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The Onion

Nation Rallies Around Ronald McDonald Statue That Embodies Country’s True Heritage trib.al/gz6mbKI
6h
Measuring Spoon Hasn’t Looked Back Ever Since Being Detached From Ring trib.al/eTlfhL2
7h
Francis Ford Coppola Admits Wedding Scene In ‘The Godfather’ Needed More Lasagna trib.al/JVGjrKf
8h
God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun trib.al/YkO2YJR
9h
Panicked John Kelly Ushers Half-Naked Trump Away From Podium As President Shouts Support For Eugenics trib.al/UEZgOqz
Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands trib.al/dFakxFB
New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought trib.al/829jZjE
Man Who Jumped Motorcycle Onto Hijacked Bullet Train Never Thought He’d See Stories Like His Being Told By Hollywood trib.al/0yUShbq
Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time trib.al/tXlSRI1
Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot trib.al/DhexRkP
NASCAR Adds Gravel Warning Track To Alert Drivers Of Wall trib.al/NSPwsrQ
Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly trib.al/xxd63Yz
Man Immediately Regrets Borrowing Warm, Sweaty Baseball Glove trib.al/s3xi1H4
Trump Blasts Critics Who Judge Neo-Nazi Groups By Most Extreme Members trib.al/UqWJLl2
Picture Most Closely Resembling Actual Self Immediately Deleted trib.al/1YTvkyr
Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder trib.al/xCoN7rn
Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge trib.al/IB5HvBy
SeaWorld Dynamites Orca That Beached Itself On Concrete Walkway trib.al/Lxl2BnL
Trump Warns Removing Confederate Statues Could Be Slippery Slope To Eliminating Racism Entirely trib.al/bWWQSn9
Lizard Planning To Bite New Owner First Chance It Gets trib.al/ldR4NfN
Man Surveys Party For Next Group To Silently Stand In trib.al/ga1lfD6
How To Watch The Solar Eclipse
Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman trib.al/1XhK3a0
For more world-renowned reportage, visit theonion.com.
 
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