Nothing wrong w going to space w your brother, an old lady, and a barely legal boy. You would all love to do that too if you could
Ahh fuck. you shouldn’t have let me drink those 2 pilsners. Im freaking out. I think Im having a bad trip man
IT'S TOO LOUD! Here's your trailer for Season 2 of I Think You Should Leave - Coming to Netflix on July 6!
hold up what was the second thing you said
[fully doesn't have the skill or work ethic for a task] omg I have imposter syndrome
Everyones always like "trust science! 🤓" uh yeah ok what about all the scientists who, when he sees a hot girl walk by, his glasses fog up and he knocks over all the beakers with his big boner and then there's a chemical reaction and then the building blows up. What about that
got my second vaccine dose and now I keep getting texts like this :/
everybody these days wants to talk about deep fakes 🤔 we should be talking about how everybody these days is fake deep 😔
my ten year old son just told me instead of the pledge of allegiance they make all the kids at school sing wet ass pussey. he got expelled for not doing it
10 years ago this was a place where somebody could post "the party rock is coming from inside the house" and get 100 likes and immediately get hired to write for the TV. now it's a place where you get yelled at on purpose for free and then also fired. swag
andrew yang: I’m gonna turn every homeless guy into a wifi hotspot. I love to eat a chop cheese at the bodega deadass
me: wow this guy is so cool
ugh 🤦🏻♂️ just found out my gf is cheating on me w all of the jabbawockee2A
millennials love to say “I have depression” gen z loves to say “my brain is in my flop era” boomers love to take it out on their son Brandon and say they’ll never respect his work as a comedian
dads love to watch 12 hours of cable news everyday and then once a month they’ll watch a movie they’ve seen before
A Very Special YBS Thanksgiving / Belated International Men’s Day Special with Johnny Wardell and Jamel Johnson
seeing a lot of people on here who want to abolish the electoral college. sorry you weren’t invited to the ragers we had there. say what you will about them but those were some nights I can’t remember with some people I’ll never forget :)
we might never have free healthcare in this country but it’s never been easier to order a travis scott burger from your phone
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.
For all those just tuning in. I'm 6 and half hrs in on a 36 hour tantric sex session. Welcome
watch scott pilgrim if you ever for one second question how hot i would be as a woman
we maybe have like 20 years left on earth max. all of us should probably get off the grid and just take care of our loved ones. the rate of acceleration is too much for our primitive brains. anyway, gonna do standup comedy in a backyard again and take another dumb fuckin walk lol
honestly still mad carmela and furio never fucked
why is there an ad for Monsters Inc (2001) on this banana (2020)
it’s 6 months into the pandemic. you have to take the bus to a job where you don’t have health insurance and your boss doesn’t care if you live or die. the bus has a gigantic ad begging emmy voters to give trevor noah an emmy. that’s LA baby. what a town !
Major new pod this week. Only two people on this episode have watched The Sopranos and they’re not the two people who played AJ and Meadow Soprano
me, despair mode: this has already destroyed so many small businesses i loved. everything that once gave my life texture and character is gone and the poorest among us will suffer the most
me, after getting normal-pilled: Damn...... I miss music festivals ! ✌🏻😝
cardi wrote this about me
thinking about how fucking dumb it's gonna be when im 30 years old and my name is "brandon"
remember when twitter came out and people were like "duhhhh it's just gonna be people telling each other they're eating a sandwich" well in retrospect that sounds significantly better than what we have. to me that sounds awesome
getting to that age where you gotta put down the "100 gecs" and pick up the "401k"
kinda wild how at a very early age you find out the world is run by billionaire pedophiles and you live in a police state run by bloodthirsty psychopaths and then after learning this, you're ultimately supposed to just like, chill forever? man
viral tweet: everyone in AP English class grew up to be a bisexual communist (100k likes)
me, staring at my computer, squinting my eyes: i mean, surely this cannot be true
remember those 3 months where we thought bernie sanders was gonna be president. everyone was fucking and sucking. the world was so simple
republicans love to create a militarized police state whereas democrats love to give the cops 500 million dollars and say “please use this for kindness lessons. don’t use it for any bad stuff”