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How many calories does weighing myself burn?
Seeing "Star Trek" tonight, which will almost certainly result in me complaining about "Star Trek" tomorrow.
Is anybody else freaking out about the asteroid that's supposed to hit Earth tomorrow?
"Gross" - me, thinking about pretty much everything.
Shut up. RT
@alexcschaefer yes. Star Trek 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, & 12 did not have destroyed a Enterprise
Has there ever been a "Star Trek" movie in which the Enterprise is not destroyed? It is the most poorly built spaceship ever.
I just hope this murder case doesn't make things harder for other hatchet-wielding homeless drifters.
What is the point of men with blonde hair?
I know I win some and lose some, but can somebody please tell me how many?
Never once have I anticipated the waiter asking if I want fresh ground pepper, and when he does ask, I always need to think about it.
ATLANTA: watch me shake my ass. 5/30-6/1.
theimprovatlanta.com fb.me/2oTDsU58p After Slate's compassionate article "Pictures of People Who Mock Me," you can click to read "10 Ugliest Celebrities."
bit.ly/15Htgjt INTERVIEW: Michael Ian Black, Sketch Comedian, and Feminist Poet.
fb.me/243kzyoBY My only regret, and it is a HUGE regret, in tweeting for Dos Equis, is that I somehow misspelled the word "paid."
bit.ly/16lcsA7 My wife asks, "Why are you in such a good mood?" In my house, this is an accusation.
One thing about incredible guitar solos is that I mostly just want them to end.
I am in this show. PLEASE rethink this tag. RT
@UsAndThemFOX when two people finally come together, they never come together alone
On a special
@AlmostHumanFOX,
@minkakelly and
@michaelianblack from
@UsAndThemFOX make out a little bit and it's okay.
@minkakelly youre on a new fox show and so is
@michaelianblack so its okay to make out a little
Somebody please tell
@minkakelly that she's on a new Fox show and I am too so it's okay to make out a little bit.
EDIT: "Dick" should not be capitalized. Please rewrite. RT
@MartyBooms A Dick telling another Dick to not be a Dick when being a Dick.
Delicious, isn't it? RT
@enigmacunundrum the irony of you wanting others to be decent when so often you are not.
If a Twitterer you like spends a year or two writing a book - A BOOK - then uses Twitter to promote it, have the decency not to be a dick.
At the lovely
@ParkRoadBooks for my event and so far it's just me and the adorable sales girls. Ego in check. C'mon down Charlotte. Anyone?
AMBER ALERT: BLOCKED RT
@theRealDaveBabb AMBER ALERT!!!
@michaelianblack has lost his talent for humor. It was last seen about 15 years ago.
NYC: I will be reading short stories as part of "Selected Shorts" with
@bdwong, Simon Rich, and Patricia Marx. 5/22.
bit.ly/YX8ZET It's just I try and I try and I put up with A LOT and then when I do something REALLY important (touching Angie Harmon's hair) I get NOTHING
The other important part of me touching Angie Harmon's hair is I only did it so I could tweet about it and you fuckers don't even care!
Great point. No, it was her back-of-head hairs. RT
@CWBrodersen Well to be fair you didn't specify if it was the BANGS!!
#BangTouch A legitimately confusing lack of interest from people regarding the fact that I touched Angie Harmon's hair.
In case you missed it earlier: sneak peek at a sketch from NAKED! by
@michaelianblack, illus by me:
bit.ly/18M9lQj DOUBLE AMBER ALERT: I JUST TOUCHED ANGIE HARMON'S HAIR
After two kids, I guess it's too late for me to get a preventative double vasectomy.
Great to see so many New Yorkers walking and getting that exercise.
#firstclass pic.twitter.com/0UZsIuzAzz 
This is the face I'm going to make as I get out of my chauffeured car.
pic.twitter.com/NHCAcaWki3 I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
Currently riding in a chauffeured car.
#firstclass pic.twitter.com/ZvbWP96iZL You can't spell "Bigfoot" without "bigot." Think about it.
It was an honor to spend the afternoon with Prince Harry
@HarlemRBI today. He is a natural coach, and has a great swing!
#coachharry 
Ok.
RT
@michaelianblack: "Wish somebody would slut shame me. :("
pic.twitter.com/EfzBra7bwC Wish somebody would slut shame me. :(
Just thought of a racy joke for pilots. Hint: the punchline involves the word "biplane"!!!
Hey guys...you can't spell CHRISTian without CHRIST, and you can't spell FUNdamental without FUN. FUN CHRIST YES GO!!!!
IMPORTANT: I met Leonardo DiCaprio once in 1993.
Somewhere along the line we stopped referring to trumpets as cornets, and even though they're slightly different, I still think it's sad.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is, men shouldn't have ponytails.
Made my first homemade smoothie today. Romaine, cucumber, watermelon, lemon, coconut milk. If it sounds disgusting, guess what? It was.
The words feel strange even forming together in my mind but... good for Angelina Jolie.
Hey "Mad Men," how about an episode that ends with everybody feeling groovy for a change? Shoot RFK, fine, but have him live!