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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?
Dude, I can't tweet AND know when the light turns green. I'm pretty, not magical.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I wanna be the reason you're crying on the Maury Povich Show.
Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.
Whenever I'm feeling hopeful for future generations, I squelch it by watching my children move their heads instead of their toothbrushes.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? 11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.
My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like
Always have a quest.
Arrested for not picking up after his seeing eye dog, the blind man pleaded, "I didn't see shit!"
If Twitter has taught me anything in 6 years, it's "that" is the most unnecessary word in the English language.
remember teens, u don’t need to have premarital sex to be “cool.” something as simple as smoking at church or shoplifting will do the
Local News. A couple turned themselves into police. Wonder what they were before.
I'd get a lot more sleep if I didn't insist on reading the entire internet every night.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Guys. This is a complete list of of ways to win an argument with a woman.
When a bathroom smells like a hamburger joint. I get worried #atwork
Happy Thursday!!
Happy Thursday!!
There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.
I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.
every Lifetime movie needs a scene where a woman angrily packs a suitcase