I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their text messages with phone calls.
I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table decorations.
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow
If you are having problems getting your grown kids to call, change your Netflix Password and do not respond to their texts...
What if there's no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just actually cures everything?
Parenting is like being a juggler, but all of the balls are screaming, crying and covered in some sort of sticky substance.
Just tried to kill a spider with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
My wife probably tells me that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me..at least the commercials tell me so.
According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.
Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!
Fall Back 2016: The 2016 Time Change activerain.com/blogsview/4964…
I shall pass this way once; any good, that I can do or kindness that I can show, let me do so now. For I shall not pass this way again.
The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.
Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. Isn't that's the whole point of time travel!
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I hear music coming from my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.
I’m convinced that most Ikea employees are customers who didn’t know how to get out and just gave up.
Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I wonder how many of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant suit purchases?
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
What's up with these young men that my daughter brings home. They won't look me in the eye, and just stare at the shotgun I am holding.
Apparently when you get older, the term "get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning.
Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach offer unwanted advice in related Facebook groups all day.
Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.
The NFL Ignored My Warning -- and the TV Ratings Are Plummeting - The Rush Limbaugh Show rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2016/09/…
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside.
May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.
They lost me at the National Anthem. Will not watch overpaid athletes disrespect the flag and nation I served. #BoycottNFL #PHIvsCHI
I saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.
When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.
If you go to jail for Tax Evasion, you will be living off of tax money for not paying taxes
Here is a Poltical Idea: Debate Format Change: First Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.
"Pumpkin" is a nice thing to call someone, unless that person is overweight and wearing orange.
"Goldilocks and the Three Bears", Teaching kids it's ok to break into peoples homes, break their furniture and eat their food since 1837.
If you're buying Smart Water for $4 a bottle...I'm sorry to tell you this but it's not working.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn't related to any of them
I heard they invented a Glass Coffin, but I don’t know if it will catch on. Remains to be seen.
I wonder what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I tried to teach my dog to dance today. It was useless. He’s got two left feet.
Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...
You know you are tired when United Airlines tries to charge you for the bags under your eyes.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the bucket how she is doing.