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Patton Oswalt
Carnegie Hall. 1/9/15. Pre-sale. NOW. Code is "LWT20572". I double-checked this time. Sorry: bit.ly/1ouQdBG
Rain is when God cries and mudslides are when God has had too much kale.
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I can only watch the news now with the volume off and the TV off.
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Spanx really work well. No one can tell I have a Lunchables in my jeggings for my parking lot cry later.
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Tickets to @pattonoswalt on January 30 at #Tacoma's Pantages go on sale TODAY AT 10 AM for @BroadwayCenter members! #YAY!
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At last, a fully designed, genuine version of what @Jezebel called “The very best cat calendar!” jezebel.com/heres-the-abso… (2 of 3)
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Hello! I’m VERY pleased to announce the Social Justice Kittens calendar is finally real & for sale in time for the holidays! (1 of 3)
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Deadpool 36 & Arkham Manor 1 are on sale tomorrow. Hope you enjoy them. Here's a preview of latter: usatoday.com/story/life/201…
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"The hell is a 'parsec' anyway, ya nerd?" "The hell is 'Coors', you hillbilly?" - The Bandit interviews Han Solo, @parisreview, 2/4/79
2 years ago, the thing I loved doing seemed like a dead end street. @pattonoswalt put it in perspective for me. Huge. pic.twitter.com/ya9JKmpnCP
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This is PERFECT: @TheKeyofAwesome: The Key of Awesome's Modern Monster Mash! bit.ly/MMonsMsh
"When you get older, you must choose between a). ass or b). your face." -- the French "c)." -- me
The Crystal Ship/lacks proper buoyancy #SoberJimMorrison
@pattonoswalt If you give this man a ride/you can use the HOV lane #SoberJimMorrison
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You guys wanna see Werner Herzog yell at me? Of course you do. "Lemonade War" at @WeTheEconomy: bit.ly/1tIVYxy
Oh man I misspelled "assholes" as "asshokes" and my phone suggested changing it to "asshomes" can you IMAGINE anyways I'm fat
Just saw that actor from Raiders of the Lost Ark- that Nazi face-melting guy at a Yogurtland. He said it was special effects and he's ok
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Bah! If a young lady wishes to make something smart,empowering and whimsical, she must BAKE. #RookieYearbookThree pic.twitter.com/JXHzmnGkvQ
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Shut up you fat fuck. RT @DrPhil: How would you handle someone you believed was cyberbullying you?
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Come see the second live Dollop Dec 8th at 9 pm at Meltdown in LA with guest @pattonoswalt tix: bit.ly/1rx2WEh
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.@lurie_john "NYC in the 70s, man. Totally cinnamon-scented." -- Legs McNeil
.@lurie_john John, you've just entered a cinnamon-scented maze of hilarity from which few emerge. I envy you.
Before you slip into unconsciousness/I'd like to read you my morning pages. #SoberJimMorrison
@pattonoswalt There's a killer on the road and it's called texting while driving. Please, people, it can wait. #SoberJimMorrison
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@pattonoswalt I eat an average amount of chicken for a man of my height and weight. #SoberJimMorrison
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Motel, money, murder, madness. Hey, that's alliteration! Neato. #SoberJimMorrison
@pattonoswalt Father?" "Yes, son." I want to thank you for the fine job you did raising me. Mother? "Yes, son?" Ditto. #SoberJimMorrison
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We can't *literally* swim to the moon. But I'd be happy to do a few laps. Once I digest this salad. #SoberJimMorrison
Were reptiles capable of political hierarchies I would declare myself their King. But that's probably from insecurity. #SoberJimMorrison
@pattonoswalt Well, I woke up this morning, and I got myself water and oatbran. #SoberJimMorrison
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I have a potential, metaphorical fire in my heart for you. Would you care to light it, ma'am? #SoberJimMorrison
At Buffalo Wild Wings with @Puddinstrip. I hope Judith Light and Brian Bosworth play us in the Lifetime movie. pic.twitter.com/fMgGaKFudK
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.@JennyJohnsonHi5 @Puddinstrip Why? You gonna do Donna Summer's "Bad Girls" at karaoke after?
I'm still freaked out/happy/excited I'm doing Carnegie Hall in January. Tickets go on sale Friday. I can't wait to see you all there.
BREAKING: @pattonoswalt will perform at @carnegiehall on Fri, January 9th! Tix go on sale this Friday at 11am! pic.twitter.com/kAai4xDu10
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When someone uses "methinks" in an internet comment thread rest easy knowing they're in no way an unforgivable dick-bucket.
The series finale of Game of Thrones will be a scene where Rape fucks Murder and they have a baby called The View. #markmywords
Andie should've picked Duckie. It's where the 80's went wrong. It led to George W. Bush & 9/11.
A rhinestone license plate frame is a great way to let people know that the inside of your car smells like McDonalds
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"Pumpkin" and "nipple" and "cobbler" join "muffin" on the Words That Are Hilarious When Screamed In Anger List. #donotevenask