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"I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet." - girls
.@RealRonJeremy we can't wait to perform with you tomorrow! Here's a link for tickets for your fans:…
Retweeted by sinastr
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Finally found my ex girlfriends #coke can
2 lips are better than 1 #bachelornation
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.
FOX Now and CNBC channels arrive on Apple TV… via @appletvhacks
Good morning. The invasion has began!!!!
Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
If you don't work for it. You probably don't deserve it.
Everybody on earth has that one person that they wish they could wake up next to. Mine is a grilled cheese sandwich.
If by musician you mean excellent at playing dumb, then yes, I'm a Rock Star.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What's that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Shopping when hungry means you end up buying food you will regret. Apply the same rule for not being too horny when going to the clubs/bars.