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comedychildren 15,113 followers
I gave up Lent for Lent thirty years ago. Now I just smear ash on my forehead to fit in.
This is what happens when a group of seven-year-olds get together and come up with a list of baby names:…
Waiting for school to start so I can clean the house will be the highlight of my day.
If procrastination were a super power, I would rule the world. #cleaning
II can see how that could be a challenge.
Sorry I said "You'll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
How To Make A Bed The Lazy Man's Way: via @YouTube
Wanna know what happened yesterday? This is exactly the kind of shit that makes me wish I was invisible.…
If I were Miley's grandma, I'd make everyone call me "Granna Montana." Then I'd cut her out of my will until she stopped licking things.
How does Teflon stick to a pan if nothing sticks to it?
If Jimmy cracked corn and you don't care, why did you write a song about it?
I wish someone would invent a money scented perfume so I could at least "smell" rich.
I hate how you can't talk in the library, but you can whisper really loud.
Every time I find myself wishing I was a less offensive and more caring individual, I meet some asshole that justifies my existence.
"You'd better pick that lip up off the floor before the dog confuses it for a link of sausage." ...and other bad parenting tips from mom.
The hub said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I ate an entire bag of chips and slept on the couch.
"Daddy said school is delayed until 10:00!" (I know) "How does everybody know this before ME?!" (magic 8 ball) "Seriously?"
Me: Do you think I’m brave? Wife: You jumped when the toast came out of the toaster Me: Everyone does Wife: Then you cried for 9 minutes.
Woke up this morning and everything felt tight. I could barely even zip up my pants! And then it hit me... #FatTuesday #excuses
If Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil had a party, I bet somebody would trip over one of their ego's and end up needing a REAL doctor.
I ran a Bates Motel marathon this weekend and all I can think about is that damn dog in his room.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
It only took me 47 years to realize that Daphne's eyes go from black to blue to purple. I always thought it was mom's brownies.
Even if you don't like him, you gotta love his sense of humor. #PresidentsDay #ThanksObama
Looks like Cupid's aim was a little off.
4-year-old: My friend stole my red crayon and left me an orange one. Me: What did you do? 4-year-old: I drew him on fire.
The only math I’m good at is adding insult to injury.
Yes. There actually IS a right way to open a coconut and sometimes it pays to listen.
15 minutes of laughter followed by a prescription for lithium. That's the LAST time I asked my therapist if I'm progressing!
How the fuck did anyone help their kids with homework before google?
I feel like I'm hung over, but I haven't had a drink since before Christmas. It's true what they say… Karma really is a bitch!
I wish she'd cut the shit with that mean face. It's not MY fault the line is so long!
My dads a complete idiot who drives me crazy 99.9% of the time, but dammit, I fucking love that guy.
People in Atlanta drive like assholes. But not me. I drive like a proctologist who’s late for a meeting.
The last two minutes on an elliptical machine are like a visit from the MIL. <<insert punchline here>>
Michele Ferrero, the maker of @NutellaUSA, dies on Valentine's Day which only proves my theory: Love hurts.
The only thing worse than "bowling arm" was my score last night. Not to brag, but I did win Best Spirit. I OWNED those gutter balls!
So THIS is what it's like to go out at night on a Saturday.
(why don’t you quit what you’re doing and come eat) “I’m not finished yet!” (even designers stop for lunch) “Not the GOOD ones!”
LMAO @Super_Cynthia RT @HuffingtonPost: 20 hilarious tweets from women this week
It's Valentine's Day, so I think I'll wear the jade dress to my pretend dinner.
Love is in the air today. Hold your fucking breath.