Comedians in cars picking up their girlfriends from algebra 2
those who love you best give you their best ~ that's what love is
I think we are all far more burnt out than we realize or care to admit...
Government: Some of these weapons may be too dangerous to circulate among the population.
Idiots: THIS IS AN ASSAULT ON MY GOD GIVEN LIBERTY!
Government: This plant is illegal
Idiots: Well you have to respect the law
linkedin won’t let me log in unless i’m wearing slacks
What base is it, when you look over, make eye contact and she runs the red light.
I rarely get visitors which is kind of sad in that i hardly ever get to tell people that i don't like having visitors
Women buy so many throw pillows because they can't decide which one to smother men at night with
What movies taught me about Americans is that they never say goodbye when ending a phone convo.
Sometimes I’m dead to me.
T-shirts that have a ton of writing on them? I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with that.
She’s a 10 but snores like a drunk sailor.
I’m depressed, I bet listening to the Smiths will cheer me up.
You think you have big balls? Watch me pop them with my big knife.
It’s really rude you’re not obsessed with me
Pssst...Swearing helps you live longer.
I wonder how much per head Chuck E Cheese is charging Dane Cook for the wedding reception?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒7
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Yeah Sure…I Could Eat
~the title of my autobiography
Make sure to respond to a joke tweet with something super depressing.
Lookin’ for that human who doesn’t want to lose me
Don't underestimate me. I've got that covered.
Shoutout to the lady drinking whiskey neat at 10:15 AM in the Delta Sky Lounge while reading The Handmaid’s Tale. I feel you sis.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My husband went to bed early and said I could watch the next episode of our show without him and wow what a kind and selfless man who puts others before himself and…I’m now realizing that jerk watched that episode without me.
May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May you be able to forget everything you desperately need to forget.
So, are you married or living with your mom because that decor tells a story ?
Grandmas be like “never judge a book by its cover” then give you a bible stories coloring book
I’m tired of reading everyone’s throw pillows.
A fantasy league…but the players are all my mental health professionals.
The rule is, you keep eating cereal until the milk in the bowl is gone.
we’ve taken the liberty of taking your liberties. -the u.s. supreme court
Me, any time another Ford Focus is near me in traffic: Looks like we got us a convoy
I'm a little worried that one of you is my probation officer.
Hubby put silk sheets on our bed
And I'm wearing silky pajamas
So you know what that means
Imma fall out the bed and punch him in the face at 4am
babe, what’s wrong? you’ve barely touched your bichon frisée salad.
Mixing chemical cleaners in the bathroom, hoping for a fun high.
Friend: I had this dream last night...
Me: Let me stop you right there, nobody gives a shit.
Twitter like no one is judging your likes
* stands at the edge of the abyss screaming I Exist
In this economy?
I've got nothing left in me but sighs and side eye
Tall people don’t tell you they’re “tall”, it’s obvious, same thing with “smart”, it doesn’t need a spokesman.
Tomorrow we’ll discuss the Cons & Convicts of “nice guy”.
as if we could fool the Fates
*Seductively slips you my pager number*
I love when gas stations have fruit at the checkout counter.
“Can I get $20 on pump 3, and you know what, throw in a banana”
She’s a giver, doesn’t mean she doesn’t need anything.
I’m good friends with peanut butter.