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The Onion
Everyone On Defense Team An Equally Matched Romantic Interest For Member Of Prosecution
Top Story: Michelle Obama Renovates Van Buren Workout Room
In Sports: Fewer NBA Players Choosing To Learn Unborn Child’s Position
This Week Last Year: How The College Admissions Process Works
In Local News: Siblings Playing Tense Game Of Chicken To Decide Who Going To Care For Mom
Report: Employees Most Innovative When Brainstorming Dramatic Quitting Scenarios
The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes
Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business
Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate
Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy
This Week Last Year: 10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low
Speaks: Spanish, English, Tongues Campaign Slogan: “I’m Ted Cruz”
College Newspaper Staff Know Exactly How They Would Respond If Editorial Freedom Challenged
Weekend Magazine: 10 Animals You Could Go Out And Kill Right Now
Top Story: Nude, Ash-Streaked Dick Vitale Proclaims This What March Madness All About
"Dishing up the rock! Cleaning the glass! Blood! Blood! Blood! It’s March Madness, baby!”
Retweeted by The Onion
New Free-Range Slaughterhouse Allows Livestock To Roam Freely On Killing Floor