Can open, worms everywhere! #canofworms
With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine. #pigswillfly
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires.
Did they come up with water resistant phones because of all the emotional teens that just cry all the time?
Are walruses just vampire manatees?
announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm, You may NOT want a phone that sets itself on fire, to be water resistant guys
I need something like an epi pen, but filled with caffeine. #Coffee
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. #newyear
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it. #NewYearsResolution
: It's not as easy as it looks. - Milli Vanilli
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong
I use the self-check-out aisle because I like to whisper "I own you now" every time I scan something.
Don't you wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they're fake or real?
I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.
Isn't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning #Wikileaks
for doing just what Journalists used to do?
Note to self: cartwheels take way more room as a man than as a child. Also, buy new light fixture.
The entire purpose of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gun fight.
When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.
is getting out of control -- They just leaked Santa's naughty list.
Christmas dinner is a place where you can really talk turkey.
The longer you spend time at home, the more homeless you end up looking.
I am sure the invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No
Today is International Ninja Day. They had a parade, I didn't see anything, but I found candy in my pockets.
Do crabs think that fish can fly?
Now through New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I am not that tech savvy. I cannot shut off the auto correct on your wife. Sorry Dude, you are stuck with it.
Ok, I admit it. I'm the reason Waldo is hiding.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random driveways honking the horn.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
No matter how much you are excited about it, you should leave ”Guest appearance on Cops” off of your resume.
When I text someone and they don’t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised...
Dude, You say "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" like there are other types of Ex-Girlfriends.
A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go?
: Because only in America do we trample each other for sales, just one day after being thankful for what we already have.
Think about it. The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
Tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.
In the 60's we had "Question Authority", 50 years later we have "Question the News Media"
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you'll see a picture of me. Well not yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I'm so angry at the leaves! I'm gonna yell at the trees...I'm going to throw rocks. Then burn pictures of sugar maples! Stop leaves...Stop!!