One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice….no they don’t, oh no they don’t.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
A kid playing Pokemon Go saw me playing Pokemon Go and had a look of horror like, “This is my future?!?”
I bet if Bon Jovi could actually turn back time he wouldn't do those awful DirecTV commercials.
God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.
Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.
Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I feel that I should be good at impaling zombies during the apocalypse.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my wife not to eat raw cookie dough.
Decorate your bedroom like your desk at work so you can fall asleep faster
IKEA and LEGO need to join forces, then kids can make our furniture for us.
The definition of irony: The state motto for New Hampshire is "Live Free or Die" which appears on license plates made by prisoners.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Volleyball is just a more intense version of "Don't let the Balloon Hit the Floor"
Remember boys and girls, to tip you waitress, not your cows...tipping cows spills your milk.
No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.
If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?
Why send one long text message when 10 shorter messages in a row can be much more annoying?
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.
I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs
Old age is the only disease that people don't look forward to being cured of.
All this tagless clothing makes getting dressed in the dark nearly impossible.
When teenagers say they "cleaned their room" what they really mean is that they cleared a narrow path from the door to the bed.
Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor
If Leonardo da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20160603-00463.jpg"
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren't just victims of Medusa?
When your child asks what it is like being a parent, wake them up at 3 in the morning to tell them that you can't sleep.
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat squirrels cross the road.
Automatic doors are making being a gentleman difficult. It doesn't seem as romantic rushing to jump in front of the sensor to open the door.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.
You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
"Thank God! They are finally taking these darn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.
The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I'll probably never be able to retire.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Did anyone ever realize that Girl Scouts is basically a brand-name cookie company that gets away with child labor?
W is one of only two letters that start with D.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.