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Michael Ian Black
Never once has somebody telling me my shoe is untied been new information to me.
TWEETING WHILE DRIVING LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL
If I don't deserve a medal for doing my laundry before totally running out of socks and underwear, then why have medals at all?
Active on social media to balance being inactive in life.
It's weird that fans cheering for the fact that a player isn't paralyzed is a regular feature of football.
Too early to call it a night, too late to take a nap.
Very nervous about reuniting with the State at Festival Supreme because I do not remember most of their names.
By the way, I went to Harvard.
"I went to Harvard" - guy who went to Harvard
Guys, YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK "You're Not Doing It Right " by @michaelianblack Only If you like a lot of laughing. And some weeping.
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Worried that Robert Smith from the Cure still dresses like Robert Smith from the Cure.
Just had some soup. Fuck off if you can't handle it.
Just realized I've spent almost NO time thinking about Reese Witherspoon today. SO FRUSTRATING!!!
More like E-bone-a. High fives all around.
Not afraid to admit this: I'm kind of thirsty.
We are strangers, you and I, our hearts unknown. But we share this: the red bench we sit on as we wait for our pizzas at Domino's.
Hot towels on demand should be mandatory like seat belts.
NTBDWT (Needing to be done with today)
I'm working on an app that will allow people on Segway tours to see what they look like.
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Starting to think I should do something with that Ebola vaccine I developed.
Scientists believe that giant church bells that ring on the hour to give us the time might one day prove unnecessary.
There's First Class, Business First, Business, Economy Extra, Economy and Economy Ebola.
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Really unprepared for consciousness today.
Horses will just stand there all day. They don't give a fuck.
Noticing a real lack of people in my life who call me "Buttercup."
Wonder what it would be like to only eat when hungry.
ICYMI: Watch @philiphanselmo school me in metal in our new web series "Metal Grasshopper", episode one: metalinjection.net/video/metal-gr…
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James Spader on "The Blacklist" impression: mastered.
Now accepting offers to pose for Playboy.
Life hack: don't have "a look".
About to re-enact "The Purge" on some tacos.
Trying to convince my kids that since people can be slap happy or punch drunk, they are physical abuse delighted.
Currently writing the VERY R-rated "Gilligan's Island" reboot with @DavidKoechner as Skipper, me as Gilligan. "This ain't no pleasure tour."
Please don't ask me about any meals I have had or am planning to have: the answer is always going to be tacos.
@NBCMarryMe TOMORROW NIGHT 9pm following The Voice! Please watch it would mean a lot to me and go a long way towards our friendship.
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Every job is a temp job because we all die.
New "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" up today. Listen... for the children. Nerdist.com or itunes.
It's a 2nd chance for 1 company, as @michaelianblack & @CavanaghTom try again on Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! nerdi.st/1o7vC6f #MATES
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Hey @BurgerKing, you were stupid if you think hiring some random actor to rip off @billyeichner was going to work. I WAS AVAILABLE!!!
Season 1 of "The Blacklist": watched. I have officially moved into the "likely to purchase Raisin Bran and/or a Buick" demographic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE NEWS IF THE NEWSCASTER ISN'T SEXY???
PMIOGOOB (Pretty much incapable of getting out of bed)