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George Wallace
If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?
Errbody in da club gittin' shangles.
If a serial killer corners you put a hand on your hip & say "You're on my LAST nerve" & they'll run. See they didn't realize you'd be so mad
If a gang attacks U say you're on their side & U brought them "gang supplies". They'll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
If a lion's attacking you quickly ram your jugular vein in its mouth. This will startle the lion and send him running away and what have you
Left Ketchikan today. Alaska has been wonderful. Made sweet love to so many great folks on this trip.
Shout out to mountains high enough. Valleys low enough can go to hell after the shit they pulled at Sheila's retirement party.
Shout out to kale. What happened? Folks eat it, drink it, wash their damn faces with it. 3 years ago that shit was just spinach with a perm
Positive reinforcement is important. That's why I always moan at the gynecologist.
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They need to put Ray Rice back on that elevator with Beyonce's sister and let her just kick the shit out of him.
Shout out to that scene in every Dukes of Hazzard where the cop car flips twenty times and lands in a pond and ain't nobody hurt.
Puttin' my Rosh Hashana lights up. Holla!!!!
They'd sell more Herpecin if it didn't have "herpe" right there in the damn name. "I need a price check on Herpecin for this guy w/ herpes"
It's just that I'll shake my body and do the conga, but I'm still able to control myself.
I don't know, y'all. Sometimes it just feels like the rhythm's never gonna get me.
Cruising Alaska with the very funny @carolleifer and my family.
FYI never buy a magic amulet from that guy Randy who hangs out behind the Vegas Burlington Coat Factory he lied this shit ain't magic
Shout out to Bonnie Jovi bein' a cowboy and ridin' on a steel horse and bein' wanted dead or alive and so forth and what have you.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Shout out to all the ineligible men downfield, being their own bosses and goin' wherever the hell they please and so forth.
Okay all you preachers out there. Gotta keep it short as hell today. We got kickoff.
Hey Sheryl Crow is every day a windin' road or a faded sign? You can't have that shit both ways make up yo' damn mind!
It just feels like folks are laughin' at me tryin' to check my Netzero on the CVS free blood pressure machine.
My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?
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He died doing what he loved, punching elephants in the face.
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I would only run if I were being chased, and even then it’s iffy.
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Shout out to KMart still hanging on, bats flyin' around the sign, the blue light sparkin' and shit.
Shout out to reversible clothes. I won't wear shit if it ain't reversible. "Where's the red shirt you had on?" - "I reversed that shit, yo"
Shout out to big ups and props. Also props to shouts outs and big ups, and big ups to props and shout outs.
Shout out to a true pioneer of comedy, Joan Rivers. Walkin' up to Saint Peter. "Can we talk?"
Sorry I gave your cat a Jheri curl. :(
I hate it when folks say "That's neither here nor there". That shit is somewhere!
I hire a town crier to ring a bell and shout the news at me. "Hear ye hear ye, the Braves hath defeated the Phillies"
.@pattonoswalt And that asshole emails me about 6 damn times a week
.@MrGeorgeWallace I'm still a little gun-shy after all the hassle with my White People Meet account* (*Friendster page)
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.@pattonoswalt Yeah, never heard of that shit. Although I do have a niece named LaFriendster.
It just feels like folks are laughin' at me tryin' to check my email on this Teddy Ruxpin.
Fine @pattonoswalt, you're back on the Twitter machine, but when you gonna reactivate your Black People Meet account?
Shout out to Splash with @tomhanks makin' love on a mermaid and so forth and what have you.
Shout out to the people in your neighborhood. In your neighborhood. In your neighborhoooood.
Shout out to grab bags 'cause what's in there?
Most people think of God when they want or going thru something but I find myself thinking of him the more successful I get
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@MrGeorgeWallace I can just hear it, ' Saline! Saline, git yo sister Debris and come inside!'
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OH HELL NO... Every Expecting BLK mom is thinking, hmmm..."Saline". Oh it's coming y'all. And I started it. DAMN!
@MrGeorgeWallace That's why they can legally call it 'solution', otherwise it'd be called saline product
Retweeted by George Wallace
You never hear about saline problem. Saline solution must really be doin' its job.
I'll straight up recline in a rockin' chair and rock in a recliner 'cause I'm runnin' shit in my life. Recognize.