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Patton Oswalt

comedian comedy 1,290,018 followers
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If I can just make it to 9pm, New York, I'm gonna sleep the fuck out of this Saturday night. #jetlag
Really? The guy who animated my rant has LESS than 60 followers? This will not stand. Follow @izacless. HEAR ME, MINIONS!
This was bound to happen. My Parks and Recreation STAR WARS filibuster, animated. Thank you, @izacless: bit.ly/14gWdjr
.@Bronzestout Hate to be "that guy", but the "contest" story was a myth Mary Shelley exploited for the 1831 edition. #litnerd
Never forget: FRANKENSTEIN was written by a teenage girl on absinthe & DRACULA by an Irish dude who had a nightmare after eating bad crab.
Dear @BryanFuller & @WendellPierce: HANNIBAL takes place in Baltimore. No reason there can't be a Det. Bunk cameo.
Only 20 years 'til the Hogan's Heroes-style sitcom set in Gitmo.
.@iGregBach What in the hell is happening here?
I've decided I want my daughter to be a goth: say.ly/EDh5QoK
Dear @nbc: Don't let @NBCHannibal slip through your fingers. Renew it. You'll kick yourself when it's gone.
If you're looking for something more obnoxious and smug than Abercrombie & Fitch, check out an anti-Abercrombie & Fitch video.
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Marriage equality comes to Minnesota -- because why should Marcus Bachmann be the only legally married gay man in the state?
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Thanks @charstarlene for opening & everyone who came to the FAKE Gallery tonight. I WILL make the "casa sushi" joke work.
.@marcmaron @alvector If I ever do an action film for Golan-Globus, that's my poster tag line.
So, on Monday, May 20th from 4 - 5:30 pm EST, I'm doing an AMA on @reddit. Let's chat, shut-ins! #AMA
"'Pacific Rim', 'Lone Ranger', 'Man of Steel'. It's gonna be a good summer." -- porn re-titlers
Shout out to Chris Christie with the lap band surgery. Entire herds of cattle chipped in for that shit.
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"goddammit, this fucking cape!" -- darth vader knocking over a whole display of orangina bottles at vons
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"Leave the condiment area in a coffee shop cleaner than you found it." This needs to be the focus of Obama's 2nd term.
(2 of 2) ...then watched a girl elbow by him, rip open a Raw Sugar pack, get 1/2 in her cup, 1/2 on counter, drop packet on floor. #pigs
(1 of 2) HOLY FUCK. Watched a barista JUST NOW tidy up the sugar/creamer area...
Never used a sugar/creamer area in a Starbucks I didn't have to mop up first. Not a slam on employees; people are animals.
.@dddustinD Don't dis my deft "Diddy does Dada" drollery, dum dum.
Breakfast in bed? Sure, I'd love to slouch in a weird position for a half hour and almost choke with every bite.
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Goodnight, @AmysBakingCo. You walk in God's grace, and are his angels. Ignore the TURD RAPING SHIT-LEG CUNT-RECTUM COCKSUCKERS. Namaste.
.@DanaDelany @Puddinstrip @capricecrane How did I fall into a Twitter thread with Dana Delany, Caprice Crane & my brother? #ambien
.@Puddinstrip @capricecrane @DanaDelany He really did. I was there. I watched the Tygart River swallow it. #scarred
I voted for Obama twice & still support him, but the DOJ and IRS scandals are inexcus<---ACCOUNT SUSPENDED---><---ACCOUNT SUSPENDED--->
"Would Diddy do Dada?" -- studio notes on my "Sean Combs travels back in time to the 1916 Zurich art scene" movie.
The pic of the poster I just Tweeted? Designed & printed by @amyfortunato.
What an awesome poster. Who made this? Little help? say.ly/CpQ5PpU
I'm serious about the banner: say.ly/ogM5Pmz
(2 of 2) ...aaaand there's a plane circling downtown trailing a banner that says "FOLLOW THE $ TO MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH"
(1 of 2). For real, though, my jury duty's been postponed...
I can't believe it. For the 2nd time, I'm hearing the case of an S. Hagar vs. the CHP. Judge looks pissed. #juryduty
Everyone in this assembly room's looking pretty dis-assembled. #juryduty
Jury duty. Let's "du" this!* (*catchphrase of Summonsy, the Skateboarding Jury Summons)
How's the new Daft Punk album? (Shit you ask on Twitter to sound cool)
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Sweet DIE HARD shout-out on Hinoki & The Bird's cocktail menu: say.ly/nlq5Pf8
Wanna buy my Irvine poster? Limited edition, on sale HERE: bit.ly/YUb04A
.@pattonoswalt is narrating ABC's new '80s comedy "The Goldbergs," which also stars Jeff Garlin & Wendi McLendon-Covey. Pretty cool!
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Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
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Well, here I am at Amy's BakAAAAAAARRRGGGH SHE'S MURDERING ME SHE'S EATING MY EYES JESUS FUCK MY CHRIST AAAAAa;nfqkhb
Not sure if I could ever face harsh reality as calmly, pragmatically, and fearlessly as Angelina Jolie did. Still kinda stunned.
Well, the consensus seems to be Amy's Baking Company! Heading to the airport. Scottsdale -- and relaxation -- here I come!
.@scharpling Who's Amy? Is she one of God's children? I just want to have a slice o' crusty pizza and leave a big tip for my server!