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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Poor Richard Simmons. He got tangled in his work-out mat, and now he's a fruit roll-up
A good way to meet a lot of cops is to put a "Baby On Board" sticker on a picnic basket tied to a motorcycle.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini...I think.
fyi it turns out you CAN get kicked out of Jimmy John's for calling the sprouts "vegetable sperms" live and learn I guess
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man
At this point my body would probably mistake a vegetable for a virus and try to attack it.
"@Sinastr: First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us?" @mandabusta
Retweeted by sinastr
A great friend of ours @AnnaVocino is nude at this link. Click it often. #nsfw #sucker #nsng
I literally can not remember the last time i went to bed when the clock actually said “pm” on it
Can you read this? Retweet if you can.
Cake is like pussy. Never turn it down.
First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the
When you're not on Facebook, you have no idea what's going on with anyone else. It's fabulous.
If you have low self esteem read this.
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
If Twitter weren't for unconsidered blather, they wouldn't have named it after bird noises.
I really like money, but I don't like to work.
I just dropped a fart that sounded like I got the wrong answer on a game show.
The dogs funeral will be in the morning.
#sexy and a bitch vs #cute and amazing which do you choose?
Sometimes you just aren't meant to be with the one you love
I honestly have the best friends and best life lately ☺️ #thankful #happy
Retweeted by sinastr
Ladies I'm picking on you tonight. Is this true?
If you give up sorrow you let joy in.
My nephew: "Sometimes it gets puffy and I can't pee" Me: "Yeah, unfortunately when you get older it gets puffy and you can't think"
I'm so happy to see the new version of this #poor
If you’re a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversatio
I'm sorry I called you an asshole. I thought you knew.
How do you tell a friend their breath stinks without being rude? "I'm bored, let's brush our teeth!"
A hot babe said we could have sex if monkeys fly out of her ass, so tonight I meet with a zoologist, proctologist and some guy from NASA.
The total age of the women I've slept with this year is 132, which would be so much more impressive if it was more than two women.
My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.
I'm 1% inspiration, 1% perspiration, 98% masturbation.
Ugh, I am swamped at work today. *stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours
Whenever I have doubts as to my race, I just scrunch up a piece of paper & shoot at a waste basket... Anyway, today! I am definitely white.
So, you know how they put that magic hat on Frosty and it makes him talk? I wonder if there's one that works in reverse, but for children.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If you survived a shark attack, nice job, asshole. You just missed out on the coolest way to die.