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comedychildren 13,946 followers
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Sorry I didn’t meet the height requirement to ride your emotional roller coaster.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
She fought the technician and the technician won.
1st appointment. Not a happy camper.
OMG, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WATCH!! This (almost) makes me wish I were a lesbian! I love you, @TheEllenShow!
RT @Carbosly Don’t forget to take a personality test today & let Facebook tell you what kind of person you are. Spoiler: you’re a loser.
It really needs to be policy! RT @MensHumor: When Starbucks doesn’t sell Uggs... #url#
And THIS is why I get up in the morning. Silly husband... HE thinks I get up to feed the cat! #FreePass
We have a meeting with "THE TEACHER" at 8:00 am and I can't find my brain. It was here when I went to bed last night —anyone seen it?
Maybe if we pay teachers more this shit wouldn't happen.
THIS. THIS is the difference between Christmas and Halloween! I’m already two bags in!
No, FB... I don't want to boost my post. People are either going to LIKE this shit or not, but I'm not not gonna pay YOU for THEM to do it!
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Even the hottest guy looks like a idiot when he sneezes.
All that drama and she ended up getting the mist. #tearsforfears
“Why am I naked?” (no idea. I just told you that to see if you’d DO IT) *Laughs* “Seriously?” At least she’s smiling now! ;-)
They should call it an iPhone 6 Flush. I just dropped mine in the toilet.
Hmmm... Checkup or flu shot; tomato, tomaaaaato. Someone is not very happy today.
Don’t even get me started on the $2k bill they just hit me with on a foreclosed property we rented four years ago (that WAS RESOLVED)!!
Our water bill was almost double this month and we had ZERO water ON FRIGGIN’ LABOR DAY!! But I guess THIS is okay?
I would like to know why the @bbb_us hasn't done a thorough investigation at the City of Atlanta's Watershed Management. #$DownTheDrain
that awkward moment when you walk into a public restroom while someone is KILLING IT and they come out when you're washing your hands.
The good news is 'I'm not dying.' The bad news is 'I'm not dying.' Can't believe I sold my car for this!
I'm at the doctor and just sat on some guys biz card from @CooperCarry and now I want to be his friend. What should I do?
Sooo... I went to the #MysteriesofLaura #TwitterParty last night and THIS is what was going on in the background!
Who let the dog(s) out? Who? Who? YOU DID, asshole... Next time SHUT THE DOOR!
I kind of love the fact that @ShttyMom follows me on #Twitter. It gives me hope. #parentingadvice
Teachers who schedule "assessments" with me at eight o'clock in the morning should be prepared to do at least three shots —NOT ESPRESSO!
One mom's fight against sass talk... MT @HuffPostBlog: "Remember that I read 'Goodnight Moon' to you 461 times..."
A delicious snack for #parents RT @clarkekant: Times have gotten so tough in our house, the cockroaches went on strike. So we ate them.
I'm so old, I shop at Forever 36.
Thanks to all who showed up last nite! I still wanna know if @DebraMessing has a mini bar in the back of that squad car?! #MysteriesofLaura
I pretty much just shoveled an entire turkey burger down in one bite while mixing a one-handed drink. Let's see you do THAT, @NBCLaura! #WCW
Seriously @nbc, if you add @NBCBlacklist to your #WCW lineup, I'd never leave the house! #MysteriesofLaura #ChicagoPD #SVU
Uh! Mah! Gah! Why is it than when I ever ask him to watch the girl, they start fighting? Thank you, DVR... My hero! #ad #MysteriesofLaura
So I'm TRYING to watch #MysteriesofLaura over a SCREAMING MATCH going on in the next room between father & daughter. GO TO BED! #ad
Grab a snack and get ready for the premier of #MysteriesofLaura on @nbc starting NOW! Thanks for hanging out! #ad #MysteriesofLaura #WCW
OK, Not gonna lie... Even if he DIDN'T rip it off, I'd lick the screen. But if the hub asks, I ran out of Pledge. #WCW #ad #MysteriesofLaura
If he (@JoshLucas) DID rip his shirt off and I just so happened to walk past the TV... I'd TOTALLY lick it. #WCW #ad #MysteriesofLaura
I wonder if @JoshLucas is going to rip off that shirt off for any reason? I mean... I'm asking for a friend. #WCW #ad #MysteriesofLaura
Who's watchin' tonight? Seriously... It's on in like 17 minutes! Premier #MysteriesofLaura 8/7c on @nbc #WCW #ad
I dare you to look at this and tell me you're not afraid! #WCW #ad Premier #MysteriesofLaura TONIGHT 8/7c on @nbc
YEAH it does! ;-) RT @debthompson: Tequila works, bottoms up! RT @sassypiehole: Shoot, I only have Tequila! #MysteriesofLaura #ad
Ya know, as much as I love @DebraMessing, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to piss her off in the carpool line?! #WCW #ad #MysteriesofLaura
Shoot, I only have Tequila! RT @debthompson: I brought wine! RT @sassypiehole: It's PARTY time! Anyone bring quarters? #MysteriesofLaura #ad