Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.
A natural phenomenon: The Grand Canyon was filled by a sea of clouds theatln.tc/1cZFeVS pic.twitter.com/R8Y8YlahJu
posting this for a college friend of mine whose 2 year old needs a bone marrow transplant...a bone marrow drive... fb.me/1dhAFhICA
My favorite part of the holiday season? Being able to make more, "that's what she said" jokes because of all of the use of the word package…
These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers.
I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them pay for the trillions in deficits we're racking up
For true inspiration and the definition of paying it forward pages.teamintraining.org/ncfl/dipihalf1…
I'm starting to suspect it's going to take more to reach enlightenment than the daily use of these Aveda Chakra™ Body Mists.
Love doesn’t make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile –elizabeth barrett browning
We did not fight a bloody revolutionary war and build the greatest nation in the world to have tie professional football games.
Boring Twitter stream? Head over to @FunnyTweets_111
and get your funny on
I’m awake…if you are expecting bright eyed and bushy-tailed, go catch a damn squirrel
Quite frankly I think a match made in hell sounds a lot more interesting than one made in heaven.
Being forced to put Italian dressing on my Greek salad. If it had turkey on it, I think I'd have the makings of a major Mediterranean war.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
"All styles are good except the tiresome kind." -Voltaire (b. November 21, 1694) bit.ly/vCrtT9
If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike Bar?
Over 90% of men have already disappointed a woman this morning, the other 10% will a little bit later today.
A picture may say a thousand words, but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies.
Kiss me and you'll know how important I am." — Sylvia Plath
It's the little things that matter. Like leprechauns. Capture one of those guys and you're set for life
Totally stealing this idea for the NOLA Santa's Slay Zombie Pub crawl on 11/30! pic.twitter.com/wsLnEgikNd
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Talking out loud to myself, I'm pretty sure my dog just looked at me and said "Your argument is invalid"
It's Barbie's fault that I think a single cowboy boot, a ballgown with an ass bow & a wild pouf of unbrushed hair is an acceptable outfit.
Secret to twitter is: tweet like your an alcoholic, Nympho, homeless person on Xanax but have a sweet side & be proficient in grammar.
Sandy Hook student, rescue dog bond: 'She just feels safe' today.com/news/sandy-hoo…
Never use a big word when a minuscule one will suffice
Know the worst thing about censorship? It’s when xxxxxxxxxx xx xxxx, xxxxx xxxxxxxx, and xxxxxxx!!!!
WORXHIBITIONIST: Person feverishly typing on their laptop at Starbucks, hoping people notice & think they're important.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ~ Ambrose Redmoon
I saw a picture of Robert Downey Jr. in a wrinkled shirt, which is weird because he's Ironman.
Without great solitude, no serious work is possible. ~ Pablo Picasso zenquotes.org/pablo-picasso-…
My caffeine has totally worn off. That makes me unarticulate. And I have trouble using words too.
There's a crazy homeless man in the mall parking lot directing cars. Into each other. Damn, I wish I thought of it first.
Doughnuts go great with coffee. Starbucks has lousy doughnuts. Krispy Kreme has lousy coffee. The free market has failed us, comrades.
“At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon... ~ Salvador Dalí pic.twitter.com/3ezcLu9Vor
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." ~Soren Aabye Kierkegaard~
I hate being in situations I can't twerk my way out of.
Beauty is in the eye of the retweeter
From a fan in Utah. Nature is amazing in its splendor. pic.twitter.com/fsI32gTtPQ
Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion. - Democritus of Abdera
Hospital Ship USNS Mercy Prepped for Philippines Disaster Relief gcaptain.com/hospital-ship-…
Investigation Faults Human Error in Washington State Ferry Collision with Yacht gcaptain.com/investigation-…
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Boy band jokes only go one direction.