Albert Brooks

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Just reached for toilet paper and found 3 classified documents.
Southwest would be a fool not to hire George Santos as its new CEO. According to his bio when Santos was head of Airbus not one flight was more than 5 minutes late.
When people I know ask me if Donald Trump will ever become normal my answer was always “only if he puts out digital trading cards.”This is a great day.
Tonight, Trump has dinner with the Devil and Hitler’s ghost.
Everybody has been saying that Donald Trump will choose Kari Lake as his running mate. God, I hope so.
Wow. We all knew it but when you actually hear this it's devastating.
Adam Levine just texted me "What are you wearing?" Should I be flattered or worried?
Lindsay Graham coming up with the plan of when a woman can have an abortion is literally right out of the Twilight Zone.
I don’t often do this but I’m very proud of my daughter releasing her first single. Give it a listen, it’s great!!…
The new James Webb photos from today are spectacular. It’s obvious there are trillions of stars out there and there has to be millions of duplicate earths. I’m betting there’s at least two earths where the My Pillow guy thinks the elections were fair.
I’m a big fan of the James Webb telescope but part of me thinks someone just spilled some crap on the carpet.
The more I watch these hearings the more I can’t believe Richard Nixon was forced to quit because of a hotel room break in but this guy still runs around like he owns the place.
This is such a sad day. That a woman, her conscience, her doctor, her family can no longer make a decision like this is unbelievable. The whole purpose of this country was to separate Church and State. It's taken over 250 years but they're finally back together again.
At least the Supreme Court all said in their laughable senate auditions that they respect precedent. So that was nice.
This morning the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that Americans can carry concealed weapons without any rules. Can we chip in and buy them a television set?
Could imagine one person who wrote the Constitution seeing what we have done with guns and saying “Good. That’s exactly what I meant.” I fucking doubt it.
If you ever wanted to learn photoshop my better half has created the ultimate course. It's easy and great and you will become a master at it. Trust me, it works!
Now that Elon Musk has taken over Twitter I finally feel safe in saying my high school math teacher was an ass-hole.
We signed with Columbia records but never really took off. Maybe it was my fault. RT @prolixmusic_: Albert Brooks, Paul McCartney and Keith Moon.
The last link apparently didn't work. I was trying to link to this story and wondering why Tucker even chooses to live here. I'm sure Fox would let him do the show from the Kremlin.…
R.I.P. William Hurt. So sad to hear this news. Working with him on Broadcast News was amazing. He will be greatly missed.
The more I hear Trump praising Putin the more certain I am those pee tapes really exist.
Since this date will never ever appear again I thought it appropriate to post this clip.
Unbelievable game between 49ers and Packers. I'm sure Aaron Rodgers feels terrible. Maybe he can drown his sorrows with a vaccination.
This is a landline. My cell phone is smarter and can block these. Landline does not.
Asking for help. Getting at least 20 calls a day from people who sound like they are in India. Calling me about Spectrum, Medicare, Hilton, on and on. I have Nomorerobo, I'm on a government do not call list. Cant block them because it's always a different number. Any ideas?
I don’t know if this is a rumor but someone told me Pete Davidson is dating the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Isn’t it funny when Republicans win Trump and the pillow guy say everything went perfectly.
R.I.P. Mort Sahl. Most young people have no idea who he was but he was one the few comedians who yanked comedy out of vaudeville type humor into the modern age. One of the very first to just talk to the audience. We’ll miss you Mort.
The earth is flat. We never went to the moon. The vaccine has a microchip in it. Trump had nothing to do with Jan. 6. Elvis is still alive. It feels so good to be fucking nuts.
R.I.P. Norm Macdonald. I never got a chance to know him but he made me laugh so many times with his brilliant wit and delivery. Comedy lost a great one today.
My better half has a new book out today that finally shows people who love to paint how to do it safely and creatively. If you've ever thought about painting it's a MUST. So proud.
R.I.P. Charles Grodin. A brilliant comedy actor. I had the wonderful experience of working with him in my first feature “Real Life” and he was amazing. Rest In Peace, Chuck.
We had such a great band and yet no one ever heard of us. RT @peterkidder: Albert Brooks,Paul McCartney & Keith Moon
I can't believe 30 years ago today Defending Your Life was released! To celebrate it Criterion has a beautiful reissue of the movie available in a few days. They did a great job, it's worth a look.
That's the last time I ask Biden to impersonate Gerald Ford.
Just got back from the QAnon inauguration of Donald Trump. Lovely event. The Martians especially enjoyed it.
Trump said in his CPAC speech that Biden has undone all of his achievements. It’s true. Covid is down, people aren’t attacking the Capitol, we’re acknowledging science and we’re not reading daily hate tweets. Miss ya, buddy.
After acquitting Trump, Mitch McConnell is giving the most passionate guilty speech I’ve ever heard. Rod Serling called. He wants you out of the Twilight Zone.
Taxi Driver came out 45 years ago today. And we still don't have an answer to "are you talking to me?"
Terrible weather in the Northeast. I hope people are ok. As Majorie Taylor Greene says these Jew storms have got to stop.
Ii’ve decided not have any more Subway tuna sandwiches until Marjorie Taylor Greene tells me what’s really in it.
Tom Brady just can’t get a break.
R.I.P. Larry King. I loved his all night radio show in the 80’s. You could call in at 1 in the morning and just riff for hours. His radio show made a great opening for Lost In America. Rest easy Larry.
I feel like I've taken a 200 pound shit.
48 hours left. I say he bombs Iran and buys Caesars Palace.
Watching Brady and Brees. Unbelievable. These guys are so old they’re getting the vaccine.
I was missing Trump’s tweets so to duplicate the feeling I put my nuts in a vice.
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