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The Onion

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Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness onion.com/Zepbl2
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Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy onion.com/13IZvZU #NSFW
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REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life onion.com/13IUHno
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Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August onion.com/14yafNK
In Sports: Calvin Johnson Says He Played 2012 Season With Broken Heart onion.com/11Ypq5o
Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp onion.com/11YjeKI
Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers onion.com/12X9tIn
Dr. Good's resident plastic surgeon turns some unemployed ugly ducklings into employable mega-sexy swans youtu.be/IWpnzprnmeI
Onion Radio News: Bananas Sweep Primates' Choice Awards Again onion.com/12X6sb0
You like sports and you like The Onion. Show where your loyalties lie with this sweet Onion Sports Network T-shirt bit.ly/11bHCky
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Frank Vogel Seen Googling 'NBA Pacers Good?' | More NBA News: onion.com/YbcKko
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[American Voices] "My right to salacious entertainment should trump any concerns about national security." onion.com/ZeiGyP
Ke$ha drank her own pee on TV, and The Parents Television Council is not cool with it avc.lu/11Z23IU
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The Onion's ongoing coverage of Kate Middleton's pregnancy: onion.com/12WPr0C
Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness onion.com/ZedMlq
Brian Urlacher Retires With Plenty Of Injuries Left In The Tank onion.com/13JaEd8
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#XboxOneFeatures: Kinect motion sensor capable of responding to what you consider movement onion.com/13J6BOb
#XboxOneFeatures: Xbox Hat—Say the words “Xbox Hat” out loud and a large image of a hat will appear on your TV screen onion.com/13J6BOb
Here are some of the #XboxOne's features: onion.com/13J5E8l
Sources: @AP reporters engaging in anal sex, NPR's @arishapiro fisting FOX's @edhenryTV at Obama press conference onion.com/13J0tVZ
Obama: 'Give in to the basest of our primal urges and drink thirstily from the cup of lust.' onion.com/13J0tVZ
Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy onion.com/13IZvZU #NSFW
REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life onion.com/13IUHno
"We can’t wait to start a family." – Woman who regularly forgets to cap bottles of detergent onion.com/10ljlNn
Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August onion.com/14yafNK
[NEW: Dr. Good] Dr. Tanas makes six disgusting slobs employable through the power of plastic surgery youtu.be/IWpnzprnmeI
"She’s six feet under and you’ve got your best years ahead of you, bud. Don’t worry about it." onion.com/11Yw6Re
Life’s Too Short To Get Hung Up On The Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding Your Wife’s Death | Commentary: onion.com/11YuXJo
“A certain someone banged up my heart pretty bad, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me.” onion.com/11Ypq5o
Calvin Johnson Says He Played 2012 Season With Broken Heart onion.com/11Ypq5o
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"Frankly, this place is a dump. It’s almost impossible to concentrate on anything pure or holy." onion.com/11YjeKI
13 Arrested Development quotes to summarize reactions to the new episodes avc.lu/13Iocpa
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Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp onion.com/11YjeKI
April Hackins’ dating profile name “REOSpeedwagonFan” is attracting the right kind of people | More News Highlights: onion.com/Wm37n2
TAURUS: The rise of Jupiter indicates that, Jesus Christ, get your goddamn finances in order already | Horoscopes: onion.com/11YeSDl
[American Voices] “God damn it, why does everything have to make me fat?” onion.com/12VJgKi
In Focus: Fifth Baby Barely Showered onion.com/166mOnG
Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System onion.com/166ktZK
‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again onion.com/166nuJA
24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old onion.com/166npWl
2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific onion.com/12sG6gz
Americans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of Grief onion.com/12sG6gz
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain onion.com/12sFWWp
AQUARIUS: A backyard barbecue this week will smell a lot more fun than it actually is | Your Horoscopes: onion.com/166mXHJ
UPDATE: Mark Wahlberg, Tara Reid, and Tim Allen's IMDB pages updated to include 'Untitled Project' | 'Fuck.' onion.com/12rZs5s
“We’re still in May, and this thing’s already turning out to be a real soul-crusher.” onion.com/12syHO3
"Xbox One looks so awesome—the graphics are super realistic." – Middle-aged accountant to his prepubescent son onion.com/10N2DGj
Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System onion.com/12st8zp