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My dog just told me she got a job at TV Guide. I'm happy that she's getting to live her dream but sad that she won't be around as much.
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There are many, many boring people out there. Try not to hang out with any of them.
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Yeah but is the concept of time even relevant anymore?
Yes, but can you WEAR the Apple Watch? Oh, you can? Alright, guess I'll take two.
I didn't ASK to be born. I ASKED for an iPhone 6!
The artist hard at work #modernmillenial @mosesstorm
Leave my monkey alone he didn't mean it
If I'm not being watched then why do the potatoes have eyes?
This Show is Your Show with Matt & Moses, Sept. 11th. It's your show!
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Is my shirt a statement, a question, or a way of life?… Another thing to listen to! Me on @CamelToad's new podcast talking about RUGRATS for an hour and a half
I did a live show where I talked about my worst celebrity encounters: listen to it here…
Whoa! There's another This Show Is Your Show coming up September 11th at 9pm? Unbelievable!
You put the bang bang into the room into my heart/you send my soul sky high when you show me what your momma gave
Bawitdaba da bang bang into the room a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Clap along if you feel like a bang bang into the room without a roof
1997. We were all so innocent then.
I sit upon a throne of Jerry Maguire VHS tapes
Nightmare in VHS. It's getting better all the time
Stuck in a memory hole
So excited to join the upcoming @jogia biopic. Can't believe I get to play the man himself. #honored
There should be an app that tells you who the most recently born baby in America is. Any baby. Every baby.
"This guy bothering you?" "No, he's my husband" "Well he's not giving you much space" "We're kissing" "Likely story" (Punches her husband)
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Whoa Ho-Oh is in the pilot of Pokemon.
Youth is wasted on the babies. Those people are dumb dumbs with attitude!
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It's like Stephen Hawking once said: "blondes and brunettes are like apples and oranges. Both delicious; but completely different flavours."
Max Landis helps recreate An American Werewolf in London’s transformation scene
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Throw back Thursday to me trying on a 3XL shirt and looking #stylish
I'll be right back with your salads
Blood is thicker than water but they dry at the same time
If I'm not a snail why am I so slimy? So spineless?
All the ladies that came out tonight did you come out for me? Are you down for a wild night with the boy who lives in your tv? And for the
Couch crashing it's that thing when you crash on a good friends couch. Or a strangers couch.
The small print says I love you, honey, sign the contract
There's so many eggs in this world/ then why did I get goose? My pants don't stand a chance without a belt they're just too loose. Pink hat?
Swing shake that thing in the pink pointless lasers dear Zachary the departed
White chucks sandy bulls Saigon mirror shades Acapulco shirt
Thai pepper illusionists steal tricks from each other
The marquis song of south twiggers holiday
Ready or not here I scum
Looking back through my iPhone notes from 2011. I will now post the best ones.