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Michael Ian Black
comedian comedy actor 1,930,706 followers
If Bey and J break up, I'm not going to ask her out right away. I'm going to give her a few weeks to heal.
Taking my kids to see "50 Shades of Grey" b/c I saw "Purple Rain" with my grandma and now I'm a millionaire.
I WANT TO PAY YOU TO BE MY WRITER!!! RT @TurkSayler would've been funnier if u said baseball
Michael Jordan is the Weird Al of basketball.
Flossing has become a regular part of my life. Please inform my 16 year old self who sang in a punk band.
Tonight’s new podcast StarTalk Live! Big Brains @ BAM Pt 2 also with @michaelianblack @TheScienceGuy and Paul Rudd:…
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
My Chet Huntley and David Brinkley Comic Con panel was sparsely attended. :(
Throwing things away feels better than sneezing three times in a row.
Has anything ever been more aptly named than the Mercury Mystique?
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Seems redundant to "cordially" invite. What would be an uncordiable invitation? "You can fucking come if you want, dick head."
My 11 yr. old is into vinyl records and vintage turntables. She. Is. Such. A. Poseur.
CNN Headline: "Massive dinosaur bone found" IN MY PANTS.
There's probably some dude who knew all the guys in Motley Crue before they got famous and still talks about it a lot.
Playing a lot less mini-golf as an adult than I would have thought as a kid.
I'm no hero. Just a #ChristianDadWhoVapes & refuses to let B'Iraq HUSSEIN Obama take a d*mp on the Constitution ,
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Wearing no socks today. People are noticing in a good way.
Planes going down like KK on Ray J.
Listen to "Topics." @mshowalter and I solved the Middle East problem months ago. Ep. 26.…
Thunder is a wonder; it tears the skies asunder. But lightning is frightening; I feel my asshole tightening.
When I say "Hey," and then somebody says, "Hay is for horses," a perfect response is, "Fuck you."
Fun to hear abt kids wanting capes after reading NAKED! How to make your own: @michaelianblack
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Today I plan on doing a good job. j/k