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A man does not open a door for a woman because she can't he does it to show respect
"Seriously, is that what I look like?" - robot watching a guy 'doing the robot'
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I thought about logging into Myspace, but the Delorean is in the shop.
Every time I see anteaters in a restaurant, they always order the same thing.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like "chemotherapy, dude" & I was like, "whatever, racist" cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I'm sorry. The married mans go to words
Man tried flirting with #Adidas customer service
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
I just realized that I get most of my news from Twitter. So... someone remind me what Pres Bieber's health care bill will do to your mom?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a 'dignified' cover up...!!
Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
some nights I just lay in my bed with my headphones in and think about everything
@nicolestwat @Sinastr That isn't what you said last night!!!
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Vampires!! RT @Sinastr: Love bites and reality bites. What else bites?
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"Ooo, you better watch out, he's got the magic stick!" "Stop it you guys. I'm gonna tell." 50 Cent in elementary school.
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Someone got locked in the tiny prayer room at church during off hours & was stuck there for 2 hours!
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915---killing me. I feel what's happening.
Love bites and reality bites. What else bites?
I promise one day when you wake up it just won't hurt any more
Never knew your heart break can make you physically ill
To my date tonight: getting a buzz is cool. Stupid drunk---not cool. You embarrassed me and yourself.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse is less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.
I asked the grocery store man if they had eggnog and he's like "We only carry it at Christmastime" so I was all "Whatever, Hitler."
Total eclipse of the heart
@Sinastr Well to be correct she would be farting, come 2 think she had an adams apple I don't, whats that old saying about woman's bitching?
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They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in '72.
Silence is the best answer at times.
What is the most powerful drug? pussy. Any one disagree?
Stare at the waitress's boobs when you tell her you want "everything" on your sandwich. Ya never know...
All the doctors at this hospital must have gone to This-Piece-Of-Medical-Equipment-Is-Not-A-Toy University and majored in "boring".
I realized my ex was fucking crazy when....
The Michelin Man is the most racist mascot in corporate history, because TIRES ARE BLACK.
It's like these birds don't even know that it's the crack of fuck on a mother fucking Saturday morning.
"Each woman who lives in the light of eternity can fulfill her vocation, no matter if marriage, religioius, or secular St. Teresa Benedicta
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"there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke" - Charles Bukowski
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This is truly my favorite book!!!
Sunday afternoon naps on the couch with someone. Yay or nay?
@KatragaddaCMC: @Sinastr Are you infected with Oedipus complex lately ? along with narcissism ?” Yes
@Sinastr that confirms & testifies your narcissist A holery !
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Something people in Walmart have? Colds. Something people in Walmart are missing? Ankles.