I’m convinced that most Ikea employees are customers who didn’t know how to get out and just gave up.
Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I wonder how many of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant suit purchases?
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
What's up with these young men that my daughter brings home. They won't look me in the eye, and just stare at the shotgun I am holding.
Apparently when you get older, the term "get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning.
Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach offer unwanted advice in related Facebook groups all day.
Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.
The NFL Ignored My Warning -- and the TV Ratings Are Plummeting - The Rush Limbaugh Show rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2016/09/…
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside.
May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.
They lost me at the National Anthem. Will not watch overpaid athletes disrespect the flag and nation I served. #BoycottNFL #PHIvsCHI
I saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.
When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.
If you go to jail for Tax Evasion, you will be living off of tax money for not paying taxes
Here is a Poltical Idea: Debate Format Change: First Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.
"Pumpkin" is a nice thing to call someone, unless that person is overweight and wearing orange.
"Goldilocks and the Three Bears", Teaching kids it's ok to break into peoples homes, break their furniture and eat their food since 1837.
If you're buying Smart Water for $4 a bottle...I'm sorry to tell you this but it's not working.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn't related to any of them
I heard they invented a Glass Coffin, but I don’t know if it will catch on. Remains to be seen.
I wonder what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I tried to teach my dog to dance today. It was useless. He’s got two left feet.
Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...
You know you are tired when United Airlines tries to charge you for the bags under your eyes.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the bucket how she is doing.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
If you spotted 6 new Pokemon, but you don't have the app, you may need to check your meds.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
It is only a matter of time before Pokemon rehabs start popping up everywhere.
Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's Olympics.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If the Olympics were more like the Hunger Games I think I might actually watch.
There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my wife was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.
Is it true that the tons of confetti dropped at the Democrat National Convention was actually Hillary's shredded emails?
Before the invention of paper and scissors, did everything end in a tie? "I got rock" "Oh crap, me too"
One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice….no they don’t, oh no they don’t.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
A kid playing Pokemon Go saw me playing Pokemon Go and had a look of horror like, “This is my future?!?”
I bet if Bon Jovi could actually turn back time he wouldn't do those awful DirecTV commercials.
God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.
Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.
Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I feel that I should be good at impaling zombies during the apocalypse.