Just a Chloe
41,963 followers
...and then Satan said, "Only give them two days for the weekend."
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There are very few things in life that bring me more joy than watching my boyfriend, in his underpants, stir mac and cheese.
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I was disappointed to find out that the Kentucky derby isn't a hat full of bourbon.
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It only takes two things to make a woman completely happy and if someone could tell me what they are it would be great
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Iād invite you guys into my space but there is hair everywhere
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People can't stay calm about cannabis fiber because The Hemp Ire Strikes Back
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You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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My husband told me yesterday that we really need to start eating healthier and increase our physical activity. It's like he has no idea how hard it will be for me to find another husband.
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I started a foundation for kids who wake up before 6:00 am. We start pouring the concrete over them tomorrow.
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JUST IN: After extensive studies spanning over 40 years, MIT researchers are ready to announce that fat-bottomed girls, do in fact, make the rocking world go 'round
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I think my toddler is gaslighting me. She keeps telling me to āgo upstairs and workā and how much āI love to work.ā
Retweeted by Just a Chloe āI love you so much I will fuck you up if I have toā
- cats
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I overdid it yesterday, so I have to underdid it today.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe My Lawyer: Your honor my client is an idiot.
Judge: Thatās honestly a great point.
Me: Wow, ok rude.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe You should have got me while the gettinā was good, fellas.
Iāve begun the descent into becoming my mother. I pick food out of my teeth and grunt when I poop now.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe You canāt hurt me. Youāre not condiments on a cheeseburger I specifically ordered as āplain.ā
Retweeted by Just a Chloe My bankās collections department is particularly aggressive.
In retrospect, the name āChaseā may have been a red flag.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself
Retweeted by Just a Chloe My exās wet dreams were pretty much just about waterboarding me.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe If youāre waiting to find out why your BMI is so high, the weight is over.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Screw the patriarchy, from now on I'm calling everyone a fatherfucker.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe If youāre a little bit of a dickhead, Iām probably attracted to you
Retweeted by Just a Chloe The bravest thing I did was continue my life when I wanted to die.
- unknown
Retweeted by Just a Chloe These are my delusions, sir. Please get your own.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe My wife is complaining the house is cold again, so I might have to slice open a second Tauntaun
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I'm surprisingly ok with the large number of people I know who despise me.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kidās name.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe How Catholic is my mom? I asked her for help with my car insurance and she hung a rosary from the rear view mirror.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Iām too humble to have the audacity yet here I am having it.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe (pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didnāt they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:...or stay hydrated...or something like that.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe on your mark, get set, let it go
Retweeted by Just a Chloe If a man says he will fix something, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe PRIEST: you may kiss the bride
ME: *leans in toward her*
GROOM: *pushes me away* not you
Retweeted by Just a Chloe enamored, with the quiet.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Someone I hate was right about something.
~ a tragedy
Retweeted by Just a Chloe youāre her fabulous day at the beach
or youāre the sand in her vagina
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Get her some mozzarella sticks, you miserable piece of shit.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Make space for those who made space for you when you had nothing.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Her: Did you tell your doctor about your IBS?
Me: Oh, I did some shit talking
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I have the panties of a woman with many more grandkids.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Tweet like no one is reading because no one is reading.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe āThis is how we do itā by Montell Jordan is my favourite song about following YouTube tutorials.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe Watching your child practice the sport they love is great but so is taking a nap in your car while waiting for them to be done so...
Retweeted by Just a Chloe People who tell me they were born in the late 90's is why I don't like to talk to people.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I display my books like souvenirs picked up on trips I took with friends Iāve met only in my imagination.
Retweeted by Just a Chloe I really hate when my beautician schedules other people with me
It's my time to shine damn it
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