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Retweeted by ryan
How @HarryConnickJR didn't knock his face in is beyond me. What a punk. #AmericanIdol
We just saw Quentin transform into Kanye before our eyes. #AmericanIdol
Well that was the most entertaining performance of the season. #AmericanIdol
News flash everyone: Drake's legs work. He's no longer on Degrassi. If he didn't want Madonna to kiss him he would have moved.
Just saw the hottest guy and his license plate was "captn" and I'm sure I've found my husband everyone.
I will never fuck anyone that owns an Apple watch.
This one goes out to all of the haters
Grocery store clerk: "Paper or plastic?" Me: "Bitch, I don't have time for that stress in my life!!"
I wish the best for all my exes...April fools I hope they suffer.
Raise your hand if you ever felt personally victimized by a psychic. *raises hand*
Don't talk to me like we're in the notebook when you treat me like a post-it.
I wouldn't pay $19.99 a month if Alicia keys sang in my fucking living room. #tidalfornobody
Why does Tara Reid look like Christie Brinkley's grandmother?
It was 63 degrees on Antarctica!? We can't even break 55 here wtf.
I don't like it when gays dress like power lesbians.
I will be the first to buy front row seats to @MarthaStewart 's first stand up show. #wasphumor
Waspy white humor is the best type of humor. I need to work on my Connecticut accent.
Martha Stewart is going innnnnn! #BieberRoast
Justin Bieber is the blackest Mexican white person I've ever seen.
Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: I lost my iPhone charger Operator: That's not an emer- Me: l'm at 20% Operator: Dispatch all units!
Heartbreak makes me feel alive
I'm done being gay, everyone. Someone just asked me to shit on them.
Well tonight I ALMOST stole a lamp and then screamed at a package of lunch meat. So overall pretty successful.
operator: 911, what's your emergency? me: *muffled breath*
I love that Angelina Jolie showed up to the fucking kids choice awards. Goddess.
Children who want to be slimed are the future drug users of America. #KidsChoiceAwards
I'm watching the kids choice awards alone while eating a granola bar. Saturday nights, am I right!?
Just be thankful we don't live in an alternate reality where Zayn never made it through the choreography round #weloveyouzayn
They have an emoji for every phase of the moon but I get dirty looks when I suggest they make one for gay sex.
Is it bad I that I just want to be famous so I can go on talk shows and eventually end up on celebrity apprentice?
I think I'm going spray tanning today. I'm praying I look like a Kardashian after this.
I'm really tired but also really want to go to a 24 hour cvs and shop.
I'm getting Zayn's face tattooed under my eyelids so I'll never forget this day. #WeSupportYouZayn
How to get a boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen! #grindrproblems #foreveralone
How am I supposed to move forward when my heart is split in two directions? #AlwaysInOurHeartsZaynMalik
I wonder how many obligations I can get out of by saying "Zayn is gone how dare you!" #OneDirection #ByeZayn
When you let yourself freeze to death to get away from a stage five clinger.
Waiting for Zayn's solo career to start yesterday. #OneDirection #ZaynMalik
When people ask me why I watch Judge Judy this is why.
I only want a boyfriend for rainy days.
But seriously "stars are blind" is a great fucking song. @ParisHilton
I've never been so proud of my Twitter banner. @eileen_davidson #howdareyou
I want to see Cinderinna made into a movie. @lisarinna

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