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Elizabeth Windsor
The Queen Mother used to warn against devolution to Scotland. "Give them an inch and they'll take the piss" she used to say #ScotlandDecides
Don't panic. Nick Clegg has signed a pledge. #ScotlandDecides
Apple have added a button to remove the U2 album from iTunes. Sadly this doesn't remove them from our collective memory.
Prince Harry's 30th Birthday today. We gave him Scotland but he says he might sell it on Thursday and buy a new pair of trainers instead.
We've just had a Gindependence referendum at Balmoral and voted overwhelmingly for a martini with lunch. #Gindependence
Thank bacon and egg sandwiches it's Friday.
Have sent the #OscarPistorius judge a text to ask her to make a decision on #Scotland whilst she's at it.
Text from George Osborne: "Dave & Nick have gone to Scotland. Dave's taken the high road and Nick's taken the low road! BOOM! LOLZ!" Moron.
Text from David Cameron: "Off to Scotland to save the Union ma'am! Where is Scotland by the way? Nick says it's up the M1?" #ScotlandDecides
The DoE says he's not eating any more Scotch Eggs if they vote for independence. Sod em. #ScotlandDecides
One is absolutely delighted. Just off the blower to @Coral, having the lot on it being a girl *wink* #ad
Cameron, Clegg and Miliband are heading to Scotland. So that's the referendum lost then. #ScotlandDecides
Written in the days of the United Kingdom. It's virtually a collector's item.
How many Royal Baby announcements does it take to swing an independence referendum? Asking for a friend. #RoyalBaby #ScotlandDecides
Having produced an heir, one can confirm that William and Catherine are expecting a spare. #RoyalBaby
Having a night in with a bottle of gin and a tube of Pringles. Once one pops, one can stop. #GinOClock
Hungover like a Queen.
Today would have been Freddie Mercury's Birthday. One doesn't have many regrets in life; not knighting Freddie Mercury is one of them.
Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew. Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two? The Sovereign can. Oh the Sovereign Ma'am can...
There are six billion people in the world. More or less. And it makes one feel quite small. But you're the one one loves the most of all.
Oh brilliant. Judy Finnigan is returning to daytime TV. Thrilled. Just thrilled.
Thursday is cancelled, due to lack of interest.
We are living in a material world and one is a material girl.
The Twitter Honours and Dishonours are out. Who has been created a Knight of the Tweet?… #StillReigning
Gordon Brown is making a series of speeches to save the United Kingdom. So, that's a load off then. #ChristHelpUs
Text from George Osborne: "Pinch, punch, first of the month a no returns! BOOM! LOLZ!" Absolute moron.
Alright people, that's enough sodding around. It's 1st September and it's time to get back to work. That includes you, Cameron.
No, President Putin, one's not flirting with you.
Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!
Extremely painful Factor. #XFactor
Thinking of extending the weekend until approximately November.
Is it too early for a martini? Asking for a friend.
Freddie Mercury's parties and other state secrets. One's new book: #StillReigning
Mary Berry's here. Absolutely soaked on vodka, smoking a cigar like a French Stick and baking a 'special' cake. Hold one's calls.
It's book-buying Friday, boys and girls. England expects. It's your duty: #StillReigning
Text from David Cameron: "Would you take me?" Presumably meant for Nigel Farage. Awkward.
It's book-buying Friday, boys and girls. Do your duty: #StillReigning
Who can a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two... The Sovereign... Oh The Sovereign Ma'am can. #Friday
This is no time for a conference call about your insecurities, Obama. Sod off. #OneIsGoingToBed
Douglas #Carswell on the phone. Says he didn't mean to deflect to UKIP but misread a sign and took a wrong turn on his way to IKEA. Awkward.
Those nice tax avoiding people at Amazon are dispatching one's new book today. Don't delay, people: #StillReigning
The PM's on the phone. Not sure exactly what he's saying, mainly because one has put him on mute whilst one has a bacon sandwich. #Reigning
Positive news from Nick Clegg's Indian trade mission. Looks like we might get 7 donkeys and majority share in an elephant for him. #winning
Nick Clegg's gone on a trade mission to India. Text from the Indian PM: "Bloody hell, Gordon Brown's lost weight!" Awkward.
You'd think there'd be an easier way of getting tax out of Amazon than writing a bloody book, but there it is:
Dear everyone in Britain. If it even looks like rain where you are, take the day off. Your Queen loves you. EIIR.