What have I learned since my divorce?
That the safest sex is not getting any at all.
Investigating the wire taps at Trump Tower, the Secret Service soon found a morse code message wanting help to 'get away from this maniac'.
If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 pizzas and you can't eat one.
I saw a sign that said "Grand Opening!" And assumed it was referring to your vagina.
I'm food horny!!!!
That counts right????
There is NO we in poutine!!!!
-whenever someone asks we to share
It's cool how everyone is applauding US Patriots, who're standing up for human rights,
And by next Sunday everybody will be booing the Pats
Trapezoid was invented to slow down Brodeur's stick skills. I say we introduce an Ovizoid to slow down @ovi8
Just lose it...
Who is going to pay for the wall?!?!
Me.. it's me isn't it?
Canucks star defenseman, Nikita Tryamkin, greeting a homeless man after the Washington Capitals game.
Dear Slim Pig,
I wrote you but you still ain't calling...
The top 1% of squirrels hold over 90% of the nut supply, that is a yuge number
Lightning is God taking screenshots for judgement day
LeBron went home..
Wade went home..
It's time for Bosh to finally come home
The Oscar Pistorius drinking game:
Everytime your girlfriend goes to the bathroom you take 4 shots
Can you imagine someone saying ISIS is justified to kill Americans because Americans kill each other?
Thats logic of Black on Black crime
When you grew up securing your bike and then you hit the lottery
Word of the Day:
Ferdinand Vagellan - when you exploring that pussy
When the Weasleys can't afford the Nombis 980
Disgusting! I was able to buy this military grade assault rifle in under 7 minutes
When you're dropping your new mixtape at 5
When Grandma wants the 72 virgins
When the toilet is brighter than your future
Roses are red
Tacos are enjoyable
Don't blame a Mexican
Because you're unemployable...
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country
If Clinton wins, I'm leaving the country
Not political, I just love traveling.
Sex so good, Jesus has to pull you out
Japan's first Virtual Reality Porn Festival cancelled because too many people came
When you wanna take one of those driving snaps but your gas tank on E & the Engine light on...
Whenever you feel unimportant, just remember you were the Time: Person of the Year, in 2006
When you need to buy 7 car batteries to power your new sex toy...
Jeb Bush: Please clap
When you wanna nut, but she needs 5 more minutes
🎵 He was a skater boi, o shit wuddup see you later boi �Jv
You start the year all fine
You're my little Valentine
I'm gonna march you down the aisle...
My love is the evening breeze touching your skin
The gentle sweet singing of leaves in the wind...
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back...
It's just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
'Cause that's my fun day
My I don't have to run day
It's just another manic Monday
♫ I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live... ♫
And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not
Don't wait for the perfect moment,
Just take the moment and make it perfect..
"Peace On Earth" was all it said
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around
You stopped and smiled at me
And asked if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms
And I didn't stand a chance
I did not join ISIS...
Try to be the rainbow in someone's cloud...
We don't fear death, we fear "fear" itself...
Life is a puzzle. Placing things where they don't belong will only end in failure...