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Patton Oswalt
"Pumpkin" and "nipple" and "cobbler" join "muffin" on the Words That Are Hilarious When Screamed In Anger List. #donotevenask
.@pattonoswalt says Simon Rich's "Spoiled Brats" has "as solid a piece of comic writing as I've read in a long time." nyti.ms/1wd3eQ7
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I got to review Simon Rich's great new book SPOILED BRATS in today's NY Times Book Review. Enjoy: nyti.ms/1qVsOET
I'm in a strip club and they've set out a festive pumpkin.
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"Why is your peanut butter in a dead girl's chocolate?" "Why is a dead girl's chocolate in my peanut butter?" - HOW TO GET AWAY WITH REESE'S
How was there not a 1970's Charles Bronson vigilante chef movie called SOUP SEASON?
I think Blake Lively is a good actress and very beautiful, but sometimes I just want to be like, "Honey, you're from Burbank."
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to the person who made their laser tag name Cool Sex Falcon please return to the front so we can give you a real gun
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Just walked through a Henry Jaglom-themed corn maze. #terrified
.@pattonoswalt says Simon Rich's "Spoiled Brats" has "as solid a piece of comic writing as I've read in a long time." nyti.ms/1rNWe6T
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.@Salon headline: Why The Midterms Don't Matter. Yes, be cynical and don't vote! Save your outrage for offensive comedy!
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Yo, I use Über to buy Goobers just like Hans Gruber. FREE LYRIC, RAPPERS.
Excuse me, my Carnival Cruise ticket says "free buffet," not "free buffet except when you've been exposed to Ebola." Hand me those tongs.
We always practice mindfulness, especially when some of the kids' Amazon pilots get picked up and others' don't.
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If your response to an incident report is "boys will be boys" u shouldn't be here. Boys will be girls girls will be boys, kids will be trans
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October 31st Dress Up Holiday registration is almost complete! So far most of the kids are going as St. Vincent.
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During our improv warmup, Anais referred to herself as "EdiMommy" and we had to stop the scene. It was clearly a rehearsed bit and so not ok
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Hey Stanley Kowalski what movie are you gonna go see Stanley: INTERSTELLAAAAA boom Twitter genius everyone just cummed
gun sales have risen since the ebola outbreak forcing the CDC to advise any unarmed black people with allergies to move to Canada
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#1: Don't get married until you're at least 35. You want a Trophy wife not a Participation Medal wife.
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#1: She’s hot, but not ‘risk half my net worth’ hot.
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New season of @ComedyBangBang starts TONIGHT at 11pm on @IFC! #sohappy #cbbtv
@jesnider @pattonoswalt "if you want to view parasites, simply look around and spew it"
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@pattonoswalt "Come with me and you'll be in a world of hermetic isolation…"
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"There's no earthly way of knowing/In which way ebola's going..." -- Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka as Ebola Czar
How great would it have been if Obama announced his "Ebola Czar" & Gene Wilder walked out in his Willy Wonka costume?
With "Ebola Czar" as his job title, Ron Klain better buckle down for beaucoup puss-ay.
Ebola update: Spit-takes banned at all US comedy clubs.
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What idiot named it Open Carry and not Murder Clown Terrorizes City
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@pattonoswalt @afoley24 Billy/Eric Koenig Agents of Shield Early Sneak Peek of custom fig! Thx for funny character pic.twitter.com/jemd82PalU
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In trailers, I love when they cut right in the middle of someone saying "motherfucker." Hell yea I'm gonna see it! Gotta see if they say it!
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@pattonoswalt Any chance @WorkmanPub can get a shout out for reissuing Danny Peary's Cult Movies essays as ebooks? workman.com/features/cultm…
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If your family isn't interested in having the best summer of their lives don't bother visiting Handjob Village.
Astounded/Excited! The @CrestWestwood asked to play @outofprintfilm this Sunday at 8pm - on 35mm. I said yes. crestwestwood.com/outofprint
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1982, 4 years old. Homemade @Disney's Robin Hood costume. @RobbieQT as wee Superman. Many wrongs were righted. #tbt pic.twitter.com/uCLg9lKtkw
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Panda Express employee said it'd be an hour for new batch of orange chicken so I sat in my car for an hour then got orange chicken
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.@JenKirkman @Killingsworth27 @ZenithFarm Go to SadSchlub.gov They take PayPal. And Nabisco proof of purchase
.@WolfVanHalen @Wolfiesmom Photobombed by everyone's 70s crush. A good day, Wolf. A good day.
.@JenKirkman @Killingsworth27 @ZenithFarm It's very real, Jen. I'm sponsoring the 1st Annual 5K Wine Belly Slog to raise awareness.
.@JenKirkman @Killingsworth27 @ZenithFarm You're lucky you're not me, Jen. Ugh, this wine belly...
They need to put @MingNa in a Marvel movie 'cuz I want to see a throw down between The Calvary and Black Widow.
A hilarious and kinda sad film about the death of print from @5sf: bit.ly/1F5FH90
Just re-watched Tuesday's @AgentsofSHIELD. How hard does @MingNa kick ass? Good Lord, that fight sequence. Bone-melting.
My favorite "haunted fright maze" is R. Kelly's urethra.