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How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? 11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.
My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like
Always have a quest.
Arrested for not picking up after his seeing eye dog, the blind man pleaded, "I didn't see shit!"
If Twitter has taught me anything in 6 years, it's "that" is the most unnecessary word in the English language.
remember teens, u don’t need to have premarital sex to be “cool.” something as simple as smoking at church or shoplifting will do the
Local News. A couple turned themselves into police. Wonder what they were before.
I'd get a lot more sleep if I didn't insist on reading the entire internet every night.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Guys. This is a complete list of of ways to win an argument with a woman.
When a bathroom smells like a hamburger joint. I get worried #atwork
Happy Thursday!!
Happy Thursday!!
There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.
I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.
every Lifetime movie needs a scene where a woman angrily packs a suitcase
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish & he'll plan fishing trips with his buddies to escape from his annoying wife.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive? #LunchTimeFun
I am not saying "shot" or "ducking" autocorrect take note.
"Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun." - cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
It sucks when you try to join a gang in a new city and find out none of your street creds transferred.
If you can control your desires your desires must be weak.