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Elizabeth Windsor
1.2million followers. Your Queen loves you all. Not you Clegg. #ThankYou
Britain, please remember the clocks have gone back this morning by one hour. Except in Wales, where they've gone back to 1974. EIIR
Can't believe someone's started a sodding parody account.
First tweet?! One's been tweeting for sodding years dear.… #TwitterQueen
Pay an extra £1.7bn to the EU? Sod. Right. Off. #TakingThePiss
Great Britain, your Queen's book is available for you too: #YourQueenLovesYou
Dear American subjects, one's book is now out in the US courtesy of @overlookpress Your Queen loves you.…
Text from Nick Clegg: "Can't believe Alvin Stardust has died. Loved the Chipmunks. I hope Simon and Theodore are ok"
And the Lord said "let there be gin" and there was gin. And the Lord said "let there be tonic" and it was Gin O'Clock. #GinOClock
Are Sweden STILL searching for that Russian submarine?! The DoE says the Swedish military "couldn't hit a cow's arse with a sodding banjo"
S Club 7 are to reunite for Children in Need. Of all the things children are in need of, surely that's not one of them. #SClub7reunion
BBC on the phone. They say for once they're relieved that all one of their former DJs has done is sing in a Jamaican accent. Awkward.
One can confirm that William and Catherine's Spare Heir is due in April. #SecondofTen
The Swedish military have been searching for a Russian submarine in their waters. Who knew that Sweden had a military? #surprised
The DoE is fairly sure that "the B in Mel B stands for 'Badger's arse'; as in as rough as". Can't argue. #XFactor
Was Cheryl Cole, or whatever she's called this week, dressed by Disney? #XFactor
Friday, Friday, one's gotta get down on Friday.
Just watching Crimewatch. Or, as it used to be called, Top of the Pops.
Nothing productive has ever been achieved on a Thursday. That's all one's saying. #BackToBed
Nicola Sturgeon is to become the new SNP leader, in keeping with their policy of appointing people with fish-like names.
Kim Jong Un on the phone. Says he's been out of view due to catching up on the last series of Downton Abbey on DVD. He's up to date now.
Text from Nick Clegg: "Dave says we're checking for Ebola at airports this week. I'm really pleased. I hate Ebola hats anyway" Not replying.
Nurses and ambulance staff are on strike today, so if you could not be ill or injured that would be enormously helpful. Thank you so much.
If it is (a) raining or (b) cold where you are, it's actually the law that you can take a day off. Not you Clegg. #DuvetDay
Someone get one a fried egg on toast and a bucket of tea. Queen Mother of a hangover. #SweatingGin
Linnet the corgi farts every time Nigel Farage is on TV. Which is every sodding five minutes. Thought it was the Camilla at first. Awkward.
Asked Angelina Jolie to form a Government. Said she'd think about it but not in coalition with Clegg or Farage.
Text from George Osborne: "UKIP if you want to, we're not for kipping! BOOM! LOLZ". Moron.
David Cameron on the phone. Crying. #UKIP
Australian woman found after being lost in the bush for 17 days. Prince Andrew says it reminds him of life with the Duchess of York. Awkward
Thursday is cancelled, due to lack of interest. #BackToBed
Is there any archive Top of the Pops footage the BBC can play? Awkward.
Christ, is the Lib Dem conference still not finished?! The DoE says it's far too long to spend wearing sandals.
Reigning from home today.
Nick Clegg has launched a "scathing attack" on the Tories. One can only imagine how terrifying that must be.
It's just a little crush, not like one faints every time we touch.
The DoE thinks Claudia Winkleman's hair has been cut by the council. #Strictly
Someone get one a fried egg sandwich and a cup of tea.
Having, what we call in the Royal Household, a piss up. #OnIt
Sod it, that's enough for one week. Have an early finish people. If anyone asks, tell them the Queen said it was ok. #GinOClock
Oh look, it's 'national buy the Queen's new book day'. #YourQueenLovesYou
Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew. Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two. The Sovereign. Oh the Sovereign Ma'am can #Friday
One isn't one to predict General Election results, but one has booked removals men for Downing Street next year as a precaution #YesYouClegg
Mr Clegg on the phone. Very upset. The knob has fallen off his Etch-a-Sketch, rendering the Liberal Democrats all but paralysed. Awkward.
George Osborne on the phone. He's determined to stop unscrupulous people claiming benefits. Presumably he's talking about MPs' expenses.