If your glass is always half empty, buy smaller glasses.
The grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs mowing too.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready." - Henry David...
Fighting online is so stupid. I mean, what are you gonna do? Busta CAPS LOCK on me?
I want my tombstone to say "Well, It didn't make me stronger."
Play poker with a bunch of origami enthusiasts. They just keep folding.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Wife says we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things
"Memory foam pillow fights". That's one fight you'll never forget.
I successfully snuck popcorn into the movie theater, but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
- We are just not going to put up with it anymore.
Today was a #LegDay
. I just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet? #PhoneBook
AT&T offered to give me a Galaxy 7 phone for free. I think AT&T is secretly trying to kill me...
After careful consideration there is a protest scheduled for tomorrow to challenge the recent decision on winter. #NotMyGroundhog
It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Twitter Activity".
How lazy have we gotten to change Babe to Bae and Ok to K? Are we really saving that much time?
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
Try to avoid things that make you look fat, like mirrors, scales, photographs and skinny people.
Milk: It starts out good, then becomes bad, then becomes disgusting, then becomes dangerous, then cheese. Way to turn it around, milk!
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it's in walking distance.
I have discovered that the older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I slept in and all the good choices were already taken.
So, why didn't they call Ms. Pac-Man, Pac- Ma'am?
I live by trial and error. Ok, mainly error, ok, a whole bunch of error, but I'm still trying.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Some people don't have issues… They have a lifetime subscription
Posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.
Don't have lunch with a chess player...it takes them 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Some people call it a dad bod...I'm going with Father Figure...
I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro.
Can open, worms everywhere! #canofworms
With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine. #pigswillfly
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires.
Did they come up with water resistant phones because of all the emotional teens that just cry all the time?
Are walruses just vampire manatees?
announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm, You may NOT want a phone that sets itself on fire, to be water resistant guys
I need something like an epi pen, but filled with caffeine. #Coffee
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. #newyear