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Patton Oswalt

comedian comedy 1,296,628 followers
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"I could make a MUCH nicer totem pole of dead bodies..." Martha Stewart, watching the opening of tonight's @NBCHannibal
Please don't start listing funny women. Jerry Lewis is feeble-minded.
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James Bond will return in SERIOUSLY, MY BALLS STILL HURT FROM THAT CASINO ROYALE ROPE-TORTURE BUSINESS.
What's this about Jerry Lewis saying women aren't fleeben flayvin hoygle blev (dies)?
Why is Tyler Perry heckling the President?
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.@GillianJacobs @LaphamsQuart LQ is an terrific magazine. Take the offer!
Wait -- did Tyler Perry heckle Obama? In his Madea costume? Wow, that's...oh, it was @medeabenjamin? Huh. Oh well.
Only thing worse than hecklers is when the club takes their side. An INFURIATING account from @walkinsauce: bit.ly/1980Sag
my mom was right, when it comes to my suicidal threats I'm SUCH a GG Allin
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.@patrickwilson73 Also, I plan to actively campaign for Patrick Wilson NOT to win. Gotta go stand in front of Gelson's w/ my petition.
Plans tonight? Now you have them - Watch the 17th Annual Webby Awards hosted by @pattonoswalt wbby.co/huge #webbys
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Very proud of my Critic's Choice Award nom. But I SINCERELY want Molly Shannon to win in my category. 'Cuz she crushed on ENLIGHTENED.
"As you wish" -- Boba Fett, EMPIRE STRIKES BACK; Westley and The Grandfather, PRINCESS BRIDE
"Scotch." "Performance tea." Why argue semantics? #Webbys
Kinda bummed that I haven't written a tweet funny enough to get @prodigalsam "inspired" yet.
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I walked 10 blocks in NYC today which means I was in 20 Gaspar Noé short films today.
I still love you, @BarackObama, but your presidency has entered the "Russian dashboard camera" phase.
"I'll give up my bicep tattoos when you have them laser removed from my cold, dead guns." #eh #Cminus #imtired
Another sad day: when Ray opened his Spotify 2012 royalty check and it totalled $1.74. @Spotify: A very sad day for music. RIP Ray Manzarek
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"Daddy, are you cool?" "Haha! Isaiah, that's a rad question. Pause Veggie Tales and let's talk about the coolest guy who ever lived: Jesus."
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.@MichaelChiklis @thatjoshuafrost Maybe YOU need to watch how you phrase things. Twitter is always one step away from balls. Always.
no YOU'RE taking a pregnancy test in an ihop bathroom
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@pattonoswalt @MichaelChiklis “fool me once shame on you fool me twice goddammit more balls.”
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.@MichaelChiklis Nice try, Chiklis. I'm not gonna be fooled into clicking on a pic of your balls. Again.
Yeah, I'm RT'ing a lot of funny people. The news out of Oklahoma keeps getting worse so this is how I cope. Sorry. REDCROSS to 90999
The key to staying thin is, instead of three regular meals, throw up six smaller meals throughout the day.
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"Time is so crazy. What is time? It passes and before you know it, you die alone," I said. "Your pizza isn't ready yet," he repeated.
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“The guy we’re after is real crafty.” - Jerry Orbach, standing over a vajazzled Law & Order victim
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Hunker down, Oklahoma. Sorry you're going through this. It's this random, wild planet. REDCROSS to 90999
"Why am I surrounded by lighting right now?" -- Robby Krieger. #RIPManzarek Seriously, "Crystal Ship" is one of my favorites, ever.
Hey, my @reddit AMA is in 30 minutes. I took the bath salts 10 minutes ago! #askmeanypineapplecockwindow
.@daveanthony No, and I'll thank you not to twist my words. I said that Oscar Wilde went down a silvery man-tunnel for a drink. #nohomo
.@tlou00 He actually did. After his talk Wilde was invited to a "whiskey lunch" back down in the mineshaft. He accepted & out drank 'em.
Wow. Jimmy Connors trying to shame Chris Evert for having an abortion is so lame even assholes feel sorry for him.
.@daveanthony So, the club read the petition?
When Oscar Wilde toured the U.S. in 1882, he was mocked by Harvard students in Boston & cheered by silver miners in Colorado.
Well, William Gibson (@GreatDismal) just RT'd my new @funnyordie short. Gonna go strut (cue Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive")
Mr. @pattonoswalt gets a strange pair of glasses that reveal a terrifying secret about the world around him: ow.ly/ld0MG
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The grammar in #WhenISeeAObamaBumperSticker trending hashtag kind of says it all, doesn't it?
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Today from 4 - 5:30 pm EST ‏@pattonoswalt is doing an AMA on @reddit. Ask him ANYTHING!
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