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Elizabeth Windsor
The DoE is fairly sure that "the B in Mel B stands for 'Badger's arse'; as in as rough as". Can't argue. #XFactor
Was Cheryl Cole, or whatever she's called this week, dressed by Disney? #XFactor
Friday, Friday, one's gotta get down on Friday.
Just watching Crimewatch. Or, as it used to be called, Top of the Pops.
Nothing productive has ever been achieved on a Thursday. That's all one's saying. #BackToBed
Nicola Sturgeon is to become the new SNP leader, in keeping with their policy of appointing people with fish-like names.
Kim Jong Un on the phone. Says he's been out of view due to catching up on the last series of Downton Abbey on DVD. He's up to date now.
Text from Nick Clegg: "Dave says we're checking for Ebola at airports this week. I'm really pleased. I hate Ebola hats anyway" Not replying.
Nurses and ambulance staff are on strike today, so if you could not be ill or injured that would be enormously helpful. Thank you so much.
If it is (a) raining or (b) cold where you are, it's actually the law that you can take a day off. Not you Clegg. #DuvetDay
Someone get one a fried egg on toast and a bucket of tea. Queen Mother of a hangover. #SweatingGin
Linnet the corgi farts every time Nigel Farage is on TV. Which is every sodding five minutes. Thought it was the Camilla at first. Awkward.
Asked Angelina Jolie to form a Government. Said she'd think about it but not in coalition with Clegg or Farage.
Text from George Osborne: "UKIP if you want to, we're not for kipping! BOOM! LOLZ". Moron.
David Cameron on the phone. Crying. #UKIP
Australian woman found after being lost in the bush for 17 days. Prince Andrew says it reminds him of life with the Duchess of York. Awkward
Thursday is cancelled, due to lack of interest. #BackToBed
Is there any archive Top of the Pops footage the BBC can play? Awkward.
Christ, is the Lib Dem conference still not finished?! The DoE says it's far too long to spend wearing sandals.
Reigning from home today.
Nick Clegg has launched a "scathing attack" on the Tories. One can only imagine how terrifying that must be.
It's just a little crush, not like one faints every time we touch.
The DoE thinks Claudia Winkleman's hair has been cut by the council. #Strictly
Someone get one a fried egg sandwich and a cup of tea.
Having, what we call in the Royal Household, a piss up. #OnIt
Sod it, that's enough for one week. Have an early finish people. If anyone asks, tell them the Queen said it was ok. #GinOClock
Oh look, it's 'national buy the Queen's new book day'. #YourQueenLovesYou
Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew. Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two. The Sovereign. Oh the Sovereign Ma'am can #Friday
One isn't one to predict General Election results, but one has booked removals men for Downing Street next year as a precaution #YesYouClegg
Mr Clegg on the phone. Very upset. The knob has fallen off his Etch-a-Sketch, rendering the Liberal Democrats all but paralysed. Awkward.
George Osborne on the phone. He's determined to stop unscrupulous people claiming benefits. Presumably he's talking about MPs' expenses.
Not sure of the #ConservativeConference should be officially reclassified as a roller-coaster. Mr Cameron certainly looks a bit sick.
Empire of a hangover.
Swimming in a pool of gin.
One's new book. Describe by the Archbishop of Canterbury as "the best book since the Bible"
Having Mr Cameron's official car changed for something smaller. Maybe a Vauxhall Corsa...
The RAF are heading to Iraq. Going to fire a few warning shots at France on the way out. #TwoBirdsOneStone
Nigel Farage says he's parking his tank on Ed Miliband's lawn. Tell one that's not a euphemism.
Had Mary Berry over last night for cake and cocktails. Woke up this morning covered in cream and marshmallows with a uber hangover. Awkward.
Mr Cameron on the phone. Apologising for telling the Mayor of New York that he thought one was "pert" or something. #Wotevs
The BHA has stripped one's horse of second place in the Ascot Gold Cup. Coincidentally, one has had the BHA abolished. #BoundToBeSnags
Thinking of making it illegal to be David Cameron in public.
Andy Murray "looking forward to competing for Great Britain again"?! Sod. Right. Off.
Ed Miliband on the phone, running one through his conference speech. Can't hear him very well; mainly because one's hung up. #SodOff
Text from Alex Salmond: "The Edinburgh panda is no longer pregnant". Not sure if that's a metaphor for Scottish independence.
Dissolving Parliament. Kidding, kidding. It's just a paracetamol. #DontPanic