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Michael Ian Black
At least Adrian Peterson is present in his children's lives.
Just playing Devil's Advocate for a sec: sometimes four-year-olds are real assholes.
Had f2f time with some good folks in the biz today. Doin' the work, livin' the life.
Caught my youngest reciting the book, #NAKED, *verbatim* while he was in the shower. Thought @inkyelbows & @michaelianblack would be proud.
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Just fucking KILLED some froyo.
National Voter Registration Day is Tues, Sept 23. @HeadCountOrg is doin' like they did in 2012. DM us if you're in!
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New episode of MATES now up. If you'd like your band's music featured, send it to and we may use it on the show!
It's a new treat for you viewers on another episode of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! @michaelianblack @CavanaghTom
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@Supercuts @michaelianblack ?? Eileen Carey, who I rep has been an artist amb for years? What is up with this messg?
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To the management at the boutique hotel where I am staying. Please turn down the hallway lights. They are so bright I can almost see.
It's a new treat for you viewers on another episode of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! @michaelianblack @CavanaghTom
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I am not a good person to have in your football pool because on Week 2 I forgot I was in one.
Update from #firstclass: Guy in front of me just changed his shirt. In coach this would be disgusting, but he is in #firstclass shape.
If you want to spend next Saturday night with me and Roz Chast.
Update from #firstclass. Movie watched, braised short ribs consumed. Time to fully recline and get some #me #time.
Funny #firstclass story: the steward told me they're out of the pasta. I said, "I wanted the braised short ribs, anyway." We chuckled.
GREAT NEWS: flying #firstclass today. Will be updating throughout to help you "see the world through my eyes." #payitforward
I would make a terrible TSA agent because I am incapable of only talking about when I am going on break.
Think about how awesome it would've been if James Earl Jones had embraced being Darth Vader as much as Jeff Beidges embraced being The Dude.
A woman at the coffee shop just referred to her six year old daughter as "an old soul" and now I have to clean up all this vomit.
Celebrate the anniversary of 9/11 with acts of charity and kindness. Celebrate 9/12 by being the same asshole you always are.
PRO TIP FOR BANDS: If you feel your song title needs parenthesis, change the song title.
As always on days of remembrance, please follow @JoeMande, who is doing the important work.
Thirteenth anniversary of 9/11. By the fifteenth, expect to see car and appliance sales.
Oct issue of @VanityFair has an INCREDIBLE feature on @simonsam that you will not forget written by @Merrillmarkoe.
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Long overdue appreciation of @KenMarino’s wonderful movie “Diggers.”…
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Pretty sure the iPhone 6 will be the model that finally makes me happy.
Not sure how do I say this so that it doesn't sound like I'm bragging, but I can crack my big toe just by wiggling it.
My son and I just passed a milestone. We now use the same acne medication.
Congrats to my old friend @Thezog on celebrating 10 years of his comedy show #Sweet!!! Way to go Seth!!
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Please direct all press inquiries regarding the return of "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" to Mates Worldwide Headquarters.
CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" is back!… Or Ahoy Maties.
ROYAL FUN FACT: If the new royal baby is a boy, he will be third in line of succession. If it is a girl they will throw her in a dumpster.
SPORTSFACT: Al Michaels is still alive. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
Just started bleeding out of the nostril I WASN'T picking!!! #nosestigmata #ebola
SPORTSFACT: Over 85% of all current NFL players are male. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
If bacon drippings took human form, they would be Joel Osteen.
Insomnia. Conducting a 5-7 min. AMA on Chatbox. To join:…
Saturday night and I'm gettin' my white guilt on.
Sometimes my hands are sticky and I DON'T KNOW WHY!
Just had this unbidden thought as I looked out the window. "The sun is setting... on my life."
Shut up. RT @WillCMoore slate isn't mined, it's quarried
My wife and I are fighting over a pool table. "First world problems?" Maybe, but without us, pool table slate miners would be out of work.