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The Onion

Nation Rallies Around Ronald McDonald Statue That Embodies Country’s True Heritage
Measuring Spoon Hasn’t Looked Back Ever Since Being Detached From Ring
Francis Ford Coppola Admits Wedding Scene In ‘The Godfather’ Needed More Lasagna
God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun
Panicked John Kelly Ushers Half-Naked Trump Away From Podium As President Shouts Support For Eugenics
Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands
New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought
Man Who Jumped Motorcycle Onto Hijacked Bullet Train Never Thought He’d See Stories Like His Being Told By Hollywood
Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time
Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot
NASCAR Adds Gravel Warning Track To Alert Drivers Of Wall
Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly
Man Immediately Regrets Borrowing Warm, Sweaty Baseball Glove
Trump Blasts Critics Who Judge Neo-Nazi Groups By Most Extreme Members
Picture Most Closely Resembling Actual Self Immediately Deleted
Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder
Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge
SeaWorld Dynamites Orca That Beached Itself On Concrete Walkway
Trump Warns Removing Confederate Statues Could Be Slippery Slope To Eliminating Racism Entirely
Lizard Planning To Bite New Owner First Chance It Gets
Man Surveys Party For Next Group To Silently Stand In
How To Watch The Solar Eclipse
Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman
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