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The Onion

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean
Manic Researchers Announce They Are Hours Away From Cure For Depression
Gap Debuts New Line Of Children’s Sweaters To Clutch To Chest When Son Goes Missing
Gorsuch Nervous About Showering In Front Of Other Supreme Court Justices
5 Things To Know About Trump's Tax Plan
Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges
Locks Of Love Completes Construction Of Massive Hair Silo Capable Of Holding 150,000 Pounds Of Hair
Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value
University Of Nevada Renames Vito Corleone School Of Business Following Latest Accusations Against Benefactor
Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub
Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride
Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown
"Sometimes I feel like I’m in prison, too. But then my shift ends, and I go back to my own house."
Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish
God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core
Look back through The Onion's comprehensive coverage of the worst 100 days of Donald Trump's life
Editorial Cartoon: "The First Hungered Days"
Thumbtack On Carpet Still At Large
Assisted Living Center Widower Has Eye On Cute, Hunched-Forward Little Number
The Onion Looks Back At The First 100 Days And 10 Plagues Of The Trump Administration
5 Things To Watch For At The NRA Convention
U.S. Postal Service Appoints First Leather-Clad Postmistress General
Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water
Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately
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