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Bruce Swedal

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders should put their heads together and figure a way to give everyone free college and make Mexico pay for it.
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
Sign at the Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’re in the right place.”
The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!
If your parents put up a "Slow Children" sign in front of your house as a kid, you should take it personally.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
The 5 second rule only applies if you do not have a 2 second dog.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it, actually I really could care less.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today's kids who don't remember when we had jungles. Or books...
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
How to tick off your neighbors: buy a puppy, give it the same name as thier kid.
Whats my favorite childhood memory? Not having bills.
I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Dear anonymous teenager. If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, interrupt MY day and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.
I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
Some of us are still “it” from a childhood game of tag.
I like going into McDonald's and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Pro Tip: If she starts her sentence by saying "I find it kinda funny", rest assured, she is not amused in the slightest.
This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
I was once kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
While someone is speaking to me at work, 80% of my inner dialogue is just wondering if my face looks interested.
I may not know what I am doing, but I am really good at it.
Pro tip for the Ladies: If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
Your sassy personalized license plate promises a lifestyle your Hyundai can't deliver.
Theres a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos.
Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!
Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. It did not have selfies or text. OMG! I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING.
New Wiggins Adidas commercial filmed at Willow Creek Theatre in Plymouth #twolves…
Retweeted by Bruce Swedal
Is there life on Mars? ExoMars mission is set to find out - CNN…
Mark Sanchez: 'I'm battle-tested,' ready to start for Broncos - ESPN…
Scientists discover cousin of T. Rex in Uzbekistan desert - Fox News…
The New Spider-Man Makes His Debut in Captain America: Civil War Trailer - Vanity Fair…
Vikings to Minneapolis: We don't want to play on Chicago Avenue - ESPN…
Peyton Manning makes call to retire after 18-year career - ESPN…
High on Broncos' to-do list: Upgrade the offensive line - Denver Post…
'Mitt Romney is a stiff': Donald Trump launches flurry of attacks before Romney's big 2016 speech - Business Insider…
Sports Authority is bankrupt and closing 140 stores - CNN…
Donald Trump's Speech on Super Tuesday Video - ABC News…
Stephen King confirms Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey in 'Dark Tower' - USA TODAY…
Trump retaining Republican lead for 'Super Tuesday' - CNN…
As I stated at the press conference on Friday regarding David Duke- I disavow.
Retweeted by Bruce Swedal
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