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The Onion
Early registration times allow scholar-athletes to enroll in the most in-demand fluff courses onion.com/1tn1LqJ pic.twitter.com/H36jmKYv3g
2h
Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise onion.com/1tn1Af3
3h
Report: Advertisers Threatening To Pull Money Now The Only Remaining Way To Effect Any Change onion.com/1tn1ofL
4h
Full report at onion.com/insta
  8h
[American Voices] Report: UNC Inflated Grades, Created Fake Classes For Over 3,100 Students onion.com/1uMfQKT #WhatDoYouThink?
9h
Post-epidemic tribes will refer to this site as “the darkness lands” | Track Ebola in the U.S. onion.com/1uMcdoh pic.twitter.com/zCQy7G2PSf
9h
Child molestation leads to TLC finally being offended by Honey Boo Boo avc.lu/1se3x86
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9h
In Focus: Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online onion.com/10qQwCL pic.twitter.com/jc3B1LM3HQ
Are you strong enough to resist the overpowering urge to buy our sponsor’s products after reading this content? onion.com/10qPqac #SPON
[American Voices] Tinder Offering Premium Paid Service To Help Users Find Better Matches onion.com/1uLOi8l #WhatDoYouThink?
At Ohio State, athletes receive complimentary transportation to and from crime scenes onion.com/1uLHt6M pic.twitter.com/I3zhnCQ4Vh
Researchers also recommend slowly tightening one’s grip around their boss’s throat onion.com/1uLEz1V pic.twitter.com/JdVIFNVgxZ
This content is brought to you by the wanton greed inherent in human nature onion.com/1wv4WO1 #SPON
Report: Advertisers Threatening To Pull Money Now The Only Remaining Way To Effect Any Change onion.com/1wv4rDm
Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun onion.com/1wv3E5C pic.twitter.com/pKmb9L83td
Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats onion.com/1wv2cA3 pic.twitter.com/m1xy1PlBwF
On Owner's Box, fantasy guru @PerryBigwell has a special Thursday Night Football preview onion.com/1wv0H4Y pic.twitter.com/gBrzdt6gYG
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New National Park Caters To Business Travelers onion.com/1wuYeYg pic.twitter.com/7WjZkQNbj4
Amazing Colorized Versions Of Black-And-White Photos Make History Come Alive clickhole.com/r/1262tsd pic.twitter.com/KLRO7Thzz5
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This Week Last Year | Who Said It: Kanye West Or A Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker? onion.com/1ijzFrj
Football Hall Of Fame Acquires Peyton Manning's Record-Breaking Touchdown-Throwing Arm onion.com/1t6PJ4O pic.twitter.com/0ARnzxay1v
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New Hobby To Tide Retired Man Over Until Death onion.com/1t6Maf3 pic.twitter.com/xqqUogP7jW
STATSHOT | What Are Strangers Putting In Our Halloween Candy? onion.com/1tfkGF3 pic.twitter.com/UELXR0OfIQ
In Focus: Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome ‘It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggc…’ onion.com/1tffLUF
From The Archives: Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes onion.com/1wuLrVz
Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions onion.com/1xaqkWY pic.twitter.com/L8hK0IFG7Y
I would compete in the Schick Xtreme Comfort Games but I think I’m already competing by laying down on my couch? onion.com/1xacYda
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7 Female CEOs Who Inspire Us All To Be Cogs In The Capitalist Machine clickhole.com/r/1242tsd pic.twitter.com/rAkgfrtHT8
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Here are some tips for finding the right doctor: onion.com/1xaiOv5 pic.twitter.com/rRB4Y6QdEO
What’s worse than rats? Singing rats. I don’t care if they are a Soprano. onion.com/1xacELx
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[American Voices] Toys ‘R’ Us Pulls ‘Breaking Bad’ Action Figures From Shelves onion.com/1xadTKG #WhatDoYouThink?
Goodfellas actor sues The Simpsons for allegedly stealing his likeness avc.lu/ZNUGUq pic.twitter.com/KsqYPsaKLR
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Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware onion.com/1wkY9oW pic.twitter.com/H0TDx3p0aF
Area Man Released After Being Wrongfully Employed For 9 Years onion.com/1rqDeeW pic.twitter.com/sJyCUSoByq
Curt Schilling’s Family Urges Him To Finally See Doctor About Bleeding Ankle onion.com/1rqBzpO pic.twitter.com/N8hVVz65VG
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New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler onion.com/1rqAXAl pic.twitter.com/hzh93LER5B
If you never click this link to our sponsor’s content, you’ll never know if it’s shameful, embarrassing or both onion.com/ZNX4KH #SPON
Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last onion.com/1zkM5J1 pic.twitter.com/0Es3NTKkiC
Full report at onion.com/insta
Reports indicate that the cake definitely isn’t big enough for the entire office onion.com/1zkKSBw pic.twitter.com/6nFE5HKXAg
Midterm Candidates Distancing Selves From United States onion.com/1CWolHB pic.twitter.com/QnANIIckWi
In Focus: Johnny Depp Now Completely Made Of Scarves And Bracelets onion.com/1CWg9ac pic.twitter.com/hwxXOFFjT5
Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine onion.com/1nz7CbJ pic.twitter.com/Vhf7LopBsc
[American Voices] Facebook To Test Jet-Sized Wi-Fi Drones By 2015 onion.com/1nz67tY #WhatDoYouThink?
First, ask yourself what your goals are when you see a doctor. Do you want to live, or die? onion.com/1nz4Bbf pic.twitter.com/jLboW83iIb