Starting to think Jaden Smith might be the most elaborate prank Ashton Kutcher has ever played.
ENTERTAINING TIP: Lighting a bunch of candles makes a great substitute for having a personality.
Consensus after my Twitter fight with @marcmaron
yesterday seems to be that we are both horrible cunts.
Wasn't going to see "Fast and Furious 6" but the commercial shows a tank so I guess I'll be there opening night.
How come casino commercials never show haggard old people with oxygen tanks slumped over the sides of their Rascals playing slots?
AMBER ALERT: OLIVES CAN BE FILLING IF YOU EAT ENOUGH OF THEM
settle down @michaelianblack
is a nice guy and he's awesome on @BigBang_CBS
who the fuck are you at all ugly faggot? look at your goddamn face where are the fascists when u need `em
Thanks for the support! Be like Marc. Buy my book! amzn.to/t6sAzi
No, I was just reading your book.
So you watched your show, huh? :( RT @marcmaron
I guess if everything is garbage principles are stupid.
I will be 89 next week. RT @AlisonAgosti
wow. How old are you
Once joysticks sprouted more than one button, I gave up on videogames.
What if Subway not only helps you lose weight like Jared but also makes you look like Jared?
Quick, easy: Text REDCROSS to 90999 and it will automatically give $10 to tornado victims. This is obviously worth it. Thx.
A happy ending in the midst of a disaster w/far too few. Hug your dogs and get tissues. Text Red Cross to 90999. gawker.com/oklahoma-torna…
DO SOMETHING - Here's how you can help those affected by the devastating tornadoes in Oklahoma: aol.it/18fa6QD
My Twitter feed has about 1.5% of Tumblr's users. Using Yahoo's valuations, it is therefore worth $16M. Currently accepting offers.
Just wanted to let you all know that your joke answers to my rhetorical questions are hilarious. Keep 'em coming!
Just to clarify: a shit show isn't a real thing, right?
Just realized you can't sing "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" using tahini instead of tomatoes b/c everybody says tahini the same way! RT!!!
I know they get a lot of grief, but secretly we all think wine spritzers were a pretty good idea, right?
People talk about chickens coming home to roost like it's a bad thing, but I think it sounds heartwarming.
New "MATES" now posted. It's out of this world! nerdist or itunes.
One of the most unfortunate things regarding our current political situation is Mitch McConnell's face.
How did Daft Punk go from something nobody cares about to something everybody cares about? They're like the new avian flu.
I don't believe in folk wisdom because people are fucking stupid.
For a couple magical weeks each year, I learn and forget the names of the horse races that make up The Triple Crown.
3D printing incorrectly assumes that I WANT to fix broken things instead of just complaining about them.
Michael Ian Black Tweets About 3D Printing - Our Response on3dprinting.com/2013/05/18/mic… #3dprinting @michaelianblack
There is full and there is fucking starving to death. There is nothing else.
Several articles tell me how great 3D printing will be because it will allow me to make "missing game pieces." Great.
So excited about 3D printer technology and yet I can't think of a single thing I would want to make.
My "Star Trek" review: "Into Darkness" starts at Warp Factor 5 and never slows down! Set phasers for phun!
(It was okay.)
How many calories does weighing myself burn?
Seeing "Star Trek" tonight, which will almost certainly result in me complaining about "Star Trek" tomorrow.
Is anybody else freaking out about the asteroid that's supposed to hit Earth tomorrow?
"Gross" - me, thinking about pretty much everything.
Shut up. RT @alexcschaefer
yes. Star Trek 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, & 12 did not have destroyed a Enterprise
Has there ever been a "Star Trek" movie in which the Enterprise is not destroyed? It is the most poorly built spaceship ever.
I just hope this murder case doesn't make things harder for other hatchet-wielding homeless drifters.
What is the point of men with blonde hair?
I know I win some and lose some, but can somebody please tell me how many?
Never once have I anticipated the waiter asking if I want fresh ground pepper, and when he does ask, I always need to think about it.
ATLANTA: watch me shake my ass. 5/30-6/1. theimprovatlanta.com fb.me/2oTDsU58p
After Slate's compassionate article "Pictures of People Who Mock Me," you can click to read "10 Ugliest Celebrities." bit.ly/15Htgjt
INTERVIEW: Michael Ian Black, Sketch Comedian, and Feminist Poet. fb.me/243kzyoBY
My only regret, and it is a HUGE regret, in tweeting for Dos Equis, is that I somehow misspelled the word "paid." bit.ly/16lcsA7