God spoke to me today but only gave me one Powerball number.
never know if im dancing right
One day Ke$ha will run out of words that rhyme with beer and it'll be all over.
I love restaurants that have signs like "Since 1916". It's a great way to know the place you're eating at was probably super racist.
This makes me giggle every time I see it. :) Family Guy Brian and the neighbors dog: youtu.be/MSDBw2eDOtc
via @YouTube @SethMacFarlane
-- bringing extra stools to the saloon pic.twitter.com/okbbWzRvut
Someone's gonna go through these tweets later and edit them, right?
Welcome, everyone, to the Wild West. There's a million ways to die, just ask @SethMacFarlane pic.twitter.com/8kBVSJJ6ug
On nights when I'm feeling freaky, I hire a tough chick to come to my house and write mean reviews about me.
If I was homeless, I would roam the halls of the Four Seasons eating off discarded room service carts. I might do it anyway.
"Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" "Neither. It's annoying me you're so proud of yourself for having news."
Everyone who's said, "You haven't seen the last of me!" after being kicked off a reality show has never been seen again.
In case you hear a cell phone in the background of A Million Ways To Die In The West, some historians say they had those back then.
"It's time for a leader who can't pee her name in snow." -- provisional Hillary '16 slogan
At car wreck: "Let's exchange insurance information." "Okay, mine are total dicks." "Mine too."
Waiter: “And have you eaten here before?” Me: “No, but I’ve eaten at a restaurant before. I think I’ll figure it out.”
Happy Press Freedom Day! Nice work, you guys-- keep doing Woodward and Bernstein proud by chronicling Jessica Simpson's ass.
If for no other reason than to mess with some heads, Will and Jada Smith should adopt a poor white baby.
"Let's hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina." - Friendship
“You know how supermarkets have a huge selection of all your favorite brands? That’s terrible, right?” --Trader Joe’s
Good for Jason Collins. Now if only a showbiz person were to come out as gay, we’d really be in business.
“Wow, if only I could watch this book in 3D!” -- no readers of “The Great Gatsby,” ever
If you keep making the national anthem your own, I'm gonna put my hat back on.
'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech | 'No, Really, Fuck Every One Of You'
Watching CNN for news is like watching "Patch Adams" for medical advice.
📈📉📊 I can't imagine these emoticons get much use. Not a lot of high-level execs texting "OMG how effing sick was this fiscal quarter!!"
"It's slobberin' time!" -- The Thing in a nursing home
Finally got around to reading Stephen King's 11/22/63-- a truly compelling, beautiful story. Highly recommend it.
If I had a daughter I would either want her to be a doctor or get drunk on MTV and fuck random guys.
In Focus: Incoming North Korean Missile Intercepted By Deion Sanders onion.com/ZxvJdV
Be honest. Should I buy this right now? pic.twitter.com/pZmKAm4dAz
// Fuck yes
I’ve Had Some Pretty Fucked Up Bread Thoughts Lately | Commentary By A Duck onion.com/11CmzLy
Filming A Million Ways to Die in the West. Fun being in a climate where you have to drink 9,000 glasses of water a day or you drop dead.
: Im sorry i dont even know this dog but it's hysterical. instagram.com/p/YbwaexOWa6/
// I know that dog. He's VERY conservative.
A Hummer limo is a great way to show people you'd be an asshole all the time, if you just had the money.
[American Voices] “Let the interstellar human infestation begin!” onion.com/11ep3ya
They should definitely add a count of "backwards hat" to the Boston bomber's charges.
I wish I was as good at anything as gay men are at pretending they're glad to see someone.
Love my pals at Fox, but the fact that a Big Bang Theory RERUN just beat American Idol delights me. Yay scripted shows. Boo reality shows.
Conspiracy theorists have obviously never worked in an office. All people do is talk about stuff they were supposed to keep secret.
I'm no genius but maybe start by questioning the people who gave a "Thumbs Down" on YouTube to the FBI surveillance video.
There's no crime in being ignorant. Problems arise when people who don't know they're ignorant rise to power.
Senate rejects gun background checks. Mentally ill people rejoice.
the cow says SHAAAAAZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Yeah no, it's cool, we'll go around. pic.twitter.com/xi1KypGGo0
: Seth i just downloaded your movie "Ted" for free. // I vow that I will not rest until I see you behind bars.
what is that one movie you can watch over and over? // Defending Your Life. @AlbertBrooks
"What if he said 'awkward" in a sing-songy style, like 'awk-warrrrd'?" - comedy writer about to be fired.
Whats your favorite album? I want to expand my musical horizons // Sinatra - In The Wee Small Hours