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Ed Byrne
comedian 326,962 followers
Thanks to @emmack88 for pointing out that it's on at 10.30 in Scotland.
I'm on Mock the Week tonight at 10pm on BBC2. We certainly laughed a lot while we were recording it so, that's normally a good sign.
As well as playing Jaws, he was a great comic actor. Hilarious in original version of Mean Machine / The Longest Yard. RIP Richard Kiel
@serichards: @MrEdByrne How are your innards doing? Are you sorted or did the Dr just suggest a cork?!” AM ON THE MEND, THANKS
For the first time in my life an album I have already bought has been nominated for the Mercury prize. Well done @royalblooduk
Before we carelessly toss around labels such as “monster”, maybe we should take the time to better understand these gigantic trucks.
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SURGERY: Do you need an urgent or routine appointment? ME: I've had diarrhoea for 5 days. SURGERY: I'll put you down as urgent, then.
@daraobriain @MrEdByrne no offence, but I really hope there's not some kind of bucket challenge for this cause.
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@MrEdByrne A comedian with diarrhoea? Is it fair to say that right now, you are the living embodiment of the term "shits and giggles"?
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@Sinyail: @MrEdByrne Maybe you have Ebola” Twitter being its usual optimistic self!
@MrEdByrne apparently, its only because the two don't get along that it didn't happen. but Mark Knopfler's song "Immodium" didn't help.
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For those wondering why that just occurred to me: I've had diarrhoea for four days straight now.
There was a joke in the 80s about Chris Rea + Dire Straits forming a band called Dire Rea. Thinking about it, it would've been a good album
@Staying_Alive_X: @MrEdByrne can we have the top 3?” 3. Stone floor 2. Corner of work top. Number 1 is still Dad's balls!
I must say, a week's holiday in a rented cottage is an excellent way to find new shit for your kids to bang their heads on.
I have better teeth RT @JulesH_123: jordan on the great brtish bake off looks like a crazy @MrEdByrne !! #GBBO
I made a short stop-motion animation telling the story of a loveable egg. vine.co/v/MhxF6IHExL3
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ONLY 4 DAYS TILL #PHRINGE! And @MrEdByrne has almost sold out so you might want to hurry... phoenixfringe.co.uk
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Just in the door from @PearlJam show in Leeds. Breathtaking gig! Over 3.5 hours of awesomeness. Perfect set list.
Me, my younger bro and @GlennWool en route to Leeds for @PearlJam . The quiet before the ROCK! pic.twitter.com/UWwngOagsF
Which is sadder: The fact I'm watching 15 to 1 on Challenge on a Sunday afternoon, or the fact I just recognised Kevin from Eggheads on it?
Script idea: Facebook manipulates a hard nosed businessman's data... and teaches him how to love again.
.@OwensDamien I think ground control were pretty rude not passing on the message to his wife. They just yelled back "She knows!"
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Oh wait. It turns out it's because I've been walking around with my cock out. #sillyme
The hotel I came on holiday to is too posh. I keep getting withering looks just because I'm not head-to-toe in crisp white linen.
I find people who constantly say, "I work hard and I play hard", also make liking them hard.
@MrEdByrne Could be worse. At least he’s not nipping to the bog with the Sunday papers and claiming to be “off for a big Ed”.
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Things I discovered this weekend: When my Father-in-law has a long lie in he calls it "doing an Ed". Cheeky git.
Re that last retweet. I will be making a small appearance in @DonnyDonkins show at the @lsqtheatre tomorrow night. It's a v. funny show.
To my 84 loyal followers: This is it. The bloody big time! My own West End one-man show @lsqtheatre tonight & tom youtube.com/watch?v=7Tzlhg…
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To me, the most surprising part is that it's Women, plural. Via @TechnicallyRon pic.twitter.com/dRawaeCI74
For those interested, here's me, sea cliff climbing in #cornwall on assignment for @TGOMagazine tgomagazine.co.uk/gallery/10-bri…
BEST POSSIBLE RESPONSE! "@KittyLaRoo: @MrEdByrne Laughed coffee out my nose. Thanks Ed."
Woman opposite me on the train just sneezed. Wanted to say Bless You but thought it creepy. Anyway, I'll get back to massaging her feet now.
Utterly, utterly ridiculous. @white_thundaaa: @MrEdByrne @realrossnoble How ridiculous was that Household?!"
I'm in Finsbury Park realising I used to share a flat here with @realrossnoble 17 years ago. 17 FUCKING YEARS! #feelingold
Isn't that how you make babies? @janemcqueen: @MrEdByrne you give it to your wife to put in a safe place
Faced with the choice of new car or new kitchen I have opted for new kitchen. *points at penis* Where do I hand this in?
Me: Oi! Get off that feeder! Those nuts are for the birds! Squirrel: But look how cute I am. Me: Oh, you! Tuck in you furry bastard.
Now getting a lot of messages from people who taught their cats to play fetch.
I keep telling my 2 yr old to "be careful". I might as well be teaching the cat to play fetch.
The way James Blunt conducts himself on Twitter is making me regret every mean thing I ever said about him.