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The Onion

Officials Unveil Plan To Convert Underused Senate Chamber Into Storage Facility
Contrarian Amazon User Completely Upends Critical Consensus On Microfiber Towels
Report: Majority Of Statements Now Prefaced By Phrase ‘In Light Of Recent Events’
Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes
Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death
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Fox News Chief Resigns Amid Harassment Claims #WhatDoYouThink?
Please Do Not Dip Into This Reserve Of Vin Diesel Pictures Unless It's An Absolute Emergency
Retweeted by The Onion
Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies
Highlights Of The 2016 RNC
ExxonMobil Vows Lenient Treatment For Any Species That Surrenders Voluntarily
Man Checks To Make Sure No One Home Before Recording Song Into Laptop
Pokémon Go Is Completely Changing The Reasons Why I Go To The River At Night
Retweeted by The Onion
Let the whole town know you’re getting crazy by ditching the tiara for a beard of bees
Tips For Throwing The Perfect Bachelorette Party
World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation
The Onion’s Full Coverage Of Donald Trump’s 2016 RNC Speech
Visit for the latest from the most influential media empire human civilization has ever seen
Marilyn Monroe’s Hair To Be Sold At Auction #WhatDoYouThink?
Making The Most Of Your Summer Camp Experience
Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator
Trump: ‘Remember, This Is Your Last Chance To Get Out Before This Goes Any Further’
‘Low-Energy Jeb,’ Whispers Jeb Bush Sitting Alone In Dark Watching Televised Trump Speech
Trump Takes Moment To Thank All The Fear In Audience For Making This Night Possible
RNC Speech: ‘Fuck, We’re Really Just Letting This Fucking Happen?’ #RNCinCLE
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