Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
It's okay not to be okay .
A group of 1980s teen heartthrobs is called a Corey.
I have gravy breath right now.
The odds that I have scrolled past my soulmate on Twitter are high. WAIT …
*Stops on webcam girl’s timeline, spends 2 hours there.*
If your name is Louie, you are born knowing how to make perfect pizza.
Rock me to sleep.
No, with real rocks.
Columbus died so you could drive to the bank and discover it's closed today.
"I hate to correct you but"
-people who love to correct you
this was so unexpected (unfolds speech)
realize the funniest people usually don't have comedian in their bio
Sure, keep checking for skeletons, in my closet. Most you'll find is a good boning.
I calmed my tits. Now what?
Fuck your “Kids Only Pumpkin Decorating Contest”, it’s my birthday!
*gets drunk and draws penis faces on all the pumpkins for sale
All I’m saying is, if you stop 50 feet behind the stop line at a red light, you probably should have failed Driver’s Ed.
I wake up before the early bird that catches the worm.
Everyone's a zombie in the morning, a comedian in the afternoon and an asshole at night.
Sorry, that typo was driving me crazy.
That was mean.
- truthful insult
Beautiful hearts never know who to doubt.
Never running w scissors sure makes it easier to cut a bitch!
It requires at least 3 brain cells to NOT post filtered selfies on your TL that look absolutely nothing your avi Duh
Paying it forward requires common sense not cents Moron
Some ppl are not just morally bankrupt but they’re short changed in the brains dept too
I think the only sex so good most of you are experiencing is all in your head No not that head
The nuclear launch codes and two scoops of ice cream, pls
This life will be the death of me
Owls are basically just giant moths.
There are so many things I don't want to know about.
When you find someone who makes the journey worth your time.
I enjoy long romantic walks right into self-destruction.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I sat in one of our chairs and didn’t re-fluff the throw pillow when I got up.
The best thing about helping my wife with housework is the part where she gets angry with how I do it.
Stupid questions are my still favorite questions because only stupid people believe there's no such thing as a stupid question.
Only TWO new subscribers so far this month. Your odds of winning are high. #books #free #giveaway
The most beautiful sunshine holds no prejudice.
I don’t understand everything that happens around me. But I try.
Tandem recumbent bikes at the gym. For when you’d like to be closer to the blonde bombshell in front of you.
Write one good book and the world will remember your name forever! - Anonymous #mindblown
If your Rock and Roll Hall of Fame vote doesn't go to the Moody Blues, you're dead to me: bit.ly/2y43LLF bit.ly/2y43MiH
hell, if u r going to rock that look, you'd better have the tortoise shell frame glasses & docksiders as well. commit to an angle.
if u take longer at an ATM or paying at a checkout register than 30 seconds, everyone low key hates you. they don't say it but they do.
find something to be excited about, regardless of how seemingly foolish or pointless it is in the depths of yor depression. fight ur way out
I hate it when I’m comfortable in bed and the remote is all the way on the other side of the room.
Nice thing about DM rooms is that I can say I'm drinking a spiced rum and cola when I'm actually enjoying a pumpkin spice latte.
The best pumpkin pie I ever tasted was when she accidentally spilled that pumpkin spice latte all over her lap.
What's the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Stop saying I'm crazy. You're starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: I'm eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
There are so many cool things I'd do if it weren't for the laws of physics.
Also regular laws.