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Jeff Ross
You. RT @iamdiddy Who do you think stands between you and happiness?
One of the toughest races tonight. Not happy with 9th in points. Will be back way stronger next year.
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Saturday night's alright for fighting. I predict a 1st place finish for this mofo @MarcoAndretti #MavTV500 #indycar
Your Uber will arrive in 4 days.
I want to be the first openly terrible player in the NFL.
Anyone got an iphone 2 charger? My shit is low.
Pussy. RT @therealrussellp Had the pleasure of meeting Tarter Sauce aka "Grumpy Cat". She's so little & cute!!!
Mazel Tov! My pals @bonniemcfarlane & @RichVos just gave birth to a new documentary titled, "Women Aren't Funny"
New York, LA, Washington - thank you for the amazing time we shared together. Now it's time for me to head back home! #SA
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Don't worry folks, @Joan_Rivers won't die because she refuses to follow Robin Williams. Get well mama. We need you.
Couldn't sleep. Upstairs neighbor's kid practicing his Uzi half the night. Must have an exam today. In my day we played with nunchuks. #fml
I'd pray to God for her healthy recovery but she is my God. Love you @Joan_Rivers ! 
Also, "socks" are a real game changer. Thinking of getting some more. Anybody know where I can get some "blue" or "grey" socks?
Recently discovered the joys of "brushing your teeth". Everybody should try it at least once. I highly recommend it! #yolo
Uzi lessons - the only time the teachers are the ones raising their hands.
My parents were strict - didn't let me take Uzi lessons until I was almost eleven.
This Roast Battle went off the rails. Bedlam broke out!! #shockingViolence @ The World Famous Comedy…
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I accepted the #ALSIceBucketChallenge in front of 12,000 witnesses at #Oddballfest and my penis got frostbite.
Should be a fun @RoastBattle midnight tonight at @TheComedyStore. No cover but must have thick skin to attend.
Congrats to @chelseahandler for your amazing run on E! and for being on Byron Allen's "Comic's Unleashed" last night.
Had a crazy dream that @SarahKSilverman rubbed my belly at #Oddballfest and won an Emmy! Yay! Wahoo! #WeAreMiracles
Ugh. It's 2014 and still no "Best Performance At A Roast" category at #VMA's or #Emmys. #equality
.@realjeffreyross is fighting to cure ALS. Now it's time to fight through some sit-ups. #icebucketchallenge
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Thx to cousin Rona & @starbop for the challenge. Now I challenge all my followers to take off your clothes & get wet #ALSIceBucketChallenge
I accepted the #ALSIceBucketChallenge on stage last night at #Oddballfest Jones Beach. Here's the money shot.
@realjeffreyross Great job hosting #OddballFest and on showing your "innie" to the audience after your #IceBucketChallenge 😜
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@realjeffreyross SO MANY intermission HJ's in Hand job Hills right now #OddballFest
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Ladies and gentleman, @realjeffreyross will be your host for the hilarity tonight. Photo credit: @CorradoPhoto
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Hey Wantagh Oddballers! We got your set times for ya!
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Thinking of accepting the ALS #IceBucketChallenge during #Oddballfest in NY tonite. Seems more fun than the Starbucks Hot Coffee Challenge.
Thanks Bridget! Xo RT @bridgeteverett @realjeffreyross @attell you guys are masters and i would watch you every night. thank you! xx
Wow delivery only took 4 yrs RT @BrianBenning2 @realjeffreyross hey RoastMaster check what arrived in the mail today.
Shout out to fat people with tans!
Sympathy retweet RT @RachelFeinstein I'll B at Yuk Yuk's in Edmonton ths wknd, Aug 22 & 23! Get tix hre:
Comedy is important and we need to laugh more than ever.
I wouldn't ____ you with _________'s ____.
@JohnStamos Happy Birthday! Don't worry we know a Plastic Surgeon who can easily make you look like a young John Stamos! Enjoy. We love you.
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My god. The audience is huge! @realjeffreyross @OddballFest My husband and I were in the front row to your left."
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