Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.
You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
"Thank God! They are finally taking these darn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.
The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I'll probably never be able to retire.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Did anyone ever realize that Girl Scouts is basically a brand-name cookie company that gets away with child labor?
W is one of only two letters that start with D.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do...Literally, this game is too darn expensive.
I'm going to put up a For Sale sign in front of my neighbors house just to hope that the power of suggestion works.
Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders should put their heads together and figure a way to give everyone free college and make Mexico pay for it.
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
Sign at the Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’re in the right place.”
The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!
If your parents put up a "Slow Children" sign in front of your house as a kid, you should take it personally.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
The 5 second rule only applies if you do not have a 2 second dog.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it, actually I really could care less.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today's kids who don't remember when we had jungles. Or books...
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
How to tick off your neighbors: buy a puppy, give it the same name as thier kid.
Whats my favorite childhood memory? Not having bills.
I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Dear anonymous teenager. If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, interrupt MY day and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.
I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
Some of us are still “it” from a childhood game of tag.
I like going into McDonald's and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Pro Tip: If she starts her sentence by saying "I find it kinda funny", rest assured, she is not amused in the slightest.
This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
I was once kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
While someone is speaking to me at work, 80% of my inner dialogue is just wondering if my face looks interested.