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Patton Oswalt
comediancomedymusic 1,839,563 followers
.@kreitzer88 @pattonoswalt Palin is to be commended for letting a child with mental impairment live, as is your mother.
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Thank you, @LargoLosAngeles. I really REALLY needed that.
Dear any cannibals or necrophiles in the @nfl: Stand up & be counted. Most you'll get at this point is a shrug.
It's so hot in Silverlake today there's a "Level Siracha" vinyl record melt warning.
Why all the fuss over the Sarah Palin brawl? Why is anyone surprised that a loser who can't hold a steady job got drunk?
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just found this script literally laying on the ground on hollywood blvd
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I wonder how many coprophiliacs have been disappointed after listening to the Go Go's "Skidmarks on My Heart."
RT if you have AC and want boyfriend until mid-October when temperature drops then wanna get back together again next July. No flakes!
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all I need is a football player to assault a mentally disabled person to get BINGO
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Hey, remember when the NFL thought Michael Sam would be a distraction?
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The Deliverance Channel presents: MEGABANJO VS. GUITARTOPUS
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
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Missouri has enacted one of the nation's toughest abortion laws. Apparently, you can only terminate a baby when his hands are in the air.
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.@BruceSinclairLV @marcmaron @daveanthony @behindyourback @DesiJedeikin I'm with Bruce. You animals can pee it the fuck up. OSWALT OUT.
.@marcmaron @daveanthony @behindyourback @DesiJedeikin Fuck you calling me a little man. Getting in my 1/2 a walnut shell bed.
.@MPenn @daveanthony Now we're talking about Lynyrd Skynyrd and pee. So, the terrorists won, huh?
.@marcmaron @daveanthony @DesiJedeikin Great to be on this thread 'cuz one of my abiding joys is making our fans shake their heads sadly.
.@marcmaron @DesiJedeikin Was that a song Skynyrd did after the plane crash?
.@daveanthony @marcmaron @DesiJedeikin And now Dave's decided to contribute. "Poos Day's Gone" Tweet in three, two...
.@DesiJedeikin @marcmaron If you mention "pee" and "Lynyrd Skynyrd" in a Tweet you summon Marc Maron. It's a Beetlejuice thing.
.@DesiJedeikin I'd say the "front row baptism" made him a terrific godfather.
.@DesiJedeikin Ah. Ol' "Pee-on Leon" strikes again!
As the pink mustaches on the front of Lyft cars become progressively filthier, they better reflect Los Angeles. #smogpink
(THIS IS A LONG TWEET SO CLICK TO READ WHOLE THING) Today I went for a run at Griffith Park and while hiking up a...
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This weekend? Doing a SECOND binge-watch of #OITNB Season 2. With this care package from Neptune Produce:
.@daveanthony @grahamelwood And that's the only reason you get any messages.
.@daveanthony @grahamelwood Why're they using your Grindr alias?
Look who I met just now on the Sony Lot:
20 Times You May Have Seen @pattonoswalt And Not Realized It
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"Sunday/FUNday"? Really, Prince? #80son8
"Manic Monday" was originally titled "My Boyfriend Fucked Me Late For Work." #80son8
Jan Hammer's "Miami Vice Theme" while I'm in the McDonald's drive-thru is the ultimate mocked-by-the-universe moment. #80son8
Think of the $$$ Springsteen could have made licensing "Hungry Heart" for a Hungry Man dinners ad. #80son8
How many awful nightclub hookups is Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For That" responsible for? #80son8
I'm mad as Nell, and I'm not going to [unintelligible]
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