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Michael Ian Black
What is the better investment for my overall well-being: a FitBit or thirty pints of Ben&Jerry's?
Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.
Gettin' my melon liqueur on.
Give it another couple years. RT @Mallory_McLean I keep waiting for you to be funny, but nope.
Sometimes I eat meals that are just vegetables. Does that make me some kind of hero? I don't think so, but you think what you want.
Trying to set up my new TV. Check back in with me around Thanksgiving.
On the upside, now Adrian Peterson will have more time at home to spend with his family.
So what if Joan Rivers' doctor took a selfie during her surgery. It's not like he killed anyone!
A man's got to discipline his kids how he sees fit. RT @Phileap how does beating someone else's kid make this wrong but your own okay?
??? RT @Phileap u make no sense. Your logic is all wrong
Think about all the poor Minnesota women and children who will now get beat up when the Vikings don't cover the spread b/c of this decision.
Disappointed with the Vikings decision to suspend Adrian Peterson. I could understand it if he'd beat up somebody else's kids, but his own?
Do people in coach get free seatbelts?
Just boarded in #firstclass. Great looking group of white people up here.
A gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a menopause of stewardesses.
Got to the airport early to spend a little extra time rating families by attractiveness.
What's the best way to develop an eating disorder?
Heading out on a #firstclass flight tonight. Looking forward to stretching out and #networking with other #firstclass folks.
@michaelianblack you were so good on SNL and The Kids In The Hall, what happened? These jokes are tasteless.
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Let he who has never beat the shit out of a toddler cast the first stone.
Leave Adrian Peterson alone! He made ONE mistake twice.
Now they are flying a drone to film their departure. I am in the worst straight to DVD movie ever.
Leader now saying "We got to be strong! We together!" Possibly turning a little Viet Congy here.
They seem like a very well-behaved band of outlaws.
The leader of the Vietnamese Ferrari/Lamborghini team is telling everybody to wave and say hi to everybody and to stick together.
Got it - this is who they are. Douches with a Vietnamese flair.
Winner. RT @AWDubreuil You didn't survive that car accident, Michael.
There's a battalion of Ferrari-driving Asians in matching t-shirts at my hotel. What does this mean?
I support this effort to get more awesome, excellent, mind-blowing STEM teachers in America. #blowminds #TeachSTEM
At least Adrian Peterson is present in his children's lives.
Just playing Devil's Advocate for a sec: sometimes four-year-olds are real assholes.
Had f2f time with some good folks in the biz today. Doin' the work, livin' the life.
Caught my youngest reciting the book, #NAKED, *verbatim* while he was in the shower. Thought @inkyelbows & @michaelianblack would be proud.
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Just fucking KILLED some froyo.
National Voter Registration Day is Tues, Sept 23. @HeadCountOrg is doin' like they did in 2012. DM us if you're in!
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New episode of MATES now up. If you'd like your band's music featured, send it to and we may use it on the show!
It's a new treat for you viewers on another episode of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! @michaelianblack @CavanaghTom
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@Supercuts @michaelianblack ?? Eileen Carey, who I rep has been an artist amb for years? What is up with this messg?
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To the management at the boutique hotel where I am staying. Please turn down the hallway lights. They are so bright I can almost see.
It's a new treat for you viewers on another episode of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! @michaelianblack @CavanaghTom
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I am not a good person to have in your football pool because on Week 2 I forgot I was in one.
Update from #firstclass: Guy in front of me just changed his shirt. In coach this would be disgusting, but he is in #firstclass shape.
If you want to spend next Saturday night with me and Roz Chast.
Update from #firstclass. Movie watched, braised short ribs consumed. Time to fully recline and get some #me #time.
Funny #firstclass story: the steward told me they're out of the pasta. I said, "I wanted the braised short ribs, anyway." We chuckled.
GREAT NEWS: flying #firstclass today. Will be updating throughout to help you "see the world through my eyes." #payitforward
I would make a terrible TSA agent because I am incapable of only talking about when I am going on break.
Think about how awesome it would've been if James Earl Jones had embraced being Darth Vader as much as Jeff Beidges embraced being The Dude.