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I used an emoticon with a nose once. It was stupid and embarrassing. I wouldn't recommend it.
Joint Facebook accounts are the couples sitting on the same side of the booth of the internet.
At least once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I wonder what Kirstie Alley is putting frosting on right now.
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
Happy Easter from Louisiana
My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
It doesn't matter where you are, an old lady is about to be in your way.
This bottle of vodka was on sale. So yes, I will party like it's $19.99.
IMAGINE THIS!! a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can't tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.
Teen girl in mirror "I look like death!" [Meanwhile in Hell] Death scoffs & flips his hair "Yeah, as if"
"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man
My wife and I always joke around. She'll ask "What were you doing?", then we'll both laugh and then I go make sure I cleared my web history.
In case you were wondering how many cups of coffee spilled on the carpet it takes to fuck up my entire morning the answer is one.
"I thought I'd thaw a pussy cat." -- dogs deciding what to take out of the freezer for dinner
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn't mean to eat it. I don't want to be a bug.
Deaf people have no idea why the rest of us think farts are funny.
Today's the day I finally get my shit togethe
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years
So this girl makes her own hummus. We're in different tax brackets I'm guessing. :(