Conan O'Brien

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And on Saturday the 14th, Jason rested.
Just had to tell my kids their inheritance is all Mr. Bean NFT’s.
Proof that there’s a just God: the Winklevoss twins are now only single-digit billionaires.
They just found some of my old monologues at the bottom of Lake Mead.
The takeaway from this fan interview: power tools are dangerous and chickens are assholes.
Was delighted to chat with @PFTompkins about his first time on my late night show, his John Wilkes Booth-inspired attire, and why it’s never too late to have a sex party.
All my wife wants for Mother’s Day is two years of alone time.
It's been an honor celebrating #CollegeSigningDay with @MichelleObama over the years. Wishing the best of luck to the class of 2022. @BetterMakeRoom @ReachHigher
I’m glad he went to medical school, because “Mr. Strange” lacks oomph.
Mother’s Day is Sunday, so only 4 days left until my last minute trip to Rite Aid.
Thinking of dying my hair neon pink after meeting my fan Melissa. Thoughts?
I adore John @mulaney but this conversation went off the rails quickly. Our apologies to The Muppets, Wheel of Fortune, and Julian Lennon.
I love Money Heist but damnit, when will someone make Monkey Heist?
Once again, I’ve waited to the last second to buy a Maypole.
My family has politely declined to be part of the Conan multiverse.
I’d like to remind NFL teams that I’m in decent shape and just cured my plantar fasciitis.
Just used a Theragun on my leg and it turned my hamstring into waffle batter.
Hear me listen in horror as a fan describes the process of "dog locking."
Hear about the various crimes a tutu-clad Molly Shannon committed as a child @
I’ve only been at #Coachella for a day and twice the crowd has tried to load me into a waiting ambulance.
Took my daughter to #Coachella and saw @phoebe_bridgers absolutely kill it last night. She's so talented, I'm rethinking my plan to become an indie rock star.
My interest rates have never been lower.
I’m not on Cameo, but for a small fee I will tweet your anti-government tirade.
It’s 4/20-- the day German troops surrendered at Leipzig in 1945 and US troops took control of the city. I’m high.
My fan Emma is thinking about naming her next bondage harness after “Kedakai" and I’ve never been happier.
Thrilled to finally have @StephenMerchant on the podcast. Hear us chat about #TheOffice, meeting our heroes, and being too tall for toilet stalls @
Happy Easter from a neighbor who’s too lazy to take down his decoration from Halloween.
Strange times—the Easter Bunny left me a basket of “adults-only” NFT’s.
Holy Saturday, Batman!
I’m relieved the paparazzi has never caught me shirtless working my core on the corner of Pico and Main for the next ten minutes.
Raising two teenagers is a tough job. Kudos to my assistant.
I saw Gilbert perform in 1985 and when he entered to applause he said, “Thank you, thank you very much.” He then continued to say “thank you” repeatedly for ten full minutes. It was the nerviest, funniest thing I had seen. So sorry to lose this sweet and delightfully funny man.
Chatted with a tarot reader who incorrectly believes I owe @sonamov an apology.
.@Nick_Offerman is a talented actor, writer, and craftsman. He’s also the first person I will find in the event of an apocalypse.
Sunday means going to brunch with old friends* *self-doubt and regret
I was surprised by all of the nice selfies, but not everyone was so excited to pose with me. Hope he’s recovered, @LaurenAnneWise.
Feeling down. Can everyone send me pictures of me?
Can I blame autocorrect for things like tax evasion?
My dog just informed me we’re acquaintances at best.
If Tiger Woods can play the Masters with a hurt leg, I can finish this crossword puzzle drunk.
Having a bad case of the Mondays through Sundays.
Can't wait to begin my songwriting partnership with @aimeemann. It'll be O'Brien-Mann and I'll take 70%.
It’s time we turned all award shows into sustainable farms.
An added benefit from taking psylocibin for my depression is the healing conversations I have with my room humidifier.
One of my writers, @skyler_higley, released a new comedy album and, just like him, it’s delightfully bizarre and undeniably hilarious. Check it out here:…
Sharing so I’m not the only one having nightmares about this girl mannequin.
Finally, Mac and Me has gotten some Oscar love. Congratulations, @questlove!…
My kids keep telling me I should get a second secret family.
I think I may be the first person ever to be "reverse catfished."
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