Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No
Today is International Ninja Day. They had a parade, I didn't see anything, but I found candy in my pockets.
Do crabs think that fish can fly?
Now through New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I am not that tech savvy. I cannot shut off the auto correct on your wife. Sorry Dude, you are stuck with it.
Ok, I admit it. I'm the reason Waldo is hiding.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random driveways honking the horn.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
No matter how much you are excited about it, you should leave ”Guest appearance on Cops” off of your resume.
When I text someone and they don’t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised...
Dude, You say "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" like there are other types of Ex-Girlfriends.
A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go?
: Because only in America do we trample each other for sales, just one day after being thankful for what we already have.
Think about it. The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
Tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.
In the 60's we had "Question Authority", 50 years later we have "Question the News Media"
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you'll see a picture of me. Well not yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I'm so angry at the leaves! I'm gonna yell at the trees...I'm going to throw rocks. Then burn pictures of sugar maples! Stop leaves...Stop!!
Daylight savings time change feels like a tax refund. You're just getting back something you didn't want taken from you in the first place.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Before asking me for life advice, you should know, I sometimes make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's Jump
When you think about it, a bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
Maybe all these angry politicians need is a #snickers
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled in the software.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their text messages with phone calls.
I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table decorations.
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow
If you are having problems getting your grown kids to call, change your Netflix Password and do not respond to their texts...
What if there's no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just actually cures everything?
Parenting is like being a juggler, but all of the balls are screaming, crying and covered in some sort of sticky substance.
Just tried to kill a spider with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
My wife probably tells me that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me..at least the commercials tell me so.
According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.
Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!
Fall Back 2016: The 2016 Time Change activerain.com/blogsview/4964…
I shall pass this way once; any good, that I can do or kindness that I can show, let me do so now. For I shall not pass this way again.
The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.
Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. Isn't that's the whole point of time travel!
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.