly/3wEu1ci
i’m heading home to vegas!! tickets on sale now and please continue to respect my decision to not be breathed on. bit.ly/3w7BWyw
Think Trump is leaving tomorrow? Think again. Facebook and YouTube STILL show THOUSANDS of Trump posts & videos with his election lies and calls to "fight!" RT & tell @Facebook @YouTube: On January 20th, remove Trump from your platforms, PERMANENTLY! #BanTrumpSaveDemocracy
Retweeted by daniel tosh
hire mexico to wall in florida!!! #inaugurationday
abortions for everyone!!!! pack the courts!!!! ban hats with words!!!!
big week for #billsmafia, first the u.s. capital, and now a playoff game!!
as appealing as murdering your family might sound, stay home and postmate yourself a turkey sandwich! #tosh bit.ly/2J8TGqk
do you love masked-based reality shows but don't quite get nick cannon? then look no further than tonight's new #tosh! bit.ly/3l3oyWv
on tonight's new #tosh, i uncover how us a-listers are taking your money. #celebritysidehustles bit.ly/38TERTg
on tonight’s new #tosh, i review the state of hip-hop with the realest and reddest 12-year-old in the game. bit.ly/3kDXj4E
remember to get out there and vote today, kids. and when you’re back home, there will be a nice new #tosh ‘sode waiting for you as a reward. #democracy
if you’re looking for something to distract you from the fact that our democracy is coming apart at the seams, perhaps i can interest you in this IT guy who dresses like a cat on tonight’s new #tosh bit.ly/38v8A4T
if i know my audience, you’re probably hankering for a panel full of pundits to discuss the election results. well, hanker no more. new #tosh tonight! bit.ly/3ng3GMX
no new #tosh tonight. feel free to devote yourselves 100% to panic and dread.
trick or treating is canceled so i’ll be your eye candy on tonight’s new #tosh. and if you dm me your address, i’ll personally mail you a mr. goodbar i’ve injected with horse laxatives. happy ‘ween!
it’s the last new #tosh before the election and i’m still undecided on seat 3 of the LA community college board
on tonight’s new #tosh i prove the human body is 70% water and 30% miscellaneous foreign objects. #whatsinyourbody bit.ly/3mmNwky
watch tonight’s #tosh as i become the new celebrity spokesman for a dying chain of roast beef restaurants. RAX! bit.ly/35HE6JR
lock the kids in their rooms and get to know yucca valley’s biggest, horniest pop star. pitchfork gave him a 6.9 out of 10. on tonight’s new #tosh! #popstarnima bit.ly/31shxaF
i pay more in taxes than most trump voters make in ten lifetimes, so my opinions count more. #CoastalEliteTweet
just remember the electoral college was set up so low-income states can feel better about their big back yards that nobody wants to visit. #CoastalEliteTweet
you unemployed idiots aren’t owning the libs on twitter. you’re slightly annoying the teams of assistants we pay to run our twitter accounts. #CoastalEliteTweet
i know the evangelicals don’t care about trump’s tax returns, but are you interested in his tithing record? 10% or you don’t get into heaven! #CoastalEliteTweet
the best part of a trump presidency is not feeling bad about cutting off financial support to all my unsuccessful christian family members. #CoastalEliteTweet
one of the biggest reasons i want trump out is because he makes it embarrassing to admit i’m american during my extensive travels abroad. #CoastalEliteTweet
before you criticize, remember that liberal celebrities are responsible for every good thing you’ve ever watched. #CoastalEliteTweet
i get that you think trump is the best president, but you also think the cheesecake factory is the best restaurant, so your vote shouldn’t count. #CoastalEliteTweet
my attractive rich friends and i are trying to pay for your diabetes medication. just shut up and let it happen, you ignorant dipshits!! #CoastalEliteTweet
republicans love it when us attractive hollywood types lose our minds over trump, but remember that only lasts about 30 minutes a day and then we go back to our much better lives. but enjoy driving around honking, you simpletons. #CoastalEliteTweet
complain all you want about us a-list celebs cramming our political opinions down your throat, but we only do it because we’re so much better, smarter, thinner and more attractive than you. #CoastalEliteTweet
did you know it only costs $500,000 in real estate to get a european passport? the tough decision is french countryside or the coast of spain? or do what i did and choose both! #CoastalEliteTweet
if you hear us celebrities say we’re leaving the country if trump wins, it just means we will be using one of our european investment properties more often. #CoastalEliteTweet
the senate has passed tonight’s all new #tosh 99 to 1. (susan collins was pooping)
i’m happy to announce that on tonight’s new #tosh, i will restore balance to our troubled nation by abusing a privileged white male. bit.ly/3jWXGrt
so fun to watch this team! thanks to the #heat for sacrificing so much for our enjoyment. 3 months in orlando is literal torture!! twitter.com/mickyarison/st…
be afraid of tonight’s new #tosh. let it dominate your life. bit.ly/2GM7FRt
with millions of americans out of work, there’s never been a better time to feature a grown man who eats cat food on tonight’s new #tosh bit.ly/2HUnpCy
only a moron needs to watch the debate to know whom to vote for. be smart and watch tonight’s new #tosh instead. we got sexy plant puns! #whom bit.ly/2S4ocCQ
imagine how much better our country would be if you had to have a professional sports team in your state to vote. new #tosh tonight!
on tonight’s new #tosh, 9 years after i ruined her life, i show you how much rebecca black has developed as an artist. #funfunfunfunfunfun bit.ly/3kzj1aj
here’s what an actual mean tv host has to say about ellen. new #tosh tonight!! bit.ly/3cjLOga
sadly, none of my covid tests have come back positive, so i’ve been medically cleared to host tonight’s season premiere in 30. still time to squeeze in a light jog or have sex 11 times. #tosh #seasonofmourning
the super sad #tosh premiere we shot back in march before the world went to shit airs tomorrow. you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll see pictures of your dead dogs. enjoy what many are calling tv’s most emotional moment ever. #seasonofmourning #castroisdead bit.ly/3htnVDS
after 12 years together, comedy central and i are consciously uncoupling. they get the cartoons, and i'm heading to any network with stronger wifi. #twelvemoreyears twitter.com/DEADLINE/statu…
eat your heart out, hulk hogan
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