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Bruce Swedal

Not everything on CNN is #fakenews. Some of it is commercials.
You know you are a bad cook, when your family asks you to bring paper towels to family gatherings...
Parenting - a job where you have no previous experience, no training, you can't quit and people's lives are at stake.
I am personally more afraid of the guy putting whoop ass in the can, than the one opening it.
I have survived 18,311 days and 11 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. Only possible through your prayers and support.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
My wife said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Great slogan for an eyeglasses company? "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."
Apple introduced the HomePod device that hears everything you say, knows every answer, and controls your entire home... The iWife????
It took years for Thomas Edison to perfect the light bulb. But that’s probably because he was working in the dark.
Being Social while being Anti-Social
It's like my kid doesn't even believe how cool I was in the 80s
IMMORTAL (so far)...
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is romantic. But the lady at the DMV yesterday didn't think so
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You don't actually have to set your house on fire when they say you should test your fire alarm once a month.
Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion
Last night I had a pillow fight using my memory foam pillow. That's a fight I will never forget.
When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, and a Vegan gets turned into a Zombie, will it go around searching for Graiinnnzzzz?????
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.” - Zig Ziglar
I don't know why I don't buy more pinatas. Like right now. I would love to beat crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
We bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
We sent the B52's to North Korea. They will undoubtedly surrender once they have listened to Love Shack few times.
I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.
Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema.
Cold cereal is the sweatpants of food.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Just because I have lost my mind, does not mean that I am looking for it.
I should come with a warning label.
Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice. There are positives with the dark side...
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
All my ducks may not be in a row, but at least they are in the same pond.
I’m starting to think the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat for some sit-ups. I awoke 2 hours later.
I flew on United Airlines….. And all I got was this bloody t-shirt.
I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look… … I knew I was in hot water.
If you’re here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Bought the wife a maids outfit to liven things up indoors, didn’t work, the house is still dirty.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Some people should come with subtitles.
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. However, he's now recovered.
Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
After battling for years to overcome my addiction to hand sanitizer, I’m finally clean.
I remember when "selfies" were called "nobody else wants to take my picture."
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