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TedInJest

comedy 116,736 followers
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I still can't believe that Carrie Underwood has more followers than Bo Bice.
BREAKING NEWS: the NBA to continue its long-term mission to bring professional basketball back to Charlotte by the end of the 21st century.
She said, "Say you love me! Say you love me!" He said, "You love me."
I've just traveled back in time to just before I sent this tweet!
My cousin is a deep thinker... especially at work in the coal mine.
If God had intended for humans to take naps, he'd not have blessed Brazil with so much coffee.
Never bite off more than you can chew. Unless it's cotton candy.
What's your favorite color?
This city desert makes you feel so cold; It's got so many people, but it's got no soul. youtu.be/lSIw09oqsYo
RT if you think this day needs more coffee in it.
If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be employed? The cab driver.
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you? And everything u stand for, turns on u to spite you? youtu.be/1wYNFfgrXTI
I don't think my recent weight loss has been that noticeable. Even my bathroom scale hasn't picked up on it.
I should write Sci-Fi for a living. I can alienate anyone!
IMPORTANT: Avoid Vertical Video Syndrome - irove.com/video186.html
They're from a port town in England, which is a city in the country of Europe. "What You're Doing" take11 fb.me/2Fk2EVKPf
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OMG! The Star Mangled Banner: irove.com/video187.html
If u ever get marooned on a dessert island, try escaping on the root beer float.
Time for a Blunt question: Emily or James?
He said, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" She said, "Yes! You should go back there and look for me."
Experiencing a downward spiral. And not in a good way.
@HollandTaylor: the play ANN isn't political AT ALL. It's about LIFE. It's an adventure story. And soooo well acted
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The Chelsea Flower Show begins tomorrow in #England- think gorgeous gardens & nature-inspired sculptures! #rhschelsea pic.twitter.com/LYT6Po5x6d
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Some people make a lot of dollars, others make a lot of sense.
Considering trading my iPad for a life.
Arizona Diamondbacks’ 1-0 win first of its kind in 50 years: mlb.si.com/2013/05/19/ger…
I file everything under 'miscellaneous'. Speeds up the filing process.
"Rainbows are just fun to look at, not to really understand." #KidQuotes
Someone just said to me, "Keep your day job!" I'm like, "This is my day job."
Change is inedible.
Know your limitations... then defy them.
Sometimes the closest thing to optimism is to simply not assume the worst.
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Anyone have a favorite Muppet?
@TedInJest That's funny. Publisher will be sorry one day when the light shines brightly upon your coffee table book. ;-)
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UPDATE: I finally pitched my idea for a coffee-table book called "Fifty Shades of Lamps." The publisher was turned off by the idea.
I always strive for perffection.
I Believe in Loving You - A new single by Carole King. Written by Carole and Hal David. Available NOW itun.es/i6xH3JH #iTunes
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A retweet is as good as a smile :)
He said, "I'm a negative person." She said, "Are you positive about that?" He said, "Yes." She said, "Hypocrite!"
I liked it better when David Palmer was president.
Do you know what I look like?
#iCanAdmit I put the F-U in FUNNY.