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Ed Byrne
comedian 321,700 followers
ONLY 4 DAYS TILL #PHRINGE! And @MrEdByrne has almost sold out so you might want to hurry... phoenixfringe.co.uk
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Just in the door from @PearlJam show in Leeds. Breathtaking gig! Over 3.5 hours of awesomeness. Perfect set list.
Me, my younger bro and @GlennWool en route to Leeds for @PearlJam . The quiet before the ROCK! pic.twitter.com/UWwngOagsF
Which is sadder: The fact I'm watching 15 to 1 on Challenge on a Sunday afternoon, or the fact I just recognised Kevin from Eggheads on it?
Script idea: Facebook manipulates a hard nosed businessman's data... and teaches him how to love again.
.@OwensDamien I think ground control were pretty rude not passing on the message to his wife. They just yelled back "She knows!"
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Oh wait. It turns out it's because I've been walking around with my cock out. #sillyme
The hotel I came on holiday to is too posh. I keep getting withering looks just because I'm not head-to-toe in crisp white linen.
I find people who constantly say, "I work hard and I play hard", also make liking them hard.
@MrEdByrne Could be worse. At least he’s not nipping to the bog with the Sunday papers and claiming to be “off for a big Ed”.
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Things I discovered this weekend: When my Father-in-law has a long lie in he calls it "doing an Ed". Cheeky git.
Re that last retweet. I will be making a small appearance in @DonnyDonkins show at the @lsqtheatre tomorrow night. It's a v. funny show.
To my 84 loyal followers: This is it. The bloody big time! My own West End one-man show @lsqtheatre tonight & tom youtube.com/watch?v=7Tzlhg…
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To me, the most surprising part is that it's Women, plural. Via @TechnicallyRon pic.twitter.com/dRawaeCI74
For those interested, here's me, sea cliff climbing in #cornwall on assignment for @TGOMagazine tgomagazine.co.uk/gallery/10-bri…
BEST POSSIBLE RESPONSE! "@KittyLaRoo: @MrEdByrne Laughed coffee out my nose. Thanks Ed."
Woman opposite me on the train just sneezed. Wanted to say Bless You but thought it creepy. Anyway, I'll get back to massaging her feet now.
Utterly, utterly ridiculous. @white_thundaaa: @MrEdByrne @realrossnoble How ridiculous was that Household?!"
I'm in Finsbury Park realising I used to share a flat here with @realrossnoble 17 years ago. 17 FUCKING YEARS! #feelingold
Isn't that how you make babies? @janemcqueen: @MrEdByrne you give it to your wife to put in a safe place
Faced with the choice of new car or new kitchen I have opted for new kitchen. *points at penis* Where do I hand this in?
Me: Oi! Get off that feeder! Those nuts are for the birds! Squirrel: But look how cute I am. Me: Oh, you! Tuck in you furry bastard.
Now getting a lot of messages from people who taught their cats to play fetch.
I keep telling my 2 yr old to "be careful". I might as well be teaching the cat to play fetch.
The way James Blunt conducts himself on Twitter is making me regret every mean thing I ever said about him.
Oh. My. Goodness. @MrEdByrne is running our Colour Me Happy 5k! @HertsEssexObser @HertsMercury #excited who will throw the first paint?
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My good friend and all round funny guy @StarrActor finally got his arse onto Twitter. Please welcome him.
Tickets for our Comedy Benefit, feat: @MrEdByrne & @daraobriain on June 2nd, are now on sale: shaw-theatre.com - get yours quickly!
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@MrEdByrne @daraobriain It's a good price but the postage & packaging kills it.
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As you can probably tell by some of the bizarre stuff I've posted lately, my account was hacked. Either that or I've been drunk RTing.
I'm in San Salvador filming a travel documentary. My suitcase, however, is on holiday in Houston, TX. #dirtypants
I love the furtive pointing in this pic RT @akhan_29: At MCM Birmingham. Is this kid Steam Punk @MrEdByrne moby.to/dtf4bg
So, my friend made a muppet. Looks a hell of a lot like @MrEdByrne to me. pic.twitter.com/hdw4gYX8z5
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? The entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex.
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You missed an apostrophe and you're a total cunt. "@CallumSloper: Ding dong the assholes dead! #BobCrow"
If you loved the 1st one, you'll like this one! "@annameadows_: @MrEdByrne would you recommend it? Off to see it Friday hopefully!"
Went to see "300 rise of an empire" today. Either that or Horrible Histories has gotten well dark.
.@HarkiranJohnson Welcome to Twitter. The fact that your first tweet was designed to make someone feel good reflects very well on you.
That RT was just a little plug for my mate's sandwich booth in Glasgow, @mangiaglasgow Not a paid ad.
A little taste of sunshine on a rainy day! Banana cake filled with banana jam,topped with cinnamon icing (dairy free) pic.twitter.com/GgE5StLomz
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