caprice crane

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So is this that thing where you say goodbye but then have to keep walking the same way and it's awkward or is twitter really going away?
Find yourself on the Camp Lejeune lawsuit spam list and you will never feel alone again.
Breaking: Olivia Wilde's Salad dressing revealed: ⅓ cup extra-virgin olive oil 1/4 cup red wine vinegar 2 tsp dijon mustard 1/2 tsp salt and pepper 4 tsp unicorn tears 1/4 cup grated mermaid tail 1 minced fairy ear Bon appétit!
Serious question: My 5 year olds have never seen Star Wars but my son is obsessed with it. Research says it's now age appropriate. However...times have changed since I was a kid. SO, do we start with the three originals? Or do we start with the new ones and go in order?
When your best friend calls to say that her 5 year old son was listing off his 10 best friends and named you as his 7th among the rest of the kids in his class...that's what I call a good day. Now who are these other 6 and what's so dang great about them?
Scrolling amid the political posts, new plagues and human rights fails you can always catch someone bragging about how much they love their person, which is really just a public apology or an attempt to convince themselves. You know we know, right?
The only thing more potentially terrifying than your kid saying “I have a great idea!” is when one sibling says it to the other.
My son talks constantly about Dark Vader, the Deaf Star and light savers. Part of me hopes he never sees Star Wars because his versions are so cute.
"Mommy, can I have a donut please?" Me: I think we've had enough donuts today. "Okay, you have two choices. You can give me a donut or a lollipop... which do you choose?" - my 4 year old daughter, who will hopefully one day use these forces for good
I just changed my ex-boyfriend’s name in my phone to ‘Scam Likely.’
Just lied to a cashier about how many sets of utensils I needed like I actually had any shame left.
So, how weird is it that between age 13-15 me and my best friend used to have someone drive us down Sunset Blvd. so we could look at sex-workers? (Back then we just said we wanted to see the "hookers" because we weren't woke.) What's the weirdest thing you did as a kid?
I thought I was saying the right thing when I told my daughter she wasn't missing anything on the TV because it was a commercial. Nope. That's when she sees the things about which she can say, "Will you buy me that?" Well done, advertisers.
On Facetime with my mom I mentioned she looked beautiful. The next day on facetime I exclaimed “you still look beautiful!” (Because really, she did and does.) When my son was leaving for pre-school he called out to me “I love you, you still look beautiful!” They hear everything.
If you are evacuating #Ukraine with animals, here is an up to date list of organizations/countries to help you. Pls share for our #Ukranian friends. twitter.com/ElayneBoosler/…
Important list of resources and I'd like to add @INARAorg to this list. INARA provides access to life-saving & life-altering medical assistance to children impacted by war. twitter.com/JaneLytv/statu…
Sometimes when I don’t give my 4 year old daughter what she wants, she tells me I’m the “baddest mama” and while I know she means it as an insult, I still strut away because baddest. 🤷🏻‍♀️💃🏻
I don't know who put me on the Hall and Oats mailing list, and I don't need to. I just want to say I am here for it. Those dudes had some classic tunes and every time I see their name in my inbox it makes me smile.
(Only parents are going to get this one, and they are probably busy with their kids.)
A moment with my 4 year old son: Me: “Did you draw on the table?” Him: “Yes. But. 🎶It was our wedding day…” Attention:@Lin_Manuell
Get you a friend that’s so ride or die she smiles like she understood the assignment in her mugshot.
"Should old acquaintance be forgot...?" Yes. Next question?
Everyone on December 31st: Finally, we can be done with another crappy year. 2021: Not so fast. RIP Betty White you precious gem. 💔
The CDC now recommends you know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.
I rarely give my kids sweets and my son was asking for a cookie so I gave him one. Without any words, he promptly broke off a larger-than-average piece and shared it with me. So, there is good in the world.
Why is it that when a mom posts really cute cookies that she made for her kids I have to leave my house to go get ingredients immediately— but if I’m out of an actual necessity it will wait days if not longer?
People who teach exercise classes but can't count or stay on the beat...why are you?
My daughter wants one thing from Santa. A walking, talking, crying doll who closes her eyes at night. After searching everywhere, I've discovered it doesn't exist. She saw it on Peppa Pig. Nineteen days left to make it happen so Christmas isn't ruined. Your move, @peppapig.
Judging by the dilation, I’d say there are some baby carrots on the way. #whyisthereavaginainmycarrot
My daughter was invited to a girls only Rockstar Barbie birthday party today. When I went into their room this morning, her twin brother was wearing a dress. Think anyone will notice?
The snacks you eat while standing in the kitchen deciding what you want to eat don’t count right?
My daughter just asked if when our puppy is old we can get a reindeer. I said yes, of course, so if anyone has any ideas how to make this happen in 12-15 years hit me up.
Summer solstice is allegedly the longest day of the year. Unless you are a parent. Then the longest day is today, when we #FallBack and morning lasts 72 hours.
So @Target I bought these little Halloween houses for my kiddos to paint and um… one of them has a questionable chimney?🤣#artsandcraftstinstagram.com/p/CU0NnbvJw24/…FcE
I'll let you in on a little secret while facebook and instagram are down: NOBODY'S life is even half as good as they were trying to make you believe. Not even close.
If I find myself having to say, "as I said," it's probably because you are being an asshole, which is now causing me to be an asshole. This could all have been avoided.
If I had a dollar for every time I opened the door to a black car that isn’t mine after walking my kids into school, I’d have more dollars than I care to admit and potentially a new car.
It’s astounding to me how many medical experts I know!
Somewhere, a tear falls down Joey Chestnut’s face as he looks at his calculator having done the math.
100% chance that the person you’re flipping off as soon as you’re out of their view is flipping you off too.
Told my kids we couldn’t have pancakes again because we’d had them two days in a row and if we had them today the Pancake Police would come and we’d get in trouble. #parenting
Parent Hack: Television Subtitles ON at all times because you will never be able to hear your TV again over the sounds of your precious and adorable Velociraptors.
If you have kids or dogs and need a safety gate, definitely don't buy from @RetractAGate - worst customer service ever and flimsy AF gates.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there who actually love their kids. Like the verb kind. You’re the real MVPs.
We talked about this, Jon. You know damn well Lars wasn’t ready to admit this. twitter.com/MrJonCryer/sta…
Shout out to the mom at this park who just asked her kids if they want ice cream loud enough for all the other kids to hear and freak out over a lack of ice cream. You’re doing God’s work.
Every time LinkedIn suggests--again--that I 'connect' with the person I can't stand, I can only hope they are doing the same to them so they can be equally annoyed.
A little boy at my kids' preschool asked me if I am their sister today at drop-off. Granted, he was only 4-years-old and probably eats play-doh but I'm still gonna ride that high all day.
Had a fairly crappy week but my 3 year old singing Benny and the Jets just now was pretty adorable. What’s something that made you smile recently?
The saddest April Fools' joke is thinking there's only one day a year we devote to lying to each other.
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