Volleyball is just a more intense version of "Don't let the Balloon Hit the Floor"
Remember boys and girls, to tip you waitress, not your cows...tipping cows spills your milk.
No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.
If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?
Why send one long text message when 10 shorter messages in a row can be much more annoying?
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.
I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs
Old age is the only disease that people don't look forward to being cured of.
All this tagless clothing makes getting dressed in the dark nearly impossible.
When teenagers say they "cleaned their room" what they really mean is that they cleared a narrow path from the door to the bed.
Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor
If Leonardo da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20160603-00463.jpg"
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren't just victims of Medusa?
When your child asks what it is like being a parent, wake them up at 3 in the morning to tell them that you can't sleep.
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat squirrels cross the road.
Automatic doors are making being a gentleman difficult. It doesn't seem as romantic rushing to jump in front of the sensor to open the door.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.
You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
"Thank God! They are finally taking these darn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.
The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I'll probably never be able to retire.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Did anyone ever realize that Girl Scouts is basically a brand-name cookie company that gets away with child labor?
W is one of only two letters that start with D.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do...Literally, this game is too darn expensive.
I'm going to put up a For Sale sign in front of my neighbors house just to hope that the power of suggestion works.
Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders should put their heads together and figure a way to give everyone free college and make Mexico pay for it.
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
Sign at the Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’re in the right place.”
The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!
If your parents put up a "Slow Children" sign in front of your house as a kid, you should take it personally.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
The 5 second rule only applies if you do not have a 2 second dog.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...