A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: gq.com/blogs/the-feed…
"I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That's a parasite...Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it."
"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."
"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: bit.ly/HQxDee
"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls
out today. An excerpt: es.pn/IVV45i
"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book bit.ly/I3iuqC
"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: bit.ly/I3iuqC
"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: bit.ly/I3iuqC
"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. bit.ly/isuckatgirls
"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. grantland.com/story/_/id/765…
"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."
A response to my dad's question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?" grantland.com/blog/hollywood…
My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world. funnyordie.com/articles/32226…
"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."
"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
A short story about why my dad thinks Father's Day is bullshit. scr.bi/ixOHFe
"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."
"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you're in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It's like a T-rex that shit himself."
"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
"I just don't wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I'm plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can't say."
"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years
just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"
"No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."
"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
Sorry, shit my dad says got hacked. My dad isn't trying to sell you a crappy lap top, I promise. Don't open any links.
"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."
"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."
"Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?" (Show airs tonight! 830/730c CBS)
"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old."
"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there." (Book On Sale Today!) tinyurl.com/yc79h4l
“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."