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Michael Ian Black
comedian comedy actor 1,930,136 followers
Starting to pack for moving. I cannot work the tape dispenser. I am Jewish.
"I could snap my fingers and make you disappear." - mafiosi magician
Now offering $100 lap dances.
WE DID IT, Y'ALL! @kickstarter has reversed their decision and the #MillionDollarPodcast is now TAKING DONATION$! kickstarter.com/projects/33856…
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Please Lord allow me to live long enough to have an embarrassing age difference between myself and the person I am fucking.
My wife stumbled in late last night wearing a new musk called "Melonian"? Does anybody know what that is?
Just watched a documentary about hospice care in prison. So horny.
Hi & thx 4 tweeting. I'll be away from my devices until 2AM. If its an emergency text @michaelianblack's wife & I'll be sure to get it. xo
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Daughter is at a sleepover, son at camp, wife out until late. I have the house to myself, and I am going to watch the fuck out of some PBS.
On the unexpected joys of failure. MT @biblioracle Admitting my novel flopped insidehighered.com/blogs/just-vis…
If you’re curious what I am like after several martinis, watch #DrunkHistory tonight 10/9c on @ComedyCentral! instagram.com/p/g8cqI2uPZW/
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Calories love me more than people.
Today I've done a great job of conserving my own energy.
Naked! is my littlest girl's favourite birthday present this year @inkyelbows & @michaelianblack. Thanks for the belly laughs!
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
How do I tell my kids our dog is adopted?
This is the best thing to happen to Germany since David Hasselhoff.
When they start with the fake blood you know the flopping has totally gotten out of control.
If the whole world wanted to watch people not score, they could have just hung out with me and my friends in high school.
SPORTSFACT: If The Finals goes to penalty kicks, they have to start the entire World Cup over. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts.
If the goalies have to run laps with the rest of the team during workouts, it's a total gyp.
Seventy years later, I'm still not over it. Go #argentina
I have heard @alyankovic's new album, "Mandatory Fun." More like MANDATORY PURCHASE!!!
My wife is making me weed and mulch. I hate her so much.