...and then Satan said, "Only give them two days for the weekend."
There are very few things in life that bring me more joy than watching my boyfriend, in his underpants, stir mac and cheese.
I was disappointed to find out that the Kentucky derby isn't a hat full of bourbon.
It only takes two things to make a woman completely happy and if someone could tell me what they are it would be great
I’d invite you guys into my space but there is hair everywhere
People can't stay calm about cannabis fiber because The Hemp Ire Strikes Back
You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My husband told me yesterday that we really need to start eating healthier and increase our physical activity. It's like he has no idea how hard it will be for me to find another husband.
I started a foundation for kids who wake up before 6:00 am. We start pouring the concrete over them tomorrow.
jorts are the florida of clothing
JUST IN: After extensive studies spanning over 40 years, MIT researchers are ready to announce that fat-bottomed girls, do in fact, make the rocking world go 'round
I think my toddler is gaslighting me. She keeps telling me to “go upstairs and work” and how much “I love to work.”
“I love you so much I will fuck you up if I have to”
I overdid it yesterday, so I have to underdid it today.
My Lawyer: Your honor my client is an idiot.
Judge: That’s honestly a great point.
Me: Wow, ok rude.
You should have got me while the gettin’ was good, fellas.
I’ve begun the descent into becoming my mother. I pick food out of my teeth and grunt when I poop now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not condiments on a cheeseburger I specifically ordered as “plain.”
My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive.
In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.
I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself
My ex’s wet dreams were pretty much just about waterboarding me.
If you’re waiting to find out why your BMI is so high, the weight is over.
Screw the patriarchy, from now on I'm calling everyone a fatherfucker.
If you’re a little bit of a dickhead, I’m probably attracted to you
The bravest thing I did was continue my life when I wanted to die.
These are my delusions, sir. Please get your own.
My wife is complaining the house is cold again, so I might have to slice open a second Tauntaun
I'm surprisingly ok with the large number of people I know who despise me.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
How Catholic is my mom? I asked her for help with my car insurance and she hung a rosary from the rear view mirror.
I’m too humble to have the audacity yet here I am having it.
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Me:...or stay hydrated...or something like that.
on your mark, get set, let it go
If a man says he will fix something, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
PRIEST: you may kiss the bride
ME: *leans in toward her*
GROOM: *pushes me away* not you
I think we should alienate other people.
Normalize naps as first dates.
Hot girl shit is women supporting women.
enamored, with the quiet.
Someone I hate was right about something.
~ a tragedy
you’re her fabulous day at the beach
or you’re the sand in her vagina
Get her some mozzarella sticks, you miserable piece of shit.
Make space for those who made space for you when you had nothing.
Her: Did you tell your doctor about your IBS?
Me: Oh, I did some shit talking
I have the panties of a woman with many more grandkids.
Tweet like no one is reading because no one is reading.
‘This is how we do it’ by Montell Jordan is my favourite song about following YouTube tutorials.
Watching your child practice the sport they love is great but so is taking a nap in your car while waiting for them to be done so...
People who tell me they were born in the late 90's is why I don't like to talk to people.
I display my books like souvenirs picked up on trips I took with friends I’ve met only in my imagination.
I really hate when my beautician schedules other people with me
It's my time to shine damn it