It takes more strength to leave when the situation is bad than to stay
The new #kfc
commercials are horrible. #Hulu
find new advertisers please!!!!
It's friday!!! Shut up and dance!!!
play games. But my female friends you are as good at them as any man is. #gamespeopleplay
I feel so accomplished!! I made it to the toilet just as the coffee was kicking in.
And we should all do this!!! pic.twitter.com/pKXZdGwmRl
Things never ask dad to do pic.twitter.com/G4gyNO8ICH
They say 1 is the loneliest number, but I bet 0 is even lonelier. Not only is he a single digit; he's fat.
What really sucks.....Some of the greatest rock n roll music is now used for elevator music, & Poise commercials! #FeelingOLD
When you are having a horrible day it's ok to tell people you are doing fine. #harmlesswhitelies
Being calculated and having the ability to play good cop that is a great skill to possess
"Oh my god! That guy's dead! Oh wait, he's totally fine." (someone watching soccer for the first time)
Don't exercise so you can live longer. Exercise so when you're about to die you can think, "at least I don't have to exercise anymore".
This will make you feel old: Die Hard came out 26 years ago today.
When your best friends mom shares a Facebook post of yours did you win or lose
Don't let rage cloud your judgement. You'll lose.
Good morning!!! Rise and shine!! Shit it's a holiday!! I can never get up in Monday's. Except for today. #HappyMemorialDay
"Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you've been wearing the same outfit all week is you" - my fashion blog
What's truly horrifying is when my generation starts having children on purpose.
I became a victim of my own crime, I just sat on a toilet seat after I left the lid up
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
What would you do if your daughter brought him home pic.twitter.com/RykjzmZXjd
"Do or do not. There is no try."
I just want to have a long enough career in show business so I can become eccentric and bring a goat to a meeting or some shit
birthday!!! Happy Birthday you amazing lady!!!
I'd like to hear Tony the Tiger's opinion on other products before he tells me how great his cereal is.
I really hope the word "sodomized" doesn't appear in my autopsy report.
If you’re a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversatio
"Try to score a goal. Don't use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I'll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
The original name for Jabba the Hut was Denise but it didn't test well. #FakeStarWarsFacts
Doughnuts and coffee. Are better than ex lax
You have been a waitress here for 6 years and can't keep my coffee cup full and move the dirty dishes. @WaffleHouse #walker #ihoprules
Calling you "mine" has more meaning than any cute nickname I'll ever give you...