My "kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
Turns out if you fake your death every Monday, work catches on.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat but the cat probably won’t like any one of them.
Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Daylight Savings Time. Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
The lyrics to "hush little baby" basically say "I will buy you anything if you just shut up". No wonder kids feel like they need everything.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
My daughter asked why I was whispering in the house. I told her I was afraid of the CIA. She laughed, I laughed, Amazon Echo laughed...
Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "There's one!"
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me Honey. Now suddenly you're just a waitress who was "doing her job".
1 may be the loneliest number, but 8 is the snowmanliest number.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their Mom's bad driving.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
If you step on a persons foot, they open their mouth like a trash can.
People who walk fast are beyond me…
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that's why you should weigh yourself in the mornings.
If you are having anxiety over something you've said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Your bed is pretty much just a charger for your body
Not sweat, it's liquid awesome.
I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
There is a fine line between crazy and free spirited. Usually that's a prescription
I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
The human body is roughly 60% water. I'm not fat, I'm flooded.
Maybe money doesn't buy happiness. I am accepting donations to test the theory.
If your glass is always half empty, buy smaller glasses.
The grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs mowing too.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready." - Henry David...
Fighting online is so stupid. I mean, what are you gonna do? Busta CAPS LOCK on me?
I want my tombstone to say "Well, It didn't make me stronger."
Play poker with a bunch of origami enthusiasts. They just keep folding.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Wife says we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things
"Memory foam pillow fights". That's one fight you'll never forget.
I successfully snuck popcorn into the movie theater, but they won’t let me use their microwave.