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Michael Ian Black
At least Adrian Peterson is present in his children's lives.
Just playing Devil's Advocate for a sec: sometimes four-year-olds are real assholes.
LEAVE FOOTBALL PLAYERS ALONE! WITHOUT THEM WE ARE NOTHING! FOOTBALL DOESN'T COME FREE!
Had f2f time with some good folks in the biz today. Doin' the work, livin' the life.
Caught my youngest reciting the book, #NAKED, *verbatim* while he was in the shower. Thought @inkyelbows & @michaelianblack would be proud.
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Just fucking KILLED some froyo.
National Voter Registration Day is Tues, Sept 23. @HeadCountOrg is doin' like they did in 2012. DM us if you're in! pic.twitter.com/opu9Rf4mN0
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New episode of MATES now up. If you'd like your band's music featured, send it to mates@nerdist.com and we may use it on the show!
It's a new treat for you viewers on another episode of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! nerdi.st/1qYYjBE @michaelianblack @CavanaghTom
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@Supercuts @michaelianblack ?? Eileen Carey, who I rep has been an artist amb for years? What is up with this messg?
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To the management at the boutique hotel where I am staying. Please turn down the hallway lights. They are so bright I can almost see.
It's a new treat for you viewers on another episode of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks! nerdi.st/1qYYjBE @michaelianblack @CavanaghTom
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I am not a good person to have in your football pool because on Week 2 I forgot I was in one.
Update from #firstclass: Guy in front of me just changed his shirt. In coach this would be disgusting, but he is in #firstclass shape.
If you want to spend next Saturday night with me and Roz Chast. bit.ly/1D8OKVx
Update from #firstclass. Movie watched, braised short ribs consumed. Time to fully recline and get some #me #time.
Funny #firstclass story: the steward told me they're out of the pasta. I said, "I wanted the braised short ribs, anyway." We chuckled.
GREAT NEWS: flying #firstclass today. Will be updating throughout to help you "see the world through my eyes." #payitforward
I would make a terrible TSA agent because I am incapable of only talking about when I am going on break.
Think about how awesome it would've been if James Earl Jones had embraced being Darth Vader as much as Jeff Beidges embraced being The Dude.
A woman at the coffee shop just referred to her six year old daughter as "an old soul" and now I have to clean up all this vomit.
Celebrate the anniversary of 9/11 with acts of charity and kindness. Celebrate 9/12 by being the same asshole you always are.
PRO TIP FOR BANDS: If you feel your song title needs parenthesis, change the song title.
As always on days of remembrance, please follow @JoeMande, who is doing the important work.
Thirteenth anniversary of 9/11. By the fifteenth, expect to see car and appliance sales.
Oct issue of @VanityFair has an INCREDIBLE feature on @simonsam that you will not forget written by @Merrillmarkoe. pic.twitter.com/EmQHZk16Dx
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Long overdue appreciation of @KenMarino’s wonderful movie “Diggers.” avclub.com/article/heres-…
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Pretty sure the iPhone 6 will be the model that finally makes me happy.
Not sure how do I say this so that it doesn't sound like I'm bragging, but I can crack my big toe just by wiggling it.
My son and I just passed a milestone. We now use the same acne medication.
Congrats to my old friend @Thezog on celebrating 10 years of his comedy show #Sweet!!! Way to go Seth!! pic.twitter.com/O4hCAINLGV
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Please direct all press inquiries regarding the return of "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" to Mates Worldwide Headquarters.
CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" is back! itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mik… Or Nerdist.com Ahoy Maties.
ROYAL FUN FACT: If the new royal baby is a boy, he will be third in line of succession. If it is a girl they will throw her in a dumpster.
SPORTSFACT: Al Michaels is still alive. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
Just started bleeding out of the nostril I WASN'T picking!!! #nosestigmata #ebola
SPORTSFACT: Over 85% of all current NFL players are male. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
If bacon drippings took human form, they would be Joel Osteen.
Insomnia. Conducting a 5-7 min. AMA on Chatbox. To join: chatbox.com/#/p=998WBqMTvR…
Saturday night and I'm gettin' my white guilt on.
Sometimes my hands are sticky and I DON'T KNOW WHY!
Just had this unbidden thought as I looked out the window. "The sun is setting... on my life."
Shut up. RT @WillCMoore slate isn't mined, it's quarried
My wife and I are fighting over a pool table. "First world problems?" Maybe, but without us, pool table slate miners would be out of work.