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The Onion
In Sports: Left Fielder Thinking About The Ways A Triple Play Could End With Him
Petco: All full-time hires entitled to complimentary therapy rat
In World News: Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The Mona Lisa
Consider opening a registry at your local bank
Lethal Injection Least Effective Drugs Man Took While In Prison
Top Story: Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life
This Week's Top Story | Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’
Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money
In Sports: Mom Scared For NHL Players Without Visors
U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption
Hillary Clinton: The Merciless, Unrelenting March To The Presidency
Top Story: Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle
The Onion breaks down what you should know about @marcorubio:
In Focus: Alzheimer's Disease Causing Baby Boomers To Misremember 1960s Even More
In World News: New Evidence Suggests Middle East Conflict Predates All Human Civilization
This Week Last Year: Community Theater Gives Part Of Blanche DuBois To Kathy Fucking Hamilton
In Sports: Umpire Says He Was On LSD When He Called No-Hitter
Lethal Injection Least Effective #Drugs Man Took While In Prison #TheOnion #news
In Focus: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils
In Focus: Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences
Surely you can’t be serious: An oral history of Airplane!
Retweeted by The Onion
In Focus: Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit