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Michael Ian Black
Don't you understand Brad and Angeline were in a movie called "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"? RT @IMNLOVEWAISHA wow shut the fuck up
I GUESS NOW THEY REALLY ARE MR AND MRS SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
are you SURE there's no tables left? (slips maitre d' a notarized pencil sketch of me and Richard Branson skiing in jean jackets)
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Now that Brad and Angelina are married, I can FINALLY start worrying about when they're going to get divorced.
If you don't believe in white privilege, I just walked outside in my pajama pants while singing "I Dreamed a Dream." No problems.
Drank a lot of flavored seltzer today, because I'm a middle-aged Jew, but a MODERN middle-aged Jew.
The band outside my apartment is playing "Life is a Highway." Karma really is a bitch.
Somehow there's a band warming up outside my apartment, which feels like a violation of all that is legal and holy.
Really struggling with how to time out my nap/lunch/Twittering. UGH! Why are there so few hours in a day?!?
The only thing that's been sucking lately is your mom. RT @Ryanpat28 your tweets suck lately...what are u getting paid for??
A pretty good dinner is licking olive oil and Lawry's Seasoning Salt off your fingers.
TGIFASN (Thank God it's finally a school night)
STRONGLY DISAGREE!!! RT @WhiteHouse RT if you agree: Women should earn the same pay as men for doing the same work. Period.
Who designed your new logo, Qdoba, JOSEPH STALIN??? pic.twitter.com/LDfT3jzzKx
No, YOU forgot a conference call because you went swimming.
Imma let you finish "Modern Family," but "Veep" is the best TV comedy.
More recent, please. RT @DavidYazbek I'm an Emmy-winner. #EmmyWinner
If any Emmy winners want to come to my after-party, I'm at an inexpensive rental apartment in Norwalk, CT.
You're a dear friend. RT @JakeBasner I once waved to you from a 7-11 in Saginaw as @mshowalter bought cigarettes.
And you are... ? RT @toddbarry Am I a dear friend?
Chelsea is a dear friend. RT @NotoriousRoxy Do you know @ChelseaVPeretti?
Al is a dear friend. RT @mjv1975 You looked great as Weird Al
My annual reminder that I know a lot of the Emmy nominees and winners. It's a real honor for you guys to follow me.