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The Onion

Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Husband Can Eat While She’s Passed Away
Mom Wants One Of Those Things Your Sister Has For Christmas
God Admits He Never Created Gerbils
Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For
‘You Hate To See That,’ Announces Fan Secretly Thrilled About Rival Player’s Injury
Retweeted by The Onion
Obama Finally Fulfills Campaign Promise To Spend One Night In Abandoned Amusement Park
Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War
Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little
Editorial Cartoon: "Unhappy Days"
Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!
Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Man To Continue Slowly Drifting Into Middle Of Restaurant Until Host Redirects Him
Cuban Army Honors Fidel Castro With 21-Gun Firing Squad
All shirts on the Onion Store are made from 100% t-shirt.
Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off
Study: Depression Up Among Teenage Girls Able To Perceive Any Part Of World Around Them
.@peteholmes + #FacesAndSounds = one great comedy special premiering tonight at 10pm on @HBO.
Retweeted by The Onion
Sick Man Slowly Becoming Enthroned In Used Tissues
Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment
Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave
Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26
Dancing 7-Year-Old Looks To Expand Fan Base From Parents To Parents’ Friends
Empty ‘About Us’ Page Leaves Chinese Buffet’s Origins Shrouded In Mystery
Dog Not Sure It Ready To Tackle Whatever Happened To Man At Work Today
"You’d have to be an idiot not to use them,” said defensive coordinator Brent Pry.
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