Last night I had a pillow fight using my memory foam pillow. That's a fight I will never forget.
When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, and a Vegan gets turned into a Zombie, will it go around searching for Graiinnnzzzz?????
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.” - Zig Ziglar
I don't know why I don't buy more pinatas. Like right now. I would love to beat crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
We bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
We sent the B52's to North Korea. They will undoubtedly surrender once they have listened to Love Shack few times.
I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.
Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema.
Cold cereal is the sweatpants of food.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Just because I have lost my mind, does not mean that I am looking for it.
I should come with a warning label.
Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice. There are positives with the dark side...
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
All my ducks may not be in a row, but at least they are in the same pond.
I’m starting to think the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat for some sit-ups. I awoke 2 hours later.
I flew on United Airlines….. And all I got was this bloody t-shirt.
I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look… … I knew I was in hot water.
If you’re here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Bought the wife a maids outfit to liven things up indoors, didn’t work, the house is still dirty.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Some people should come with subtitles.
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. However, he's now recovered.
Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
After battling for years to overcome my addiction to hand sanitizer, I’m finally clean.
I remember when "selfies" were called "nobody else wants to take my picture."
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean basements.
The trouble with being punctual is there is nobody there to appreciate it.
Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.
Curosity killed the cat, but I suspected the neighbor kid for a while
Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Others, like insufficient funds.
“Can I pet him or will he bite?” is a fun thing to ask parents that keep their kid on a leash.
If the lightbulb had never been invented. How would we ever know when someone had a really good idea?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Napa Auto Parts still does not have my part in stock. Part number 121G...I still need a Delorean, but what is the point without that part?
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Technically egg salad is just another form of chicken salad.
All paths eventually lead to The Way. Choose your path and follow it.
No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.
When you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?