not your best.
Brake lights should just be a light-up "Fuck You" sign.
Okay Carrie Underwood, we get it, you're an atheist.
"Let us pause and give thanks for the fact that Nelson Mandela lived." —President Obama
I get where you're coming from but maybe don't "Like" the Nelson Mandela Dies at 95 articles on Facebook.
The closest I'll probably ever come to time travel is meeting someone who's still offended by swearing.
hitting the nail on the head again. pic.twitter.com/tjnI9c81Bq
A tiny part of me hopes the guy on the Clif Bar wrapper falls.
Just ran a twelve minute mile. A small boy who kept passing me eventually became an old man in a bushy beard wearing a silver space suit.
Wow, just read a scathing New York Times review of A Million Ways to Die in the West.
“What’s your second-filthiest clothing item? Let’s fill it with holiday food!” --Christmas stockings
Bravo should do a reality show about women who have jobs.
Mos Eisley now has a farmer’s market on Wednesdays, so things are lookin’ up!
I told a guy who cut me off in traffic to suck my cock and he did and it was amazing and that was a year ago today and we're still together.
FACT: Animals have been known to escape zoos, even risking their lives to do so. Wouldn't you do the same? #CaptivityKills
This Week's Top Slideshow: 10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running onion.com/IClS0d
This barn likes to sing opera pic.twitter.com/PslN8n6gHk
This guy is trying to pick a fight pic.twitter.com/GjX093j5SF
Seriously though, you guys, what do you all think about Israel? Let’s solve this thing right here on Twitter.
“klik here 4 insurance haha psych!” --healthcare.gov in text message form
You can't cut in line here at Epcot Centre, even if you are pregnant or something is wrong with you.
Thanks to @pepsi
for sending us a new machine this afternoon. It works great & anyone who doesn't drink @pepsi
products is a you-know-what.
- You guys are great when it comes to excuses. Tired of the nonsense.
We're still having problems with the @pepsi
machine here. It's very frustrating and we are seriously considering switching to @CocaCola
LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ASSHOLE!
- people backing into parking spots
I'm considering tweeting "I'm a grown ass, woman!" w/ a picture of an adult donkey next to a woman. What do you guys think? Notes, etc. Thx!
Time to sit back and watch your family's Thanksgiving dinner conversation follow the same progression of every YouTube comment thread.
Looks exactly like the Rupert factory, @SethMacFarlane
: Abandoned doll factory in Spain pic.twitter.com/pCzpA3SWAz
Hey, you got no beef if you're getting Dale Robertson AND Rory Calhoun in the same movie.
Yep, good 'ol Robert Wagner.
*drag from pipe*
*lifts newspaper & gives it a shake*
Hollywood has never really had a subtle touch. pic.twitter.com/MakOyQAoMQ
NPR is on minute nine of people describing their favorite pies in case you're wondering why people risk everything to live in America.
Sunday 11/24 check out my TV wife @AlexBorstein
in her new @HBO
do you ever tweet your own material? // I tend to save it for the talking pictures.
"I read a tweet and now I changed my mind" - Nobody
Check out @DavidAGoodman
's episode of DADS tonight on Fox!
If your interview starts on Page 4 and continues on pages 37, 62, and 89, I'm not gonna make it.
Great way to get out of work early - take out pair of binoculars. Look off into distance. Say, "Shit, I gotta go." Leave.
Reading the Sunday paper but can't find the part where I add a cunty comment.
Squirrels don’t seem very decisive.
If universal health care for 350 million people doesn't work the first minute we try doing it, it's not worth doing.
Everyone's favorite story is how much you're tired and why.
Great moon tonight. I can see Gleason's face.
Girl: I can't meet a guy.
Girl: I'm talking to my friend.